The Depth Chart

2011 NFL Picks

2011-09-08T15:48:00.004-04:00

NFL Picks, 2011 Season

NFC East

1. Eagles

2. Cowboys

3. Giants

4. Redskins

NFC North

1. Packers

2. Lions

3. Bears

4. Vikings

NFC South

1. Saints

2. Falcons

3. Buccaneers

4. Panthers

NFC West

1. Rams

2. Cardinals

3. Seachickens

4. Niners

AFC East

1. Patriots

2. Jets

3. Bills

4. Dolphins

AFC North

1. Steelers

2. Ravens

3. Browns

4. Bengals

AFC South

1. Texans

2. Colts

3. Titans

4. Jaguars

AFC West

1. Chargers

2. Broncos

3. Chiefs

4. Raiders

MVP: Phillip Rivers

Most Passing Yards: Phillip Rivers

Most Rushing TDs: Adrian Peterson

Most Receiving TDs: Vincent Jackson

Most Sacks: Elvis Dumervil

AFC Wild Cards: Ravens, Jets

First Round Winners: Chargers, Jets

Divisional Round Winners: Patriots, Chargers

Conference Championship: Patriots

NFC Wild Cards: Cowboys, Falcons

First Round Winners: Falcons, Packers

Divisional Round Winners: Saints, Packers

Conference Championship: Saints

Super Bowl Champ: Saints

Super Bowl MVP: Drew Brees

1. Over/Under Games Played Albert Haynesworth, 7.5: Over

2. O/U Games Started by TJack, 9.5: Over

3. O/U Games Played by Peyton Manning, 11.5: Under

4. O/U Games Played by Michael Vick, 13.5: Under

5. O/U TDs by Chad Ochocinco, 6.5: Under

6. Better QB Rating, Bradford or Stafford (min 6 games - if qb plays less than six games, other guy gets it): Bradford

7. Worst Team (record, offensive stats if there's a tie) (aka, Winner of the "Suck for Luck" sweepstakes): Cincinnati Bengals

8. O/U Rookie QB's who Start a Game, 4.5: Over

9. Highest Scoring Team: Atlanta

10. More Rushing Yards, Chris Johnson or Adrian Peterson: Chris Johnson

2011-09-08T14:52:00.003-04:00

NFC East

1. Eagles
2. Cowboys
3. Giants
4. Racist Logos

NFC North

1. Packers
2. Lions
3. Bears
4. Vikings

NFC South

1. Falcons
2. Saints
3. Bucs
4. Panthers

NFC West

1.Cardinals
2. Rams
3. Seagulls
4.49ers

AFC East

1. Pats
2. Jets
3. Bills
4. Dolphins

AFC North

1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Browns
4. Bengals

AFC South

1. Texans
2. Colts
3. Titans
4. Jags

AFC West

1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Raiders
4. Broncos

MVP: Aaron Rodgers
Most Passing Yards: Philip Rivers
Most Rushing TD: Arian Foster
Most Receiving TDs: Roddy White
Most Sacks: DeMarcus Ware

AFC Wild Cards: Jets Colts
First Round Winners: Chargers Texans
Second Round Winners: Chargers Steelers
AFC Champs: Chargers

NFC Wild Card: Cowboys Saints
NFC First Round Winners: Falcons Saints
NFC Second Round Winners: Packers Eagles
NFC Champ: Packers

Super Bowl Champ: Packers
Super Bowl MVP: Ryan Grant

1. Over Under Games Played Albert Haynesworth 7.5: over
2. O/U Games Started by Tavaris Jackson 9.5: under
3. O/U Games Played by Peyton Manning 11.5: over
4. O/U Games Played by Michael Vick 13.5: over
5. O/U Touchdowns by Ochocinco 6.5: over
6. Better QB Rating, Bradford or Stafford (min 6 games - if qb plays less than six games, other guy gets it): Stafford
7. Worst Team (record, offensive stats if there's a tie) (aka, Winner of the "Suck for Luck" sweepstakes): 49ers
8. O/U Rookie QB's who Start a Game, 4.5: Over
9. Highest Scoring Team: Patriots
10. More Rushing Yards, Chris Johnson or Adrian Peterson: Peterson

I Know This Game

2011-04-04T15:45:00.003-04:00

My picks? You say you want my picks? Listen, we'll get to my picks... you see, sonny, I know this game. I know the number of granules of sand in the infield. EVERY infield. I know the density of every blade of grass in every outfield in this country - that's right, this country. I don't accept that baseball plays north of the border - yes, i count the stats and records of the game up there, but i'm not going to clutter this gem of a brain with details about that wonky retractable roof monstrosity up there in Toe Rahn Toe...

But what I know that you don't, kid, besides all my picks this season, is the secret history of the game. Let me give you an example - you know how all these games get played at night these days, right? That wasn't always the case. Oh you know that? You know that, do ya? Look at you, tellin the old man what he knows and doesn't know.

Well ok, so you know they used to play only during the day. Well did you ever hear the story about Ed Coleman? Wasn't a great player by any means, but has some solid years for the Atheletics (and i still call them that... what's this "A's" business... they're the Atheletics, gawddammit!) in the early 30's. But then 1935 hits, and night games start, this guys career drops off almost immediately. What's that about, I ask you?

See, the problem with Coleman was that he was a werewolf. That's right, a werewolf. Couldn't keep his shit together in night games, always thought the full moon would come out... Day games, he could keep it together just fine - he'd play his game, get to the hotel, lock himself in his room with a bottle of booze and soothe his inner demons... but the night games meant he had to play under moonlight... wouldn't ya know it, within a year, he'd skeedaddled his way out of the league...

Bullshit? Bullshit, you claim? Oh, how would you know, little man, with your internets and your pda's and all that nonsense... always believe what you read, eh?

Just get to the picks??? That's all i'm good for... i get it. Here they are... now beat it and let me get back to my game on the radio...

My Picks

American League

East:

1. Boston

2. New York

3. Tampa

4. Toronto

5. Baltimore

Central:

1. Chicago

2. Minnesota

3. Detroit

4. Kansas City

5. Cleveland

West:

1. Texas

2. Oakland

3. Seattle

4. Los Angeles

AL Wild Card: Yankees

National League

East:

1. Phillies

2. Braves

3. Florida

4. Washington

5. New York

Central:

1. Cincinnati

2. Milwaukee

3. St. Louis

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West:

1. San Francisco

2. Colorado

3. Los Angeles

4. San Diego

5. Arizona

NL Wild Card: Braves

First round playoff winners:

AL: Boston, Texas

NL: Atlanta, Philadelphia

AL Champs: Boston

NL Champs: Philadelphia

World Series Champs: Philadelphia

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez, Bos

NL MVP: Jay Bruce, Cin

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

NL Cy Young: Cliff Lee

HR Leader:

AL: Miguel Cabrera

NL: Jay Bruce

AVG Leader:

AL: Ichiro Suzuki

NL: Albert Pujols

ERA Leader:

AL: Felix Hernandez

NL: Roy Halladay

K's Leader:

AL: Jon Lester

NL: Tim Lincecum

Questions:

1. More Wins: Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee? Cliff Lee

2. Who leads the league in OPS+? Adrian Gonzalez

3. Which league has a greater percentage of teams with winning records, American or National? National

4. Over/Under on number of different Yankees who start a game this season at 7.5? Over

5. Worst Stafff ERA in the Major Leagues? Cleveland

6. When will Jeter get 3,000? June 18

7. Over/Under on Ichiro's XBH at 37.5? Over

8. How many starts by Erik Bedard? 20

9. More Runs by Pedroia or Cano? Pedroia

10. Better Stats, Lincecum or Felix (W, K, ERA, WHIP, SO, CG, HR allowed)? Felix

The Bet - Baseball Edition

2011-04-04T15:43:00.001-04:00

Just as a refresher, I'd like to reiterate the rules from last year:

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

Old Time Baseball

2011-03-31T15:21:00.017-04:00

It ain't something I like to talk about. No sir. Best to let the past be. You go a dragging it up and you like to bring back trouble. Better to let things die.

But I can see you ain't about to let it alone. Youth is like that; can't sit still, can't leave well enough alone. Want to know the truth do you, no matter what the stakes. Fine. But once I pass the knowledge along to you it's your burden.

Back in nineteen and twenty five I was doing a bit of work for the government. I'd fought in the first great war, and on account of my Mother being from Munich, did a little cross trench spying for our boys. Good teacher my Ma. Had me the accent down and everything.

When I got back state side, the federal boys kept in touch. Nothing too official mind you. Just a job here or there. Never much information. Never enough to put together what was going on. But you could guess. Yes sir, you could.

But back in twenty five the federal boys sent a telegram telling me to go on up to New York City. Had me a room booked at the Algonquin hotel. Once I got in I was to get a table at the bar and wait for my orders.

Now The Algonquin was the place to be back then. Any number of famous people in and out of there. So I gets in to the hotel and gets my table at the bar and start knocking down Sazeracs.

Pretty soon this young fella in a nice suit sits down beside me. Had fed written all over him. Name of Jost. Says I had a mark coming by the hotel bar soon. Says I was to find a way to belly up next to him. Gave me a pouch of powder to slip into his drink.

Then he warned me. Don't back out just cause you may recognize this fella. He's a famous ball player he says. Seems the Government had an interest in Baseball. Saw it as a symbol. This ball player I was to meet came off the wrong way, and some people wanted to teach him a lesson. Get him out the picture for a spell. Also they figured he was half black.

And can you guess who that ball player turned out to be? It was Babe Ruth. He was easy to get close to; seemed like he was booked entertainment and not a customer the way he was talking people up.

I hated to slip him the powder that gave him that famous stomach ache that made him miss half the season. But that was my job back then. I went right out after and bet a whole bunch of money against the Yankees winning anything that year and sure enough they didn't even finish .500. Won a truck load of money. Ain't never looked back neither. That's how I'm still picking them today. Winners too boy, you bet.

AL East

1. Yankees

2. Red Sux

3. Blue Jays

4. Orioles

5. Rays

AL Central

1. White sox

2. Twins

3. Tigers

4. Royals

5. Racist Logos

AL West

1. Rangers

2 Angels

3. A's

4. Swabbies

NL East

1. Phillies

2. Braves

3. Marlins

4. Mets

5. Nationals

NL Central

1. Reds

2. Brewers

3. Cardinals

4. Cubs

5. Pirates

6. Astros

NL West

1. Giants

2. Dodgers

3. Rockies

4. Diamondbacks

AL Wild Card: Red Sux

NL Wild Card: Braves

Alcs winner: Yankees over Rangers

Nlcs winner: Reds over Phillies

WS Winner: Yankees over Reds

WS MVP: CC Sabathia

AL MVP Mark Texiera

NL MVP Puljos

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay

AL ROY: Jeremy Hellickson

NL ROY: Freddie Freeman

NL Avg: Hanley Ramirez

AL Avg: Miguel Cabrera

NL HR: Prince Fielder

AL HR: Mark Texiera

NL ERA: Roy Halladay

AL ERA: Felix Hernandez

NL K: Roy Halladay

AL K: Justin Verlander

1. When will Jeter reach 3000 hits? July 2nd

2. Over under on Ichiro's extra base hits- 37.5? Under

3. Better stats Lincecum or Felix- W, K, ERA, WHIP, SO, CG, HR allowed? Felix

4. Games started by E. Bedard? 14

5. More runs scored Pedroia or Cano? Pedroia

6. More Wins: Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee? Halladay

7. Who leads the league in OPS+? Pujlos

8. Which league has a greater percentage of teams with winning records, American or

National? American

9. Over/Under on number of different Yankees who start a game this season at 7.5? Over

10. Worst Stafff ERA in the Major Leagues? Houston

Pad and Paper

2010-09-08T23:29:00.004-04:00

I knew they were coming for me. I could hear the shrill growling off in the distance, the moaning and shifting of legs. They were so fast - who knew they could be so fast? We all thought the undead walked with the slow, groaning pace of the old Romero movies. Boy were we wrong. Those fuckers can cruise.

I slinked along the shadows, the only light from the fires burning in the distance and an obscenely full moon. That moon would be my savior and my downfall, I was sure. Yes, I could see the bastards, but they could see me too. Their vacant, yellowing eyes bulge and glinted red when they caught sight of me. At that point, it was kill or be killed, and pacifist as I once was, I ain't too bad a shot.

As I rounded the corner of the decaying brownstone block, I saw them. There was a feeding frenzy off in the distance, and the bastards seemed to be coming from miles around to join in the mayhem. I took the opportunity to swing up on the fire escape, one of few that I had seen that seemed sturdy and still attached to the building. Always go for higher ground, pappy always told me.

A blessedly cool breeze met me at the top of the 4 story building, carrying with it embers of the burning city, but also a refreshing spirit. Maybe I could make it after all. God knows how, but maybe... It was then that, at the far end of the building, I spied him. A tall, ragged figure hunched over a pen and paper. I didn't know any of those remained in this hell hole, but like everything else, if you lucked into it, you could find stashes of just about everything. Canned food, porn, baby dolls, magazines, you name it.

He scribbled with such intensity, such fury. What could he be writing? Had he learned a way to defeat the undead hordes? I rushed over to him, sawed-off cocked and ready. As I neared, he finished scrawling, pausing to re-read the tome. At that point, he must have heard my weak footsteps, as his head perked up. Then it cocked at the most unnatural angle to look straight through me.

Those eyes. Those yellowing eyes, tinged with red. He was one of them! It took no time at all for me to do what was needed. Fucker had to die, and die he did. As he staggered backwards and fell from the precipice, I crouched and snuck over to the pad to see what secrets he had to share. Ugh, figures... the non-sensical scribblings of a zombified madman.... I kept down and sought cover.

NFC

East

1. Cowboys

2. Giants

3. Eagles

4. Redskins

South

1. Saints

2. Falcons

3. Bucs

4. Panthers

North

1. Packers

2. Vikings

3. Lions

4. Bears

West

1. 49ers

2. Seahawks

3. Cardinals

4. Rams

AFC

East

1. Patriots

2. Jets

3. Dolphins

4. Bills

South

1. Colts

2. Texans

3. Titans

4. Jaguars

North

1. Ravens

2. Bengals

3. Steelers

4. Browns

West

1. Chargers

2. Broncos

3. Chiefs

4. Raiders

NFC Wildcards: Giants, Falcons

AFC Wildcards: Bengals, Texans

NFC First Round Winners: 49ers, Cowboys

AFC First Round Winners: Texans, Patriots

NFC Divisional Winners: Cowboys, Packers

AFC Divisional Winners: Colts, Ravens

NFC Champion: Packers

AFC Champion: Ravens

Super Bowl Champion: Packers

Super Bowl MVP: Aaron Rodgers

MVP: Aaron Rodgers, GB

Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees, NO

Defensive Player of the Year: Patrick Willis, SF

Questions:

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20 - Over

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten) - Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7 - Over

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? - TO

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4 = Over

6. Best Record in the NFL: Saints
7. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
8. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
9. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
10. Sack Leader in NFL: Mario Williams

2010-09-08T19:55:00.003-04:00

The moments of forgetfulness are what matter. Release of the mind allows me to survive in the present. Instinct forms the man into the beast within. Just like them.

But I can't forget. Not for long. It chases me, the past. Taunts me with its mundane complexities, and comfortable simplicities. My boring bloodless life before the Moon turned red, and the Sun shone black.

I hunt people now, just like the dead. They hunt for food. I hunt for hope. I'd found one months ago. Obviously a bear of a man once, he'd shrunken and bent to the bitter realities of a world cursed. He was anxious to leave. Like most people after the fall, he felt there was safety in hermitage: stay low, stay quiet, stay hidden. Any group draws attention, and the only ones paying were the hoards.

We talked around a fire that night; a dangerous thing. His spirit had grown so dark as to be a shadow. In an effort to help, I broke my rule against memory. We talked about football. That silly pointless game that left the players broken, and the fans broke. We both had loved it once.

He surprised me with a sudden brightening. An offer of a wager. The prize a bottle of fine whiskey. It was a silly thing, a pointless thing. I couldn't say yes fast enough.

The horrors came before dawn, and we were scattered. I ran over a mile before looking back. The creatures are fast, but clumsy over rough, uneven terrain. Once out of sight they stop chasing. The prey forgotten. The dead have no memory.

But mine was back. I'd scratched my answers to the wager in ash with a smoldering twig onto the pages of a battered hymnal. I'll find him I told myself. And I'll win that bottle of whiskey. And I'll drink this whole damned world away.

Fin.

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Racist Logos
4. Eagles

NFC West,
1. 49ers
2. Cardinals
3. Seagulls
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Raiders
3. Chiefs
4. Broncos

AFC North
1. Ravens
2. Steelers
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Texans
3. Titans
4. Jags

MVP: Drew Brees
Offensive Player of the Year: Chris Johnson
Defensive player of the Year: Demarcus Ware
AFC Wildcards: Steelers, Jets
NFC Wildcards: Giants, Vikings
AFC First Round Winners: Ravens, Patriots
AFC Second Round Winners: Ravens, Colts
AFC Champ: Ravens
NFC First Round Winners: Giants, Cowboys
NFC Second Round Winners: Packers, Cowboys
NFC Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl MVP: Tony Romo

1. Best Record in the NFL: Colts
2. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
3. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
4. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
5. Sack Leader in NFL: DeMarcus Ware

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20: Under

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten): Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7: Under

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? Ochocinco

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4: Under

2010-04-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

I used to love hacking. Cracking codes, inserting worms and basically fucking with the system was what I lived for. Now its a job. But as jobs go it's better than most. Hacking got me off the family ranch and its stench of cow shit and into New York where everybody's full of bull shit. I'll take that trade every time.

Take this whack-job who hires me last week. Wanted me to setup a remote video/audio receiver with speak/mic capability. No problem. Than he says he wants it the size of a skin cell. Sure I says. I'll get it to you in a hundred years. He mumbles something about more like 65. Anyway I let him know what I Could Do, which was pretty badass.

Turns out this weirdo's a big time gambler. Places these bets on baseball of all things. Regular Pete Rose this guy. I told him UFC 's what's up these days. He says only until 2015 and it's revealed that 80% of the fighters are gay. When I asked how he'd know something like that, he feeds me the biggest load of shit since the farm. From the future he says. Riggghhtt.

Seems Future-Boy got some blood feud with a backwoods Pacific Northwestern clan called Jasters or Toasters or something. Figures he could fool one of them into believing a light bulb was the voice of God, or the Devil, or Jimmy the fucking Greek. Cute idea. Ask me it'll never work unless this guys a total 'tard. But hey his money's green and it must be growing off trees for as much as he's willing to lay down to get it done.

The job goes like as smooth as Kevin Durant. In and out in less than 30 minutes. An hour later I'm at the nut-job's Tribeca loft. An hour after that we're smoking cigars while he's speaking into a mic and low and behold that dimwit in the Slope thinks it's some miraculous space voice. Gotta give it to this nut-job, he's a real con who knew his mark.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:
East:

Yankees

Rays

Orioles

Blue Jays

Central:

Twins

White Sox
Tigers

Indians

Royals

West:

Angels

Mariners

Rangers

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

East:

Phillies

Braves

Mets

Marlins

Nationals

Central:

Cardinals

Brewers

Cubs

Reds

Astros

Pirates

West:

Dodgers

Rockies

Giants

Diamondbacks

Padres

NL WC: Braves

AL WC: Sux

AL: Yanks over Angels, Sux over Twins

NL: Phillies over Dodgers, Cardinals over Braves

AL:Yanks over Sux
NL:Cardinals over Phillies

Cardinals over Yanks

Batting Champ:

AL- Ichiro

NL- Albert Puljos

Home Run Champ:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Prince Fielder

ERA Champ:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

Strikeout Champ:

AL- Zack Greinke

NL- Tim Lincecum

MVP:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Chase Utley

Cy Young:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

More K's Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay: Halladay

More Games Started Rich Harden or Ben Sheets: Rich Harden

When does the Stephen the Anchor Strasburg get his first start: May 22nd

How many fewer runs do the Sux allow: 16

Worst Team in MLB: San Diego Padres

O/U AL Home Run Leader 42.5- Over

O/U AL Pitching Wins Leader 20.5- Under

O/U Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played 236.5- Under

Higher AVG. Cano or Pedroia-Cano

O/U Mariners HR Leader 27.5- Over

2010 MLB Wager Rules

2010-04-02T15:50:00.004-04:00

As an annual reminder, here are this year's rules, with the new categories added at the end.

One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

In Search of the Fourth

2010-04-02T15:30:00.005-04:00

Beneath my apartment, in the treacly dark depths, across the cobweb abyss, lies a pulsating blue orb. Its' low-level hum can hypnotize - you can be drawn into the blue fog and emerge in dimensions unknown. The properties of this orb are myriad and largely benevolent - keeps away insects and vermin, encourages deep and sound sleep, provides protection from all muggers and parasitic viral infection. But perhaps most important of them all, the pulsating blue orb provides counsel, support and protection from futuristic, booze-slinging-and-swilling Yankee prognosticators.

While the orb is not perfect, it's successes have been well documented. Repeated Cowboy and Yankee trouncings were only made possible by the disrupting forces which emanate from its electic core. It's cold fusion based energy propel all who supplicate themselves into stratospheric heights, particularly in the confusingly narrow confines of sports predictions.

Now I was reluctant to turn over authority to this orb of obscure origins, this ball of befuddlement, this sphere of sports picks, this globe of guesses, this pellet of prediction. But as they say in the good book, results are results.

...

hmmhmhmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmhmhnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmm

(That was the blue ball. He just recited an entire novel's worth of information. If your inferior mind can hack it, i suggest you try to unpack it and see what's there. Your mind will be blown)

And so, with no further adieu, and to get to the end so I can return the glowing orb to its treacly dark, I give you Zaaq's Baseball picks.

American League

East

1. New York

2. Boston

3. Tampa

4. Baltimore

5. Toronto

Central

1. Minnesota

2. Chicago

3. Detroit

4. Cleveland

5. Kansas City

West

1. Seattle

2. Texas

3. Los Angeles

4. Oakland

Wildcard: Boston

MVP: Alex Rodriguez

Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

HR Leader: Miguel Cabrera

Average Leader: Joe Mauer

ERA Leader: Felix Hernandez

Strikeouts Leader: C.C. Sabathia

National League

East

1. Atlanta

2. Philadelphia

3. Florida

4. New York

5. Washington

Central

1. St. Louis

2. Cincinnati

3. Milwaukee

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West

1. Colorado

2. San Francisco

3. Arizona

4. Los Angeles

5. San Diego

Wildcard: Philadelphia

MVP: Chase Utley
Cy Young: Roy Halladay
HR Leader: Prince Fielder
Average Leader: Pablo Sandoval
ERA Leader: Roy Halladay
Strikeouts Leader: Tim Lincecum

Divisional Playoffs and Winners
New York v Seattle, NY wins
Boston v Minnesota, Minnesota wins

Philadelphia v St. Louis, Philadelphia wins
Atlanta v Colorado, Atlanta
wins

AL Champion - Minnesota
NL Champion - Atlanta

World Series - Minnesota

Questions For This Year
1. More K's, Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay? Halladay
2. More Games Started, Ben Sheets or Rich Harden? Sheets
3. What day does Steven Strasburg get his first start? May 23
4. How many fewer runs do the Red Sox allow? 18
5. Worst team in the Majors? Houston Astros
6. Over/Under AL HR Leader, 42.5? Over
7. Over/Under AL Pitching Wins Leader? Under
8. Over/Under Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played, 236.5? Over
9. Higher Batting Average, Robinson Cano or Dustin Pedroia? Robinson Cano
10. Over/Under Mariners HR Leader, 27.5? Unnnnnnnnder (they'll be lucky to get someone with 22)

Cronk-Rosaly Wedding

2009-09-09T18:59:00.000-04:00

Here's my semi-drunken pics - well, some of them are sober...

2009 Football Picks (finally...)

2009-09-08T11:22:00.006-04:00

So Bad Sunglasses has been pestering me (with good reason) to get my picks up earlier than him for once. I mean, this criticism is well founded, for sure. He's always the first to post, that can be stipulated. However, I am always the one to win. This means that he must believe my strategy is to see what he picks and then go a fair distance away from such picks.

I can assure you, dear reader (as there is surely only one), that this is not the case. And to prove it, I shall seek to repeat my 2008 Football performance with the following picks:

Zaaq's Picks

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Bengals
3. Ravens
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Texans
2. Colts
3. Titans
4. Jaguars

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

NFC East
1. Giants
2. Cowboys
3. Eagles
4. Redskins

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

NFC West
1. Seahawks
2. Cardinals
3. Niners
4. Rams

AFC Wild Card Teams: Jets, Colts
NFC Wild Card Teams: Cowboys, Falcons

Winners of AFC Wild Card Round: Patriots, Colts
Winners of NFC Wild Card Round: Cowboys, Seahawks

Winners of AFC Division Round: Steelers, Patriots
Winners of NFC Division Round: Giants, Saints

Winners of Conference Championship Games: Giants, Patriots

Winner of Super Bowl: Patriots

MVP: Tom Brady
Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees
Defensive Player of the Year: Mario Williams
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry

Also, here is a reiteration of the ground rules (patterned on the 2009 Baseball modifications):

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the AFC and NFC, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the Super Bowl champs. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's offensive and defensive players of the year, as well as offensive rookies of the year for offense and defense and the comeback player of the year.

The point structure:
One point for each correct slot picked - 32 total possible points
2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 8 points
5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 40 total points
2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 8 total points
4 points for picking the correct winners of the wild card playoff round - 16 possible points
4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
8 points for picking the correct league champion - 16 possible points
10 points for picking the Super Bowl winner - 10 possible points
1 point each for Offensive Player of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Offensive Rookie of the Year, Defensive Rookie of the Year, and MVP - 5 possible points
Perfect season = 151 points

2009-08-25T13:43:00.005-04:00

The shame. The horror. Losing to a barbarian from the unsettled Northeast, and I a proud son of the original thirteen; a citizen of import, of stature.

No more. It can not stand! here it ends and ends well for all citizens of the civilized east as they glory at the cast down husk of the land's-end upstart.

Redemption! I will taste your waters when I drink his blood. Victory! I will plant your flag of true men of the thirteen deep in his chest. Conquest! I will pick the 2009 NFL season to perfection turning all barbarous barristers brains jellied with envy.

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Eagles
4. Racist Logos

NFC West,
1. Seagulls
2. Cardinals
3. 49ers
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Vikings
2.Bears
3. Packers
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Falcons
2. Saints
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Dolphins
3. Bills
4. Jets

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Titans
3. Texans
4. Jags

MVP: Phillip Rivers
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive player of the Year: Ed Reed
Offens ive Rookie of the Year: Knowshon Moreno
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Tyson Jackson

AFC Wildcards: Ravens Titans
NFC Wildcards: Giants Bears

AFC First Round Winners: Colts Steelers
AFC Second Round Winners: Chargers Colts
AFC Champ: Chargers

NFC First Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Second Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Champ: Giants

Super Bowl Champ: Chargers
Super Bowl MVP: Phillip Rivers

25 Dubious DVD Double Features

2009-05-01T18:37:00.039-04:00

Thought I'd take a break from ranting about the sports world, as the Yankees are currently driving me batshit. Instead I've cooked up something a little different. A cockamamie list that will deprive you of precious moments you'll never get back.

When I used to go to my video store here in Brooklyn, which could pass for The Weather Underground's east coast head quarters, I always ended pairing up my movies. You know two horror flicks, or maybe a couple of foreign pictures.

But I noticed that since I switched to Netflix (with my two films at a time plan), my pairings have gotten more specific. Instead of just two comedies say, I'll send off for two 1990s adolescent sex romps, or two social satires about joining the military.

So in an effort to infect others with my own cinefile swine flu, I've pieced together some films that I think go together like Meth and trailer parks. Here's hoping it curdles the desire in your brain to ever watch a movie by itself again.

The Documentary Style, French War Crimes Double Feature:

The Battle of Algiers and The Sorrow and the Pity

Really they shouldn't be scolding anybody. Have your Prozac on hand for afterwards.

The Claustrophobic Horror of The Icy Poles Double Feature:

The Thing and The Last Winter

One deals with murderous extra-terrestrials in Antarctica and the other with murderous inner-terrestrials in the Arctic. Where you gonna run when it's fifty below outside?

The White Hat, Black Hat Western Double Feature:

Shane and Once Upon a Time in the West

Marx and Lenin would love these movies. The evil land grabber and his cronies against the reformed gunslinger protecting the homesteaders. Americans just dig on the violence.

The Sadistic Apathy of American Youth Double Feature:

River's Edge and Kids

Say your bud strangles his girlfriend, or has AIDS and is raping chicks at your party. What do you do? Keep getting high.

The I Hate You, I Love You Romantic Comedy, Road Movie Double Feature:

It Happened One Night and Romancing the Stone

Two opposites argue their way across country and eventually into each others arms. Kinda like your Parents on vacation, without the each others arms bit.

The What Am I Complaining About, Triumph Over Deformity Double Feature

The Elephant Man and Mask

Reminds you what a shallow, whiny, jerk you are. In a good way.

The Dear God, Please Have An Abortion Next Time Double Feature

It's Alive and Eraserhead

No really. No more babies for you. Ever.

The Don't Orphans Have It Bad Enough Already Double Feature

The Devil's Backbone and The Orphanage

Dickens meets Polanski and the poor wee ones get the shaft.

The That Bitch Is Bad News Double Feature

Double Indemnity and Body Heat

Yeah I know she's smoking. But dude, it's just not worth it. OK maybe a little bit.

The That Bitch is Crazy Double Feature

Fatal Attraction and Single White Female

You know a movie works when the title is commonly used as an adverb and an adjective. As in " Watch out Bro, that bitch will go Fatal Attraction on your ass", or "That bitch is so Single White Female".

The Old-Timer's Got One Last Journey In Them, Road Movie Double Feature

The Trip To Bountiful and The Straight Story

It's a little messed up that we're surprised when really old people express free will. Tellingly, neither story takes place in Florida.

The Scream At The Screen "Idiot! Don't Do It!", Modern Noir Double Feature

Blood Simple and Red Rock West

Rednecks are so dumb. So homicidally dumb.

The I Think I'll Drink Myself To Death This Weekend Double Feature

The Lost Weekend and Leaving Las Vegas

At least one of them gets it right.

The Washed-Up Country Singer Tries For A Comeback Double Feature

Tender Mercies, and Honkytonk Man

Released at about the same time, Duvall's picture took a lot of steam out of Eastwood's, but they're pretty much equal flicks.

The Emotionally Manipulative Boxing Tear-Jerker Double Feature

The Champ and Million Dollar Baby

Why should someone, who's only trying to beat people unconscious for money, have to end so tragically? Just so unfair.

The Individual Location As American Zeitgeist, Ensemble Piece Double Feature

Nashville and Magnolia

A decade conveniently reduced for you consumption. Like a generational all day sucker.

The I'm So Fucking Confused Double Feature

Jacob's Ladder and The Machinist

So what just happened? That was a flashback? I thought it was a dream sequence. Wait. Rewind it, rewind it.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold And The Accidental Pimp, Farce Double Feature

Night Shift and Doctor Detroit

There were actually a lot of these in the early eighties; back in the land before AIDS.

The Beware Eastern European Women At All Costs, Horror Movie Double Feature

Cat People and Hostel

No, go ahead. Don't take my word for it. But don't blame me when she turns into a panther and sells your ass to a torturers club.

The English Are Depraved Murderous Cretins Double Feature

Straw Dogs and A Clockwork Orange

Both films were banned in Britain, so you know they've got to be good.

The American Junkie Double Feature

Drugstore Cowboy and The Panic In Needle Park

No glorification here. Probably Matt Dillion's best movie, and the movie that got Pacino his role in the Godfather.

The Subversively Hilarious Gore Fest Double Feature

Evil Dead II and Dead Alive

Chainsaws and lawnmowers finally used as God intended. And by God, I mean Cthulhu the devourer of souls.

The Last Day Of High School, Coming Of Age, Period Piece Double Feature

American Graffiti and Dazed and Confused

One was made in the seventies about the fifties and the other in the nineties about the seventies. So we should expect another of this same type of film in about five years or so.

The Let's Hope The Current Recession Doesn't Get This Bad, Great Depression Double Feature

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? and Ironweed

So which is more depressingly desperate: dancing yourself to death or drinking yourself to death? You just might get to choose!

And Finally...

The Film Set in Kenya All About The Romantic Troubles Of A Rich White Woman, Double Feature

Out Of Africa and I Dreamed Of Africa

OK people, you really shouldn't watch these last two horrible, horrible movies; unless it's for their sheer jaw dropping obliviousness to their own galaxy sized douche-baggery. Then it's OK.

Lucky Number Three

2009-03-31T11:13:00.009-04:00

So it was the weirdest thing... It was the third day of March, and I was halfway through a six-pack of my Ommegang Three Philosophers. I had just returned home via the 3 train from my job at the rope factory, and was well into the George Clooney - Mark Wahlberg - Spike Jonze classic "Three Kings" when I heard the distinct clanging of a cowbell from my backyard.

I sprung to attention and lept to the backyard, only to hear three more clangings of the cowbell, and a strange, hobbit/witch hybrid creature appear in a puff of smoke.

In a gravelly, creaky and downright unsettling tone, this peculiar creature croaked, "You have 3's in your future. It has happened twice before, and your opportunity for the thrice shall appear within the fortnight..." I was about to quibble with this woman/hobbit abomination, but before I could get a word out, another three clangs on the cowbell and a puff of smoke. She was gone.

In her stead, a crow. Three caws and he too was gone.

I chalked this up to having had 3 large, heavily alcohol laden beers, but even under my most blotto conditions, never had I hallucinated crows and hobbit witches...

I spent the next several days at the ready, searching for any possible meanings for "the thrice" and coming up blank time after time. Soon thereafter, though, on the creepiest Friday the 13th I was ever to know, a flash of light blinded me as I walked the lonely streets of Brooklyn.

Across the street, in the distance, I noticed a bewildered man in strange dress. The strange was not the source of my interest, for in his hand, the man clutched a large starfish. All my life, for no apparent reason, I have harbored unnatural aversions to the most peculiar of sea-faring creatures, but have felt strangely compelled to them.

Drawn as though possessed by magnetism, I approached the frightened and bewildered man... I know that man... that is a Coxian visage if ever I saw him... He held in his other hand... THE WAGER!!!!

It was then that I knew my quest - I must summon forth from the depths of my being my list. My wager. That was the thrice. I had mustered the forethought and prognosticatory ability to master the Cox before, and as the hobbit-witch lady predicted, my chance for a third time now presented itself.

"Behold, Future Man! Your challenge is accepted. I shall prove to the Cox line, once and for all, the Jostian superiority over all things prognosticating. Shake in your futuristic boots, bionic boy!"

The Predictions

AL East:
1. Boston
2. New York
3. Tampa
4. Toronto
5. Baltimore

AL Central:
1. Cleveland
2. Minnesota
3. Detroit
4. Kansas City
5. Chicago

AL West:
1. Los Angeles
2. Oakland
3. Seattle
4. Texas

NL East:
1. New York
2. Philadelphia
3. Florida
4. Atlanta
5. Washington

NL Central:
1. Chicago
2. Milwaukee
3. Cincinnati
4. St. Louis
5. Houston
6. Pittsburgh

NL West:
1. Los Angeles
2. San Francisco
3. Arizona
4. Colorado
5. Padres

Wild Card Teams:
AL: New York
NL: Milwaukee

Division Playoffs:
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels
Cubs over Dodgers
Mets over Brewers

AL Champions: Red Sox
NL Champions: Mets
World Series: Red Sox in 6

Batting Champ:
AL: Ichiro
NL: Chipper Jones

Home Run Champ:
AL: Mark Teixeira
NL: Ryan Howard

ERA Champ:
AL: Roy Halladay
NL: Johan Santana

Strikeout Champ:
AL: Tim Lincecum
NL: C.C. Sabathia

MVP:
AL: Grady Sizemore
NL: David Wright

Cy Young:
AL: C.C. Sabathia
NL: Johan Santana

Contest Rules

2009-03-13T18:17:00.002-04:00

In order to reduce to writing the new, improved rules of the challenge before us, they are as follows:

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points

Perfect season = 126 points

The Wager II - 2009 MLB Predictions

2009-03-12T02:07:00.014-04:00

I work in a world you can't see. A world of nanotechnology surveillance. Robots, as small as skin cells and as numerous as gnats, fly around and feed visuals back to my head-set. I can direct each individual bot. In times of urgency, I can unleash an J.W.B. ( assassin bot) the size of a bumble bee to deliver a fatal dose of Ricin. It's not the most efficient poison, but we can always blame it on the Russians.

The off-hours were the best and I looked forward to them. Despair reached new heights on the street. Every seedy hell-hole was full of first-timers.

I had a place: below the grid and hidden astride the tight winding side-streets of Downtown. I liked it because it lacked identity. Never the same people. Never the same Gangs.

Slipping in the bar, I immediately spied my corner seat open. It had a view of the front door, a back to the wall, and a clear path to the kitchen and the rear exit. I was always a man who needed options.

Ordering a double Pappy Van Winkle and a tall-boy Chimay, I scanned the place. It was something I picked up after they shipped me overseas. When you do what I do for a living, you're always behind enemy lines. And when you're behind the lines, there's always a sniper.

The place looked clean. I knew all the employees. There were a group of kids wasting credits reenacting the Altamont concert on the Virtual Replicator towards the back. They were no worry. The Display Wall had the game on.

The New York Yankees versus the Oklahoma City Mariners. Great match-up. My family had made their fortune betting Baseball games against an obscure family of rope-binders from Seattle. Strangely the family of Jost was always willing to bet obscene amounts of money against their rope-binding business ( the entire Pacific Northwest live in Tree-Huts ). After an initial feint of betting weakness; we drew the truffle to our ravenous pig-snout. Baseball was in my blood, and in my credit card.

I was on my second Van Winkle, and the game was about to start, when a large man dressed in the dense wool and hemp of a Puget Sound sailor bellied up to the bar beside me. There were bits of sardines in his beard.

" Be you buying me a drink," he said. " A Laphroaig will do."

I have a full defense skin job. They sent millions of bots into my epidermis. A mother-fucker touches me and he's Tased. I get a nice tingling sensation. So I wasn't worried about the man.

The bartender brought the scotch. "Drink up", I said, and got up to leave.

"Now don't be hasty, my name's Jost". He stopped me dead in my tracks. "I've come a long way to bring you this". He had a Giant Starfish.

"What do you want"? I cloistered back beside him ready to pounce if his salty villainy would surface. "The bet has been made this year. I could kill you for trespassing on The Wager."

"But being I wasn't from this year?" He took his scotch and downed it like vodka. "Then what might you say? Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather sent me here with this beast. It has the ability to send one through time...if you feed it only turnips. Don't ask, your ancestors were fucked".

I ordered another round and the disheveled Mariner rapped on.

"Back in the year of 2009 your besotted ancestors forgot to include their baseball predictions in their letter to me family. By accident they had instead inserted detailed instructions for bizarre vegetable sex rituals. Grim stuff it be. And me thinks on purpose it might be."

At this point I fingered the bot injector in my pocket. I could inject this madman with a bot the size of a flea and once in contact with heat it would expand to the size of a grapefruit rupturing any vital arteries or organs around it. But there was a ring of truth to his backward speech. And I also had a turnip in my pocket.

"Me and mine were ready to declare victory once again until your damnable ancestors found in our original agreement a caveat at the bottom, in fine print, written backwards, in coded Sanskrit, upside down, scribed in stealthy ink only visible by firelight. Funny how that a seems to happen more than you'd think."

"So let me guess Stinky," I said. "My rocking ancestors who mastered time-travel sent you here to get me to pick the 2009 season. But couldn't I cheat and just check out the results? Why did you go forward in time instead of back"?

"Like I said, your ancestors were fucked. But they bred these giant crustaceans to have power over the minds of men, and once grasped even a lying scallywag like yourself must be true to their word. Now take your burden!" He shoved the Giant Starfish into my hands and instantly disappeared.

Looking down at the exposed underbelly of this strange beast, my mind swam. It's large beak, exposed and slowly clicking, hypnotized me. I felt myself falling, falling...falling.

I awoke in a daze. I was lying on the street as people strangely dressed stepped by without a second look. After gaining my bearings, I stood and took in my surroundings. I was aghast.

The cars, the buildings, everything around me was like the Holo-History in school. I would have believed I had been bushwhacked and thrown into a Sim-Player, but for the Giant Starfish still gripping my hand and my ability to touch the people passing by.

After multiple attempts to get someone to tell me the date, finally a young Mother told me my doom: Friday the 13th March 2009. I turned my face to the sky and let out a violent,"No!"

fin
( for now)

American League:

East
1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Rays
4. Orioles
5. Jays

Central
1. Twins
2. Racist Logos
3. White Sox
4. Tigers
5. Royals

West
1. Angels
2.A's
3. Rangers
4. Mariners

National League:

East
1. Mets
2. Phillies
3. Braves
4. Marlins
5. Nationals

Central
1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
3. Brewers
4. Reds
5. Astros
6. Pirates

West
1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Giants
4. Rockies
5. Padres

Batting Champ

AL: Dustin Pedroia, Sox
NL: Albert Pujols, Cardinals

Home Run Champ

AL: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
NL: Ryan Howard, Philles

ERA Champ

AL: Roy Halladay, Blue Jays
NL: Johan Santana, Mets

Strikeout Champ

AL: A.J. Burnett
NL: Tim Lincecum

MVP's

AL: Mark Teixeira, Yankees-1B
NL: Manny Ramirez, Dodgers-LF

Cy Young

AL: Jon Lester- Red Sox
NL: Johan Santana- Mets

Divisional Series:
AL: Yanks over Angels in 5 games
Red Sox over in Twins 3 games

NL: Mets over Dodgers in 3 games
Cubs over Phillies in 5 games

Championship Series:
AL: Yanks over Red Sox in 7 games
NL: Cubs over Mets in 6 games

World Series:

Yankees over Cubs in 5 games

All-Time Sox team (cause Bad Sunglasses ain't gonna do it...)

2009-02-10T11:02:00.005-05:00

So I'm gettin mentally ready for the baseball season, and as such, I've decided to re-start the best all time teams. Knowing that Bad Sunglasses would rather be ritually disemboweled with a combination of a blunt rusty nail, a yard of razor wire and a giant slingshot (use your imagination) than to write up a Red Sox post, I'll take it upon myself..

So here we go:

C: Carlton Fisk - 7 time All Star with Sox of the Red variety, went on to cement his HOF career with a reinvention as more of a power hitter with the Sox of the White variety. In Boston, he had 6 seasons of 17 plus hrs, was an all-around solid player, and has the most famous hit in Red Sox history.
Best Season: 1977, .315/.402/.521, 26 HRs, 102 RBI.

1B: Jimmie Foxx - He of the double x. This guy might be one of the most underrated ball players in the history of the game. In his six full seasons with the Sox, he never had less than 100 rbi, never had a SLG of less than .500, and averaged 36 HRs.
Best Season: 1938, .349/.462/.704, 50 hrs, 175 rbi, 119 walks. Throw in another 41 extra base hits. WOW. A well deserved MVP, and has to rank among the best seasons all time. Sadly enough, doesn't even merit Foxx's best season, which was in 1932 with Philly.

2B: Bobby Doerr - 14 year Hall of Fame career, all with Boston produced a .288/.362/.461 line, as well as 8 consecutive seasons in the top 25 MVP standings. 6 seasons with 100+ RBI, OPS+ of over 100 for 12 straight seasons (finishing off his career.
Best Season: 1944, .325/.399/.528, OPS+ of 165, 10 triples, 15 hrs. Not shabby for a 2B, eh?

3B: Wade Boggs - THE hitting machine of the 80s, only one season below .302 in his 11 years in Boston, as well as only one season sub-400 OBP. Seems to have used the alleys in Fenway to his advantage, racking up 8 seasons of 40+ doubles. Yet another Hall of Famer.
Best Season: 1987, put up a .363/.461/.588, with 24 homers (a full 20% of his career homers) in only 147 games. Won the batting crown, had the highest OBP and OPS.

SS: Joe Cronin - This one was real tight - I'm going with Cronin in a bid to avoid starting the obvious roid monster Nomar Garciaparra. He put up some solid numbers in his time in Boston, but I'm going with the throwback guy. Cronin was the player/manager for the Sox for the duration of his 10 years on the field (managing for another 2 after that). His career line is a respectable .301/.390/.468, not bad for a SS. Oh yeah, and he's a Hall of Famer.
Best Season: 1938, where he put up .325/.428/.536, 18 HRs, and topping it off with at 135 OPS+.

OF: Ted Williams - Not much needs to be said here. Whole career spent in Boston, winning 2 MVPs, coming in second 4 times. Well known as last guy to hit .400 in a season - though he actually hit .400 in 2 other seasons (albeit very very short seasons). Check out this list of his OPS+ numbers, starting in his rookie season of 1939: 160, 162, 235, 217, 215, 205, 189, 192, 168, 165, 272(!!!), 267 (!!!), 201, 209, 172, 233, 179, 114, and 190. Seriously, his worst season ever he was still outslugging the league average.
Best Season: Gotta go with 1941, .406/.553/.735. Wow. Also, not only did he hit 400, but he clubbed 37 HRs and drove in 120.

OF: Carl Yaztremski - Had the unenviable task of starting in LF after Williams, but did alright for himself, putting together a HoF career. 23 seasons with the Sox, hit 40 plus HRs 3 times, had 22 double digit HR seasons.
Best Season: Monster year in 1967, walked away with the MVP for hitting .326, clubbing 44 HRs, SLG was over 600. Also stole 10 bases that year. Pretty well rounded player, this guy.

OF: Manny Ramirez - World class ego on this guy, but boy if he isn't one of the best pure hitters this generation has seen. The man has done nothing but munch on pitching his whole career. After a remarkable start in Cleveland, he came to Boston, averaged 36.5 HRs a year, never batted below .292, had only one season of less than 102 RBI. Crappy fielder, and seems to be a crappy negotiator, but he held court at the Monster there for a number of years.
Best Season: 2006, which is slightly lower in raw numbers than 2004, but actually is a better season, i think. .321/.439/.619, 165 OPS+, fewer SO than 06, More BB. I'd take him for my team...

DH: David Ortiz - Big Papi, famously a Rule 5 acquisition from the Twins... boy did he blossom. Always a little skeptical of him and the probability of the Roids, but he did seem to come up with the clutch hits when they were needed. Top 5 in the MVP voting for 5 years straight, ending with last year's injury riddled team. Has what appears to be a SLG line in Boston hovering right at .600. (Sad footnote... guess which NW seafaring team brought this guy up through the minors before trading him... blerg)
Best Season: I think it'd have to be 2006, where he hit .287/.413/.636, 54 HRs, 137 RBI.

SP:
Cy Young: Well, they did name the award after him. He really was that good.
Best Season: 1901, where he went 33-10, pitching 371 innings, with a 1.62 ERA, which was good for an ERA+ of 216.

Roger Clemens: Wow this kid was skinny back in the day, eh? What a power pitcher though. No-brainer here. This was before the roids got hold of him and he was just a firecracker (translation: asshole) from Texas.
Best Season: 1990, where he was 21-6, 209 K's, a 1.93 ERA, a 213 ERA+ and didn't win the CY YOUNG???? Miscarriage of justice... Bob Welch, you got away with robbery. Yeah, your 27 wins is impressive, but ain't got anything on Roger.

Pedro Martinez - put up 2 amazing seasons back to back in 99 and 2000. Finished in the top 4 in Cy Young voting 5 out of the 6 years he was in boston, and the one year he didn't, he was injured half the year. Such a power pitcher, so much finesse. Dude had 1 season with an ERA over 3.00 in his time in Boston.
Best Season: I give up - either 99 or 2000. 99 had him going 23-4, 313 K's, and a 2.07 ERA. 2000 he was only 18-6, but put up 285 Ks and had a 1.74 ERA. 291 ERA+. Unreal.

Babe Ruth - won 89 games in a little over 5 seasons as a pitcher in Boston.hovered around 2.00 ERA, while putting up as many as 325 innings. Mind you, in these same 6 seasons, he hit about 50 HRs, batted .300 or so... well rounded athlete, this guy.
Best Season: 1917, where he was 23-12 in 323 innings, amassing 170 Ks and a 1.75 ERA.

Joe Wood - Kind of an unknown quantity, this one. I liked his nickname - Smokey Joe. He also put up one helluva season in 1912 that pushed him over the top of an otherwise unremarkable second tier of pitchers.
Best Season - 1912, 34-5, 344 innings, 258 Ks, 1.91 ERA. Good numbers in any era.

RP: Jonathan Papelbon (closer), Dennis Eckersley, Tim Wakefield, Bruce Hurst, Luis Tiant
I loaded this with mostly starters, cause wow this is a pretty terrible bullpen. Eck was a starter at this point, so it was well before his glory days in the pen.

Bench: Jason Varitek, Mo Vaughn, Dwight Evans, Jim Rice, Nomar Garciaparra

Oh, such a long time...

2009-02-06T16:23:00.002-05:00

Hi all reader(s) out there...

It's been a while. Yet again. Even though I promised I would write more frequently. I lied. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett.

I don't really have any thematic posts in mind, but I thought I'd throw out some things I've been thinking:

- It's really effing cold in New York and I'm ready for spring, not just for the start of baseball.

- I think the Yankees are spoiled brats, but I think they've mounted a pretty solid ballclub this year. Now let's see if they can get, oh I don't know, ANYONE who knows ANYTHING about physical training down there in Florida to get these guys' muscles to stretch out. I mean seriously, as a team, the Yankees make Ken Griffey look like a Ironman participant.

- My beloved Mariners have a crack new GM and he looks like he's assembling a very different ballclub than we've seen in the past. They seem to be defense first, which works for Safeco Field, and it also makes their potentially woeful pitching staff better. Looks like we may be able to get 4 months of Bedard before they trade him, and it's in his best interest to give us some quality innings. I'd really like to see them pick up another bat (Abreu or possibly Griffey, provided they're short contracts for under say 6 or 8 mil) and love to see them get rid of Washburn/Silva/Batista. All in all, though, i'm pleasantly surprised. Let's go Mariners!

- Michael Phelps must have taken a giant rip off that thing, what with the lung capacity those swimmers must have.

- I love that my cable now works and I'll have MLB network during hte season. That being said, I can't be bothered to watch things like the Caribbean World Series. Though, when I did watch, I learned that the Mexico squad had 3 gentlemen named Gonzalez in the infield (1B, 2B, and P), only 2 of which were related.

- Free tickets to the new Yankee Stadium, accepted right here!

- Holmes' right foot wasn't down, folks. Not enough evidence to overturn, mind you, but that shit was off the ground.

- Stay tuned for the new and improved rules for this season's baseball bet. Zaaq will make it 3 in a row, bitches!!!

That's all for now, folks...

til the next time,

Zaaq

C.C. Sabathia and The Red Sox

2008-12-30T02:31:00.002-05:00

Much has been made of C.C.'s record against the Red Sox. The numbers, regular and post-season, seem brutal:2-7, 5.75 ERA, 57 innings, 63 hits, 15 walks, 1.36 WHIP, and 44 strikeouts. But those horrible numbers were posted against a line-up sporting the greatest right-handed hitter since Jimmie Foxx.

That Righty,Manny Ramirez, no longer plays for the Red Sox. C.C. is a lefty. Their career numbers against each other: regular season-AB 21 H 12 2B 3 3B 0 HR 4 RBI 7 BB 1 SO 2 BA .571 OBP .609 SLG 1.286 OPS 1.895, and postseason-AB 4 H 4 2B 4 0 B HR 0 RBI 3 BB 2 SO 0 BA 1.000 OBP 1.000 SLG 1.250 OPS 2.250.

The Sox still have guys with great numbers against C.C.; particularly Youkillis. He did bat behind Manny. Ortiz and Pedroia both have great post-season numbers.

These Sox may still pound C.C., but maybe not. Past numbers are skewed. The Yankees and The Red Sox; these are different teams now.

Back At Long Last... Baseball edition

2008-11-07T14:11:00.002-05:00

Hi there all (well, all one of you :) ),

After such a long absence, it may take a bit to get back into the swing of things (what with crawling back from the underworld, I'll need to dust myself off and re-animate my flesh), but here's the bullet point version of my final thoughts on the baseball season:

Loved the outcome of the season - I mean, I probably would have been happier to see the Rays take it, but props to the Phillies. Gillick put together a solid all around team there, and they could be in contention to challenge for the next couple years (provided they pick up an arm and can replace Burrell).

The Rays are going to be monsters. They'll be in contention for at least the next few years, provided they can pick up a smart DH and don't have any major regressions in their young position players.

Bad Sunglasses, I respectfully disagree with your assessment of Upton as the future star of this team. I would pick Longoria as the guy who will have the best career. Very well rounded power hitter, solid third baseman... Upton will be good, but I just don't get the feel of a dominant player there - a solid 5 tools player, sure, and surely a valuable piece of his team for a number of years. I think, though, that his power burst in the playoffs won't be repeatable, and he'll be good but not great.

Yankees will be an interesting experiment to watch this offseason - we're seeing that low payroll teams with speed, defense, and effective pitching are picking up more and more wins (Tampa Bay, Minnesota, Florida, etc), and teams with massive payrolls and aging superstars are sinking in teh standings (Seattle, NYY, NYM, Detroit, etc.). With a lot of money to spend and a lot of clout, I'll be interested to see what kind of team Cashman puts together this year.

Same goes for the Mariners, though we're probably still 2 years out. I agree with some of hte blogosphere that it's possible for us to have a moderately successful 2009 if the right moves are made. Their new GM, Zduriencik, has his work cut out for him, but I have the faith that only the support of an ailing, frustrating but potentially good team can bring.

Finally, my prediction for Free Agent bust of 2009 - Derek Lowe. I just don't see him pitching well anywhere. He'll get around 10MM, which is ridiculous.

Football thoughts to come soon...

The '08 World Series

2008-10-22T23:55:00.001-04:00

The Final Rant on the '08 Yanks

2008-10-20T16:05:00.001-04:00

2008-10-16T01:39:00.004-04:00

miss you, boy.

The '08 Yanks

2008-09-18T21:39:00.003-04:00

Ever put a penny in your mouth? It tastes like blood. The Yanks have 81 wins; they're not exactly bleeding. But it sure as hell tastes like copper.

Puttin My Chips on the Table - The Football Bet

2008-09-12T15:46:00.002-04:00

So I don't have huge amounts of time to craft a super original post, but much like a casino, I need to get my chips out on the table before the dealer deals... So I'm gonna make my predictions, and I'll justify them later.

AFC East
1. Pats
2. Jets
3. Bills
4. Dolphins

AFC North
1. Pitt
2. Cleveland
3. Baltimore
4. Cincy

AFC South
1. Jacksonville
2. Indy
3. Tennessee
4. Houston

AFC East
1. Denver
2. San Diego
3. Oakland
4. Kansas City

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Eagles
3. Giants
4. Redskins

NFC North
1. Green Bay
2. Minnesota
3. Chicago
4. Detroit

NFC South
1. New Orleans
2. Carolina
3. Atlanta
4. Tampa Bay

NFC West
1. Seattle
2. San Francisco
3. Arizona
4. St. Louis

AFC Wild Cards: Indy, Chargers

NFC Wild Cards: Eagles, Vikings

First Round Winners, AFC: Pats, Chargers

First Round Winners, NFC: Vikings, Packers

Second Round Winners, AFC: Jacksonville, Pitt

Second Round Winners, NFC: Vikings, Cowboys

AFC Champ: Pittsburgh

NFC Champ: Cowboys

Superbowl Champ: Steelers

MVP: Tony Romo

Bloated and Belated-2008 NFL Predictions

2008-09-11T16:11:00.010-04:00

Somebody light a match, I just spent two months in the crapper.

But now that I've passed that massive turd, I can get back to posting sports rambles that no one will read. Let's predictionate!

Granted the first week of the season has been past, but so is Sarah Palin's amniotic fluid, supposedly leaked from Texas to Alaska like some meta-oil state Hansel and Gretel breadcrumb trail. If she can get her birth on in such a grossly suspect and just plain gross manner so can I!

NFC East:
1. Cowboys- Unless Romo goes down.
2. Giants- The wild card team.
3. Eagles- They'll swoon when McNabb goes down. Which he will and probably take Westbrook with him.
4. The Racist Logos- Who cares about these douches? Lobbyists? Glad they suck.

NFC South:
1. Saints-Now that Deuce is less of a factor maybe they'll take the reins off Reggie.
2. Panthers- Will just miss the playoffs.
3. Bucs- Their tiny window closed against the Giants in the playoffs last year. Blow it up.
4. Falcons- Don't get too excited Atlanta. You were playing Detroit.

NFC West:
1. Cards- Too much talent for the rest of the weakest division in football outside of the Big East.
2. Hawks- A .500 team. Holgrem likes to end things the way he starts them.
3. Rams- Living in the past?
4. 49ers- Wha...Wha...happened?

NFC North:
1. Packers- Rogers is better than Orton so they get the nod over the Bears.
2. Bears- The second Wild Card
3. Vikings: Starting at QB Tavaris Jackson! What a waste.
4. Lions: Back to being the worst team in football. Matt Millen is a Sith.

AFC North:
1. Steelers- A rematch of the '96 bowl with Dallas could be in the cards.
2. Ravens- So boring. Coolest nickname in 'ball though.
3. Browns- Another window missed from last season.
4. Bengals- Blow it up II.

AFC South:
1. Colts- Until they lose it, they're the team to beat.
2. Jags- Will just miss the playoffs.
3. Houston- .500
4. Titans- Vince Young. The Derrick Coleman of the NFL.

AFC West:
1. Broncos- Best of the second worst division in the NFL.
2. Chargers- Second Wild Card
3. Chiefs- Herm Edwards is the Sith apprentince.
4. Raiders- Al Davis is the Lord of the Siths.

AFC East:
1. Jets- Get used to it.
2. Patriots- The third Wild Card team. Unless Bradey goes down. Oh wait...
3. Bills- .500
4. Dolphins- Better than their record.

First Round NFC Winners- Saints, and Bears
First Round AFC Winners- Colts, and Jets

Second Round NFC Winners- Cowboys and Saints
Second Round AFC Winners- Steelers and Broncos

NFC Champs: Cowboys
AFC Champs: Steelers

Super Bowl Champs: Cowboys

MVP: Tony Romo

Don't worry about a repeat in 2009 though. Every single member of the 'boys will hold out of the '09 training camp for more money, hookers, and blow.

The All-Time Chicago White Sox Team

2008-07-12T00:03:00.006-04:00

Black Sox included.

Catcher: CARLTON FISK

1. Highlights: Ten straight double digit HR seasons. 4 All Star teams. Double digits in doubles ten out of eleven seasons.

2. Career Best: .293 AVG in '89, .378 OBP in '90, .518 in '83. 37 HRs, and 101 RBIs in '85. 85 RS, 141 Hits, and 26 doubles in '83.

3. Summary: One of the top ten catchers in baseball history. His best season was in Boston, but he was hurt a lot, and missed a ton of games for the Red Sox. Boston gave up on him, famously, too quickly. Carlton came back in a big way after he was traded. The best part of his career was in Chicago.

First Base: FRANK THOMAS

1. Highlights: Back to back MVP seasons: '93, and '94. Eight straight years with over a .300 AVG, .400 OBP, 100 RS, 100 RBIs, and 100 BB. Five straight years with 35 or more HRs and over a .600 SLG. Ten straight seasons with 25 or more doubles. In his eighteen seasons played, Frank Thomas has had a +OPS of over 100 in seventeen of them. His .729 SLG in '94 was the first .700 SLG in the American League since Ted Williams in '57.

2. Career Best: .353 AVG, .487 OBP, and a .729 SLG all in '94. 115 RS, 191 Hits, 143 RBIs, and 43 HRs in '00. 46 doubles in '92. 138 BB in '91.

3. Summary: For most of his career, there was a running debate over who was the better first baseman: Frank or Jeff Bagwell. Most prominent baseball experts came out for Bagwell, including Bill James. I think those experts would like a do over. Along with Griffey Jr., Thomas seems to be the poster child for playing clean in the Steroid Era. Thomas was always so big and so strong, it begs the question: what would the man have done and looked like if he HAD done steroids and HGH? Conan the Barbarian? Solomon Grundy? Incidentally, Frank has one of the lowest Hit by Pitch ratios of all time. Go figure.

Second Base: EDDIE COLLINS
1. Highlights: 12 straight years with an OPS+ of over 100. Came in second in the MVP voting two years in a row: '23, and '24 ( he won a MVP while with Philly). A .400 OBP or better eleven out of twelve seasons with the Chi Sox. A .300 AVG or better ten out of twelve seasons.

2. Career Best: 224 hits, 38 doubles, .372 AVG, and a .493 SLG in '20. A .461 OBP in '25. 118 RS in '18. 17 triples in '16. 53 SB in '17.

3. Summary:Like a lot of the All-Time greats, Eddie did a lot of things well, for a long time. When you see the best numbers spread out over multiple seasons, it's a good indication of a player who always found a way to contribute. Top five second baseman of All-Time. Not implicated in throwing the 1919 World Series.

Third Base: ROBIN VENTURA

1. Highlights: Double digit HRs and doubles for six years. Had an OPS+ of over 100 for eight straight years.

2. Career Best: .295 AVG, and .384 OBP in '95. 38 doubles in '92. 34 HR and 105 RBI in '96. 105 BB in '93.

3. Summary: It always seemed like , with that fluid swing of his, he had more in him. Maybe Robin was one of those guys that things come too easy to for their own good; like Darryl Strawberry, another lefty with a sweet swing. Still a solid fielding third baseman with some power, who gets on base is hard to find. Charged the mound on the 46 year old Nolan Ryan and got his ass handed to him.

Shortstop: LUKE APPLING

1. Highlights: A Hall of Famer, Appling won two batting titles, played in seven All Star games and came in second in the MVP voting twice. Hit .300 or better 15 out of 16 years. Led the league in OBP in '43.

2. Career Best: 111 RS, 204 Hits, 128 RBI, .388 AVG, .474 OBP, .508 SLG all in '36 (the high water year for league offense). 42 doubles in '37. 13 triples in '40. 8 HR in '47. 27 steals in '43.

3. Summary: The man could hit, but his defense was consistently average; which makes him more of a modern shortstop. Didn't have a ton of speed, and didn't steal a lot of bases. Had doubles power. Sort of a unique player in that he wasn't really a big run scorer(reached 100 only once), wasn't a big RBI man ( reached 100 only once), and he would alternate season by season, between taking a lot of walks and putting the ball in play. Baseball people used to look down their collective noses at walks. If Appling played today, he'd probably draw around 100 walks every season, and the yearly variations in his batting approach would disappear.

Outfield: JOE JACKSON

1. Highlights: Led the league in triples twice. Hit over .300 every year with the White Sox. Had double digits in doubles and triples every full year with Chicago. Had over 200 hits, 40 doubles, and 20 triples twice ( '16 and '20 his first and last years with Chicago).

2. Career Best: 105 RS, 218 Hits, 42 doubles, 121 RBI, .382 AVG, .444 OBP, .589 SLG all in '20(had slightly higher numbers during seasons with Cleavland). 21 triples, and 24 SB in '16.

3. Summary: Joe's best years were in Cleavland, and I have no doubt that he wished he'd never been traded to Chicago. You don't hit .375 in a World Series trying to throw games. But there's no denying that Joe sat in on the meetings where the decision by other players to throw games was made. I guess Joe thought he could have it both ways: attend the meetings, talk shit and act tough, then play hard in the games to look good in front of the public. Didn't work out so hot.

Outfield: MINNIE MINOSO

1. Highlights: Made six All-Star teams. Won two gold gloves. Scored 100 runs and had 100 RBI four times. Had double digits in doubles, triples and HRs in the same season three times. Led the league for one season in hits '60, total bases '54, doubles '57, and games played '60. Led the league three times in triples, and stolen bases. Led the league in hit by a pitch eight times; a forerunner of Craig Biggio.

2. Career Best: 119 RS in '54, 184 hits in '60, 36 doubles in '57, 18 triples in '54, 21 HR in '56, 116 RBI in '54, 31 SB in '51, .326 AVG in '51, .425 OBP in '56, .535 SLG in '54.

3. Summary: Minnie was 28 when he made his debut in the majors in '49. He'd played in the Negro leagues since '45. If he hadn't lost those four years to the color barrier would Minoso be in the Hall of Fame? I think so. Regardless, Minoso is one of the most well rounded, and underrated players of the post-war period. Never got to play in the post season, a shame because I believe he was the exact type of player who shines in pressure situation: the type who can make adjustments to how he's being pitched and still be just as productive.

Outfield: MAGGLIO ORDONEZ

1. Highlights: Made four All-Star teams, and won one Silver Slugger award. 100 RS three times, four straight years with over 100 RBI and 30 HRs, five straight years with over 34 doubles, .300 AVG, and a .500 SLG.

2. Career Best: 192 hits in '03. 25 SB in '01. 116 RS, 47 doubles, 38 HRs, 135 RBI in '02. .320 AVG in '02, .382 OBP in '01, .597 SLG in '02.

3. Summary: Great power and average hitter who's defense is bad enough that he should be a DH. Unfortunately for Maggs, Frank Thomas and Gary Sheffeild were both worse defenders than Ordonez was when he played with them.

Designated Hitter: HAROLD BAINES

1. Highlights: Made four All-Star teams. Won the Silver Slugger award in '89. Led the AL in SLG in '84. Ten straight seasons with double digits in both doubles and HRs. Harold was the oldest player in the league in '01.

2. Career Best: 39 doubles in '88. 10 triples, and 29 HR in '84. 198 hits, and .311 AVG, .399 OBP, .541 SLG.

3. Summary: Played in the bad stat era of the eighties; almost a mini-deadball era compared to the seventies players and the nineties players. I mean the guy led the American league in slugging one year with a .541. A .541! Harold was one of the most feared left handed hitters in the American league for years, and this is one career where the numbers don't tell the whole story.

Pitchers:ED WALSH, EDDIE CICOTTE, DOC WHITE, BILLY PIERCE, RED FARBER.--Closer: HOYT WILHELM

1. Highlights: Billy Pierce had an ERA+ of 201 in 1955. Otherwise most of the pitching records are Ed Walsh's. He was sort of a Walter Johnson light for the White Sox. Ed Walsh 1.27 ERA and 0.820 WHIP in 1910. Walsh also had 40 Wins, 42 CG, 11 SHO, 269 SO and 464 innings in 1908. Bobby Thigpen 57 Saves in 1990.

2. Career Best: Ed Walsh's 1908: 464 IP, 269 SO, 40 W 15 L, 1.42 ERA, 0.860 WHIP, 163 ERA+.

Eddie Cicotte's 1917: 346 IP, 150 SO, 28 W 12 L, 1.53 ERA, 0.912 WHIP, 174 ERA+.

Doc White's 1906: 219 IP, 95 SO, 18 W 6 L, 1.52 ERA, 0.903 WHIP, 168 ERA+.

Billy Pierce's 1955: 205 IP, 157 SO, 15 W 10 L, 1.97 ERA, 1.099 WHIP, 201 ERA+.

Red Faber's 1921: 330 IP, 124 SO, 25 W 15 L, 2.48 ERA, 1.149 WHIP, 171 ERA+.

Hoyt Wilhelm's 1965: 66 games, 144 IP, 106 SO, 1.81 ERA, 0.833 WHIP, 176 ERA+.

3. Summary: Is that the best All-Time staff? It damn well could be. Top five definitely.

Bench: NELLIE FOX,A.J. PIERZYNSKI, CARLOS LEE, BIBB FALK, PAUL KONERKO

Bullpen: Bobby Thigpen, TED LYONS, REB RUSSELL, FRANK SMITH, JIM SCOTT

Batting Order:
1.Collins-L
2.Appling-R
3.Jackson-L
4.Thomas-R
5.Baines-L
6.Ordonez-R
7.Ventura-L
8.Fisk-R
9.Minoso-R

Conclusion: An extremely balanced line-up that has everything but great speed on the bases. An unbelievable rotation that could pitch shutouts against the '27 Yankees. Throw in a great bench and a solid bullpen and the Chi Sox are pushing for a spot in the top five teams of All-Time. Although there's always the chance they might end up throwing all their games; you know, for the money.

My Life in Albums

2008-07-08T19:25:00.004-04:00

So yeah, this is way way off topic, but I saw this, and I was compelled to do it myself... And just so we're clear - this is a retrospective look. I'm not talking about the albums that I thought were the best in that year. I'm looking back and saying objectively what I now think the best albums released that year are. Also, greatest hits records don't count. Also also, I have to have actually listened to the whole album, if not owned it at one point.

Here's nothing:

1978: Ambient I: Music for Airports, by Brian Eno

1979: (tie) London Calling, by The Clash and The Wall, by Pink Floyd

1980: Back in Black, AC/DC

1981: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, AC/DC (really, i'm not a big AC/DC fan at all, but I'm tellin ya, 1981 is a rough year for music. I'd probably pick October by U2, but honestly, I never really listened to the whole thing...)

1982: Thriller, by Michael Jackson

1983: War, by U2

1984: Reckoning, by R.E.M.

1985: Meat is Murder, by The Smiths

1986: So, by Peter Gabriel

1987: Diesel and Dust, by Midnight Oil and The Joshua Tree, by U2 (with Document by R.E.M., Appetite for Destruction, by G'N'R, and Kick by INXS right behind these two... what a great year for music...)

1988: Rattle and Hum, by U2

1989: The Stone Roses, by The Stone Roses

1990: Ritual de lo Habitual, by Jane's Addiction

1991: Loveless, by My Bloody Valentine and Achtung Baby by U2. I'm sorry. I can't pick. Especially cause it was going to be a no-brainer for Ten by Pearl Jam until i saw that both the U2 and MBV records both came out in THE SAME MONTH?!?!?! Oh, to go back in time and smack my 13-year old self upside the head and tell him to buy these instead of the Use Your Illusions... well, in all fairness, I did buy Achtung Baby...

1992: Angel Dust, by Faith No More

1993: Dubnobasswithmyheadman, by Underworld

1994: Grace, by Jeff Buckley

1995: The Bends, by Radiohead

1996: Being There, by Wilco

1997: OK Computer, by Radiohead - the only year that required no research at all (which is unfortunate, because some great records came out this year - Perfect from Now On, by Built to Spill; Either/Or, by Elliott Smith; Lonesome Crowded West, by Modest Mouse; Urban Hymns, by the Verve; Young Team, by Mogwai; and F♯A♯∞, by Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

1998: Mezzanine, by Massive Attack

1999: Keep It Like A Secret, by Built To Spill

2000: Kid A, by Radiohead

2001: Those Who Tell The Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever, by Explosions in the Sky

2002: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, by Wilco

2003: Give Up, by The Postal Service

2004: Eveningland, by Hem

2005: Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens

2006: Everything All the Time, by Band of Horses and The Animal Years, by Josh Ritter

2007: Neon Bible, by Arcade Fire

2008: The Seldom Seen Kid, by Elbow

All-Time Teams - Seattle Mariners, or, A History of Abject Failure and/or Disappointment

2008-06-26T15:32:00.009-04:00

Oh, the Mariners! My team of teams. I loved them as a young boy, my interest in baseball waned, then came back with a vengence. Through it all, I've kept my allegiance to this sucker of a team. With our tridents held high, let us set sail on the seas of Mariner-dom and pick out the mightiest of sailors.

Catcher: Dan Wilson
1. Highlights: Well, Wilson was always a fan favorite. He was also pretty consistent for a catcher. I'd rather be able to say something more about the "best" catcher in M's history, but there you have it.

2. Career Best: Career season was 1996, where he put up a .285/.330/.444 line, with 18 hrs and 83 RBI, all career highs. Also finished with a .995 fielding percentage behind the plate.

3. Summary: Like I said, kinda bad for the best ever, but Wilson was a solid backstop for 2 waves of great Seattle teams (mid 90s, early 2000s), was an excellent defensive catcher, and managed every year to not suck. In Seattle, that means success!!!

First Base: Alvin Davis

1. Highlights: Beating out Tino Martinez and John Olerud, both of whom had short tenures in Seattle, Davis started out with a bang in 1984 (RoY) and strung together 8 solid years at first.

2. Career Best: .305/.424/.496 line with 156 OPS+ in 1989, 29 HRs and 37 doubles in 1987.

3. Summary: Solid, reliable, but not terribly flashy. OPS+ stayed above 100 until his last season in Seattle. Finished with 160 HRs and a career .280/.380/.450 line, which is remarkable if only for showing a remarkable discipline to finish one's career with such round numbers.

Second Base: Bret Boone

1. Highlights: One of the driving factors in the M's epic 2001 regular season. Had a solid string of 4 seasons from 2001 through 2004, before suffering an epic collapse in 2005.

2. Career Best: That 2001 season, losing the MVP race to Ichiro despite a .331/.372/.578 line with 37 hrs and 141 RBI, all career highs.

3. Summary: Undoubtedly a Roid monster, he exploded from a poor-to-mediocre talent to a MVP candidate with power, speed and versatility, only to deflate quickly and come crashing to Earth. Still, his 2001 has to be one of the best seasons by a 2B in the last 20... definitely among the top 5.

Third Base: Edgar Martinez

1. Highlights: 6 year stretch in the late nineties of hitting at least .320, hitting at least 22 hrs, and posting OPS+ of 150 or higher.

2. Career Best: I think it'd have to be 1995, where he won the AL batting title, leading the AL in OBP, hit .356/.479/.628, and hit 29 HRS.

3. Summary: A little bit of cheating here... Edgar really belongs at DH, as he spent an overwhelming majority of his career there. But the M's really have no good 3Bs in their history, and Edgar was just so good that I decided to look upon his pre-hamstrung hamstring days with favor.

Shortstop: Alex Rodriguez

1. Highlights: While he didn't put up the Herculean numbers he would eventually tally in Texas and New York, Seattle's #1 overall pick in 1993 got goin in a hurry for the Mariners. Despite only playing here for 3500 PAs, in the top 10 in every major offensive category.

2. Career Best: 1996, his first full season, where he finished second in the MVP voting to Juan Gonzalez, despite putting up arguably better numbers. Finished batting .358/.414/.631, with 36 HRs and 123 RBI.

3. Summary: This is the guy any good Mariner fan loves to hate, but his impact on the game in Seattle (perhaps in general) is undeniable. He put up good season after good season, stayed out of trouble, and before jumping ship for the highest paycheck, did all we could ask of him.

Outfield: Ken Griffey, Jr.

1. Highlights: In the top 5 of every meaningful offensive category in Seattle history (and in the top 3 of most of those), The Kid played with a swagger and grace never before seen in Seattle. This picture (and everything behind it) singlehandedly saved baseball in Seattle.

2. Career Best: His monster 1997 year won him the MVP - 56 hrs, 147 RBI. However, I'd argue that his 1994 was the more ridiculous season - 40 hrs, .323/.402/.674 in 110 games. His run from 1993 through 2000 (save an injury filled 1995) is pretty spectacular.

3. Summary: This guy was on the way to being the best ever, and prior to jumping ship from Seattle in a fairly disgraceful manner, he lived up to every bit of potential everyone saw in him. Manning centerfield better than anyone in his generation, putting up power numbers with apparent effortlessness, this guy was among the most well-rounded players in the modern era.

Outfield: Ichiro Suzuki

1. Highlights: The new face of the Mariners, the master of the awesome sports quote ("To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."), a strange athletic phenomenon, and really one of the more underrated players (in my opinion). Career .331 BA, record holder for hits in one season with 262, and a cannon of an arm.

2. Career Best: 2004, 262 hits, .372 BA, 36 stolen bases. Just a monster of a year - especially considering he started in April/May at .255. 3 months batting over 400, 4 months with 50+ hits. Crazy.

3. Summary: 1278 hits in Japan, 1692 hits in the majors. Dude is a hit machine - I really think that he'll pass Pete Rose in hits total (which obviously won't count, but still...). He's just a unique individual, a great player, and almost impossible to defend against.

Outfield: Jay Buhner

1. Highlights: Couldn't hit for average to save his life, his strikeouts sent stiff breezes blowing throughout the Kingdome (creating some form of cyclone phenomenon - may have been responsible for this), but boy did that ball fly off his bat.

2. Career Best: 1996, where he hit 44 HRs, 138 RBI and struck out a mere 159 times. Worth noting was his career high in strikeouts, which is an impressive 175 Ks in 540 AB.

3. Summary: Bone, as he is affectionately known, is a crazy bastard. Read this story to find the portion about Jay Buhner - believe me, the whole article is great, but Jay's portion is awesome. Truly a power hitter, also had a cannon of an arm, and anchored the bottom half of the M's lineup for several years.

Designated Hitter: John Olerud

1. Highlights: A Washington native, he was welcomed home with open arms to finish his career. Well, he had stints with the Yanks and Sox after he left Seattle, but still. Notable for his steady production (often around .300, lots of doubles and 20 hrs) and for wearing a batting helmet on the field (the result of having an aneurysm while on the field at WSU), he may also be the whitest man ever.

2. Career Best: His best season in Seattle came in 2002, with a .300/.403/.490 line. He accounted for 7.2 RC/9, and in his usual quiet way, knocked in 102 runs on 22 HRs.

3. Summary: Make no mistake, Olerud's finest days were prior to his stint in Seattle. I'd guess that he'll easily make the Blue Jays all-time team and, while he was there for a very short time, may make at least the bench in New York for the Mets. That said, Olerud was a key component of the 2000-2004 M's.

Pitchers: Randy Johnson, Jamie Moyer, Mark Langston, Freddy Garcia, Felix Hernandez Closer: Kazuhiro Sasaki

1. Highlights: Well, not much to say here... The Big Unit was a machine in his times in Seattle, and Moyer is the polar opposite type of pitcher, but reinvented his career remarkably well. This is not a great rotation, by any stretch, but when all of these guys were on their game, they'd get some guys out.

2. Career Best: Randy Johnson's 1997 (20 wins, 2.28 ERA, 291 Ks) is up there, as is Moyer's 21 wins in 2003. Freddy probably gets in here because he was good, but he was playing with the offensive Juggernaut that was the 2001 M's. Saves: 45, Kaz Sasaki in 2001.

3. Summary: I guess I've said enough. These guys could all strike some guys out. Bad Sunglasses is gonna give me shit for including Felix Hernandez, but I believe. I've drank (drunk? well, consumed anyway) the Kool-Aid. When he is on, boy, get out of the way. Let's hope we can re-sign him and he can lead us to a victory. Also, how can you not root for a closer who retired from the league because, basically, he was an alcoholic and an inveterate womanizer?

Bench: Harold Reynolds, Mike Cameron, Raul Ibanez, Dave Valle and Phil Bradley

Bullpen: Mike Schooler, J.J. Putz, Arthur Rhodes, Jeff Nelson, Norm Charlton

Batting Order:

1. Ichiro (L)

2. Edgar Martinez (R)

3. Ken Griffey, Jr (L)

4. Alex Rodriguez (R)

5. Bret Boone (R)

6. John Olerud (L)

7. Jay Buhner (R)
8. Alvin Davis (L)

9. Dan Wilson (R)

Conclusion: It's a sad lot in life to root so heartily for such a disappointing team. Even when we set the modern baseball record for wins in a season, we can't beat the Damn Yankees. And we are in the midst of the most epic breakdown this season. But I still love this loser of a team, and we'll be back. Mariners in '09! (or, more realistically, '10).

The 2008 NBA Draft-The Way It Should Be

2008-06-26T15:30:00.005-04:00

So after a watershed year for the NBA, we will see if the lessons learned have been absorbed in time for the draft tonight. Usually the draft is a great opportunity for ridicule, but after two blockbuster trades sent two teams going nowhere to the Finals, there's finally a possibility that the GMs have caught on to what's been obvious to everyone else the past 15 years. Namely European big guys are soft, the guards are better, if a player doesn't perform at a high level in college it's not because he was in the wrong system, he doesn't have it. And the number one thing: if you pick a player in the lottery under 6'7", he'd better be able to shoot and handle the ball, and if you pick a player over 6'8", he'd better be able to score in the paint and rebound.

That being said, the teams will still find a way to fuck it up. So, for posterity's sake, here's how I think the draft should go down.

1. Chicago: Michael Beasley

So two things: 1. Taking the hometown hero to save the Pro team has only worked for LeBron. Most have flamed out under the pressure. Rose is from Chicago and will be under tremendous stress if picked here. 2. The Bulls need scoring in a big way and that's what you get from Beasley. They especially need interior scoring as their two returning High point getters are jump shooters, Deng, and Gordon. Rose gives them leadership and an ability to penetrate. He's not a great passer a la Paul, and without tutelage like Deron Williams got from John Stockton in Utah, don't expect him to log 8-10 assists things.

2. Miami: Derrick Rose

He's best off here, and so is Miami. With Rose and Wade on the perimeter, Miami could have the same kind of outside attack as the back-to-back championship Piston teams of the 80's, with Rose playing Dumars to Wade's Isiah. Wade's ability to create will cover for Rose's lack of assists.

3. Minnesota: Roy Hibbert

If Chicago and Miami brain-fart and Beasley is available here, of course, they take him in a dream scenario for the Wolves. But he won't be available, so God help them from OJ Mayo, the foregone bust of this draft. All of their recent picks have been 1, 2,or 3s. They need help on the inside for Al Jefferson. Someone to rebound, defend, block shots, and shoot a high percentage when the ball finds him open. And who does that in this draft? Roy Hibbert. Feel free to kill for this pick now, but in three years when we look back at this draft, he will be a top five pick.

4. LA Clippers (from Seattle): Jerryd Bayless

This team needs backcourt help in the worst way. They are rumored to be getting this pick only if OJ Mayo hasn't been taken, in which case Seattle will. The aforementioned rule of hometown hero rules out Westbrook here. So I'm going with Bayless. He's got the height to defend, unlike Augistin, and he's a pure point, unlike Gordon. Like Hibbert, he probably will be taken after a bunch of other guys at his position, but 3 years from now he'll be neck and neck with Rose for the top Point Guard in this draft.

5. Memphis: Kevin Love

This team looks terrible, and it is, but there is hope. Conely at point and Gay at small forward is a decent foundation. Neither one is a leader or the face of the franchise. Love would fit both niches, as well as score on the block, rebound, play better defense than he'll get credit for and keep the ball moving in what, if you throw Miller in there, is a potent offense.

6. New York: Russell Westbrook

A great fit. Westbrook would make everybody on this team better and wouldn't have to worry about scoring, with Zach Randolph and Jamal Crawford hogging the ball. The Knicks are too dumb and unlucky to get this player though.

7. Seattle: Marreese Speights

They need help everywhere except for small forward, Kevin Durant, and he's a perimeter forward, so I'm going inside (of course they are looking for a point). Another surprise as there are two or three centers rated ahead of him. This guy has size and his FG is over 60%. Lopez by comparison is under 50%. Otherwise their numbers are comparable.

8. Milwaukee: Mario Chalmers

Another team with a desperate need for a point guard. Luckily for the Bucks, this draft is loaded with point guards. I took Chalmers over Augistin because of Chalmers' versatility, height, and great defensive ability.

9. Charlotte: Danilo Gallinari

They already have a swing forward in Wallace, but Gallinari is a great fit for their roster and would allow them to play a Phoenix type of game.

10. New Jersey: Darrell Arthur

Strong quick, plays defense, runs the floor, and can hit a 10 footer. Now that the Nets have Yi, they need somebody to play inside, and Arthur is the best inside power forward outside of Kevin Love.

Texas Rangers All-Time Team

2008-06-25T11:14:00.005-04:00

The one-time Washington Senators, essentially forced out of our Nation's capital in disgrace, settled in the relative wastelands of Texas and have spent the better part of 35 years trying to live down that disgrace. What lies before you now is a lineup with some real gems, but a whole lot more average players, and possibly one of the 5 worst pitching lineups ever. To be fair, the pitchers in the lineup are mostly fine (3 HoFers and all), but were Rangers late in their career and faded into the sunset with some mediocre seasons.

This is a study of a team who, like modern day Oakland, seems to pull great prospects up, groom them and then send them to bigger markets. Witness the Yankee/RedSoxifying of MLB...

Catcher: Ivan Rodriguez (R)
1. Highlights: 8 year stretch over .300 BA, MVP winner in 1999, putting up career bests in just about every category (see next line).
2. Career Best: 1999 was a great year for him, .332/.356/.558 35 HRs, 113 RBI, 25 stolen bases. Career highs in all counting categories. BA: .347 and Slg: .667 in 2000.
3. Summary: Not even a close call here. 10+ solid seasons at catcher, excellent defensively (10 Gold Gloves in a row, only 2 seasons under .990 fielding percentage), and general team leader.

First Base: Rafael Palmeiro (L)
1. Highlights: His testimony before the House of Representatives... oh wait... He actually hit 321 homers and put up a solid career in the 10 years he played in Arlington.
2. Career Best: .324 BA in 1999, 47 hrs (twice, 1999 and 2001), 148 RBI in 1999. 159 OPS+ in 1999.
3. Summary: Honestly, Palmeiro should be in the Hall. Steroids or not, dude put up some great numbers and was remarkably consistent for 15 years. While contemptable as a person for lying to Congress and throwing Tejada under the bus, he is redeemed by his stats. Also, many points for an excellent moustache (one of many on this Rangers squad).

Second Base: Julio Franco (R)
1. Highlights: This man is not human... seriously, this man was a position player for 23 seasons. Plus, he took like 3 years off entirely. He is 48 years old and played in 50+ games last year. Among his many many many teams, he spent 5 years in Texas in the early 90s.
2. Career Best: .341/.408/.474 line in 1991 was his Texas career high, and 2 years of 27 and 2 years of 31 doubles in 5 seasons (talk about consistency, eh?).
3. Summary: Not necessarily his best stretch of offensive output, but really, there's not much competition in Texas (Soriano was only there for 2 years, Mark McLemore and Ian Kinsler suck).

Third Base: Buddy Bell (R)
1. Highlights: 4 time All Star and 6 straight Gold Gloves holding down 3rd in the late 70s.
2. Career Best: .329/.379/.428 line in 1980 were his best year in Texas, with 18 hrs and 101 RBI also a zenith of his performance there.
3. Summary: Second in a line of Bell baseball boys, he had a largely unremarkable tenure in Texas, but he strung together more solid seasons than Hank Blalock in his injury plagued run and had a more well rounded game than Dean Palmer.

Shortstop: Alex Rodriguez (R)
1. Highlights: He is number 6 on the Rangers all time HR chart, despite only spending 3 years here. Should say something about his performance here. These 3 years, though, are some of his best, and actually got an MVP in his last year there for the 2003 Rangers, even though they finished in last place.
2. Career Best: .318/.399/.622 were his highs for this period, achieved in 2001. Hit 57 hrs and 142 RBI in 2002. Silver Slugger and All Star all three seasons.
3. Summary: While I still have lingering anger over the manner in which A-Rod so summarily left a generous Seattle behind, he got what he deserved in Texas. Meaning, accolades he could pile on his significant mantle to be polished every October.

Outfield: Juan Gonzalez (R)
1. Highlights: Two time MVP, two-time Ranger (89-99, 2002-03), hit 40+ hrs 5 times. Clearly the best hitter in Texas history given the duration of his stay and sheer magnitude of his stats.
2. Career Best: 169 OPS+ in 1993 set a career high, and his 157 RBI was the third highest total in the 1990s (behind Manny Ramirez and Sammy Sosa).
3. Summary: Injuries plagued Juan Gone's career, but had he stayed healthy, he's a sure-fire Hall of Famer. He would have easily reached 500 HRs (ended up with 434), and his .295/.343/561 line is nothing to shake a stick at.

Outfield: Ruben Sierra (S)
1. Highlights: Another Ranger who came up through their system, flourished young and then went on to play for a ton of other teams, Sierra was quite the phenom in the late 80s and early 90s. Ups and downs through his early career, but stayed above .260 and around 20 hrs consistently, with some great up seasons.
2. Career Best: Definitely 1989, where he narrowly lost the MVP to Robin Yount back when the Brewers were in the AL. His .307/.357/.502 were career bests, and his 25 HR and 116 weren't bad either.
3. Summary: Strong start to a career that led him to 8 other teams, he'll probably be remembered more as a stop-gap than a force to be reckoned with, but he strung together a number of good years.

Outfield: Rusty Greer (L)
1. Highlights: Very under the radar player, but in the late 90s-early 00s, he put together some solid, though not flashy numbers.
2. Career Best: Three times over 100 runs, capped at 112 runs in 1997. His .321/.405/.531 in 1997 remains his most well rounded season.
3. Summary: Really, not much more to say here. Lifelong Ranger, he quietly did his job, and then like all old cowboys, quietly rode off into the sunset. Oh also, he appears to be destined for aristocracy, as his birth name is Thurman Clyde Greer III. Not bad...

Designated Hitter: Mark Teixiera (S)
1. Highlights: Ah, he of the strangely placed, strangely pronounced 'X'. What is it with my teams and the letter X? Foxx, Teix... I suppose I'll have to take the Red Sox and any team with a Felix (Seattle?). Teixiera exploded on the scene in 03, put up 4 good seasons and hit the road running to Atlanta to complete his Yankees audition.
2. Career Best: .301/.379/.575, 43 HR 116 RBI line in 2005 all set personal highs for him while in Texas. Consistently between 7 and 8 RC/G.
3. Summary: New York Yankees, meet your future First Baseman.

Pitchers: Charlie Hough, Nolan Ryan, Kenny Rogers, Ferguson Jenkins, Gaylord Perry Closer: John Wetteland
1. Highlights: Not many... Jenkins came in second in the Cy Young race in 1974, Nolan Ryan struck out 301 batters at the age of 42 (Ryan was 42... not 301 42 year olds...)
2. Career Best: Wins - Jenkins with 25 in 1974, Ks - Ryan with 301 in 1989, ERA was Jon Matlack with 2.27 in 1978. Saves - Francisco Cordero with 49 in 2004.
3. Summary: Pretty rough... 3 Hall of Famers, but all at the tail end of their careers. While the offense had some spark, this pitching staff was not one to overpower.

Bench: Will Clark, Michael Young, Alfonso Soriano, Dean Palmer, Jim Sundberg (wow... backup catcher doesn't get much lower than this...)

Bullpen: Francisco Cordero, Tom Henke, Jeff Russell, Bobby Witt, Kevin Brown

Batting Order:
1. Franco (R)
2. Greer (L)
3. Rodriguez (R)
4. Gonzalez (R)
5. Palmeiro (L)
6. Teixiera (S)
7. Rodriguez (R)
8. Sierra (S)
9. Bell (R)

Conclusion: What to say about the former employees of our esteemed President? They were forced to leave Washington in disgrace because of the young upstarts up the road. They've lived out the rest of their days in relative obscurity, occasionally coming to the surface with efforts to redeem themselves, only to be bounced back into the cellar by glaring weaknesses. Yeah, the Rangers past history are about what I predict their former boss's future to be...

The All-Time New York Yankees

2008-06-25T03:07:00.009-04:00

Catcher: YOGI BERRA

1. Highlights: Three MVP's, fifteen straight All Star appearances, ten straight years with twenty or more HR's, lead the league in most AB's per strikeout in 1950.

2. Career Best: Yogi's two best seasons,1950 and 1956, were before his first MVP and after his last. 1950 stands out: 151 G (as a catcher!), 116 RS, 192 H, 30 2B, 28 HR, 124 RBI, .322 BA, .383 OBP, .533 SLG, 318 TB, and the aforementioned least K's per AB's.

3. Summary: Was Bench better? Conventional wisdom says yes, yet Yogi leads Bench in every single offensive category except HR. Bench was a better catcher but an examination of the numbers says not by much; part of Bench's legendary defense behind the plate seems to stem from his height. Bench was to the catcher position what Ripkin would be to the Shortstop position. Although Berra does lead in every offensive category, and Bench in most defensive categories, the difference is often so close as to be negligible. Except in career strike-outs: Berra: 414, and Bench:1278. I'm taking Berra.

First Base: LOU GEHRIG

1. Highlights: Won the Triple Crown in 1934, two time MVP, played in the first six All-Star Games, led the majors in OBP five times, led the majors in SLG twice, led the majors in RS four times, led the majors in TB four times, led the majors in RBI five times, led the majors in HR three times, led the majors in BB three times, led the league in Extra Base Hits four times, led the majors in 2B twice, led the majors in triples, hits and BA once.

He also played in a record 2,130 consecutive games, later broken by Cal Ripkin. He only had more than eighty strike-outs once in his long career. Thirteen straight years with more than one hundred RS. Had two hundred hits eight times. Had double digits in doubles, triples, and homers seven straight seasons. Thirteen straight seasons with over 110 RBI. Had one season over 180 RBI, three over 170 RBI, and seven over 160 RBI. Thirteen straight seasons with an OBP over .400. Fifteen straight seasons with a SLG over .500, with nine seasons over .600, and three seasons over .700 topping out at a whopping .765 in 1927. Twelve straight seasons hitting .300 or better with a high of .379 in 1930; beating his back to back seasons of 1927 and 1928 when Gehrig hit .373, and .374 .

Lou Gehrig is best remembered for delivering one of the greatest public speeches in American history.

2. Career Best: In 1927 Lou Gehrig had 218 hits, 52 doubles, 18 triples, 175 runs batted in, 47 home runs, a .371 batting average, a .474 on base percentage, and a .765 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: The greatest First Baseman who ever lived.

Second Base: TONY LAZZERI

1. Highlights: Hit .300 five times and had a SLG over .500 three times. Five seasons with double digits in doubles, triples, and home runs. Seven 100 RBI seaons.

2. Career Best: 1929- 101 runs scored, 193 hits, 37 doubles, 11 triples, 18 home runs, a .354 batting average, a .429 on base percentage, and a .561 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: Is in the Hall Of Fame and probably doesn't deserve to be there.

Third Base: ALEX RODRIGUEZ

1. Highlights: Two time MVP, five time All-Star, led the league in slugging three times, led the league in runs scored twice, led the league in home runs twice, and led the league in RBI once. Five straight years with at least 100 runs scored, 20 doubles, 30 home runs, 100 RBI, and a .500 SLG.

2. Career Best: 2007- 143 runs scored, 31 doubles, 54 home runs, 156 runs batted in, 24 stolen bases, a .314 batting average, a .422 on base percentage, and a .645 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: We should've known when the reports came out last year that he was hanging around Pete Rose. And by the way the man CHOSE to wear the number 13. Alex you always seemed to think you were above the constraints of mortal men. To quote Bob Dylan "Temporary Like Achilles".

Shortstop: DEREK JETER

1. Highlights: Eleven years with 100 runs scored, six years with over 200 hits, 25 doubles or more every year of his career, double digits in home runs and stolen bases every year of his career, hit .300 or better ten times while never hitting below .291 in his career, led the league in runs scored and hits, Rookie of the Year, All-Star MVP, and World Series MVP.

2. Career Best: 1999- 134 runs scored, 219 hits, 37 doubles, 24 home runs, 102 runs batted in, a .349 batting average, a .438 on base percentage, and a .552 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: With all the scandals around baseball Mr. Cool looks better, and better.

Outfield: BABE RUTH

1. Highlights: 1 MVP, 2 All-Star games, 1 batting title, in ten World Series games hit .326 .467 .744, led the league in OBP 9 times, led the league in SLG eleven straight years, led the league in RS seven straight years, led the league in HR ten years, led the league in RBI five years, and led the league in OPS eleven straight years. In fourteen years hit under .300 twice.

Hit over .350 eight times, and over .370 six times. Hit over 40 home runs eleven times, and over 50 four times. 13 one hundred RBI seasons. 16 seasons with an OBP over .400, and five seasons over .500. 15 seasons with a SLG over .500, 12 seasons over .600, 9 seasons over .700, and 2 seasons over .800. Broke the single season home run record four separate times. When Ruth hit 54 home runs in 1920 the next closest man, George Sisler, hit 19.

2. Career Best: Although popular with fans baseball people of his time had an ambivalent relationship with Ruth. His only MVP season came in 1923 when he hit .393; representing the old-timers idea of a great ball player as opposed to his greater power years.

His best year to me, and his numbers make it a matter of taste, is 1921. Ruth scored 177 runs, had 204 hits, 44 doubles, 16 triples, 59 home runs, 171 runs batted in, a .378 batting average, a .512 on base percentage, and a .846 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: Is Ruth the greatest ever? Tough to say. He never played in an integrated league. By comparison, Williams missed years in the wars, and played in an integrated league part of his career. Bonds used P.E.D.'s. No one else should really be in the conversation.
Could he play in today's game? Of course he could and he'd be a Hall of Famer; as a left handed starter.

Outfield: MICKEY MANTLE

1. Highlights: A Triple Crown, led the league in triples in 1955, 16 time All-Star, 3 time MVP, led the league in runs 6 times, led the league in HR and SLG 4 times a piece, led the league in OBP 3 times. Had an OPS over 1.000 eight separate times. All time leader for switch hitters in OBP, OPS, and Home Runs.

2. Career Best: 1956, Mantle's first MVP season-132 runs scored, 22 doubles, 52 home runs, .353 batting average, .464 on base percentage, .705 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: Admitted to getting drunk with Billy Martin before many ball games. The main reason the Yanks traded Billy away. How do you think that would go over these days? And why isn't it brought up when the Mick's legacy is discussed? When he needed a liver transplant after destroying his own with decades of alcoholism, NYC unethically and disgustingly moved him to the top of the recipient list. Rarely gets mentioned either. Some guys are just born with Halos. My Father's favorite player.

Outfield: JOE DIMAGGIO

1. Highlights: 13 time All-Star, 3 time MVP, led the league in triples, and led the league in AVG, SLG, HR, and RBI two times a piece. Eight seasons with double digits in doubles, triples and home runs. Nine 100 RBI seasons. Seven 30 HR seasons. In 13 seasons batted under .300, and slugged under .500 only twice a piece. Hit safely in 56 straight games.

2. Career Best: This was tough. Joe routinely missed twenty games to injury, give or take, almost every year of his career. I'm going with one of only three years he played close to a full season:1937- 151 runs scored, 215 hits, 35 doubles, 15 triples, 46 home runs, 167 runs batted in, a .346 batting average, a .412 on base percentage, and a .673 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: Another Halo guy. The amount of doubles and triples tells you how well he ran the bases. Strangely he only had 30 steals in his career, which is more of an era thing, as the stolen base almost died in the thirties and forties. Only played five years in an integrated league and lost three prime years to WWII. Married Marilyn Monroe when it meant something. Immortalized in prose and song by Hemingway, and Paul Simon respectively.

Designated Hitter: ROGER MARIS

1. Highlights: 2 straight MVP's, 3 straight All-Star games, 3 straight 30 HR, 100 RBI seasons. Broke the unbreakable Babe Ruth's single season home run record.

2. Career Best: 1961- 132 runs scored, 61 home runs, 142 runs batted in, a .269 batting average, a .372 on base percentage, and a .620 slugging percentage.

3. Summary: All through 1961, Baseball Managers chose to pitch around Mantle, and go after Maris. Roger made them pay all year long. No one wanted Maris to be the one to break the Babe's record; seemingly even himself at times. But he did it, and no amount of Halo induced vitriol or P.E.D. inflated numbers can ever take that away from him. Good for you, Roger.

PITCHERS: Whitey Ford, Jack Chesbro, Lefty Gomez, Ron Guidry, Bob Shawkey, Mariano Rivera, Goose Gossage

1. Highlights: Guidry's 1.74 ERA, 248 strikeouts, 9 shutouts, and .208 ERA+. Chesbro's 451 innings pitched, 48 complete games, 41 wins and 0.937 WHIP. Mo Rivera's 53 saves.

2. Career Best:
Whitey Ford's 1964- 244 IP, 17-6 record, 8 shutouts, 12 complete games, 172 strikeouts, 2.13 ERA, 1.099 WHIP, 170 ERA+.

Jack Chesbro's 1904- 454 IP, 41-12 record, 6 shutouts, 48 complete games, 239 strikeouts, 1.82 ERA, 0.937 WHIP, 148 ERA+.

Lefty Gomez's 1937- 278 IP, 21-11 record, 6 shutouts, 25 complete games, 194 strikeouts, 2.33 ERA, 1.171 WHIP, 191 ERA+.

Ron Guidry's 1978- 273 IP, 25-3 record, 9 shutouts, 16 complete games, 248 strikeouts, 1.74 ERA, 0.946 WHIP, 208 ERA+.

Bob Shawkey's 1920- 267 IP, 20-13 record, 5 shutouts, 20 complete games, 126 strikeouts, 2.45 ERA, 1.237 WHIP, 156 ERA+.

Goose Gossage's 1978- 134 IP, 27 saves, 122 strikeouts, 2.01 ERA, 1.087 WHIP, 180 ERA+.

Mariana Rivera's 2008- 70 IP, 39 saves, 77 strikeouts, 1.40 ERA, 0.665 WHIP, 317 ERA+.

3. Summary: Doesn't match up to the lineup. Best All Time Bullpen though.

BENCH: Bernie Williams, Don Mattingly, Bill Dickey, Joe Gordon, Reggie Jackson

BULLPEN: Waite Hoyt, Red Ruffing, Dave Righetti, Fritz Peterson, Mel Stottlemyre.

Batting Order:
1.Jeter-R
2.DiMaggio-R
3.Ruth-L
4.Mantle-S
5.Gehrig-L
6.Rodriguez-R
7.Berra-L
8.Maris-L
9.Lazzeri-R

Conclusion: The lineup includes possibly the best player ever (Ruth), the best First baseman ever (Gehrig), the future Home Run King at 3rd base (A-Rod), probably the best catcher ever(Berra), the best switch hitter ever (Mantle), and a guy with a 56 game hitting streak (DiMaggio). It also holds two players to hold the single season home run record. Six MVP's and eight Hall of Famers in the lineup. Two MVP's and four Hall of Famer's on the bench. They are the Yankees.

The Washington Senators All-Time Team

2008-06-23T13:40:00.014-04:00

The best line I came across about the Washington Senators also pretty much sums up their entire existence, and I'm quoting from baseball-reference.com: "The Senators were officially the Washington Nationals from 1905-1955, but the fans never recognized them as such". I mean how bad does your Baseball team have to be for the fans to give you the most derogatory nickname they can think of: The Senators.

The Senators were declared cursed beyond repair in 1960 and moved to Minnesota in an effort to increase the misery of that glacial alcove overlooking the frozen hells.

To everyones surprise, nostalgia crept into peoples hearts over the lost Senators; with their lone World Series win and their lone All-Timer Walter Johnson. That "nostalgia" was fueled by MLB's attempt "to stave off threats of lifting its antitrust exemption" by enraged members of Congress, who needed something to do instead of going to work. So even though the new team was called the Senators, played in the same division, and didn't miss a season, they were considered a new Washington Senators franchise. But they played just like the old Senators: god awful.

By the time the Senators left for good in 1971, the Country had moved on, and baseball had become a little square. The real Congressmen and Senators, who needed something to do instead of going to work, were spending all their time these days in the illegal casinos and strip-clubs. Nobody cared when the new Senators moved to Texas of all places. Without this move, which in the future would allow George W. Bush to hold a can't miss executive job, their wouldn't have been a Cheney Presidency. Go Senators.

Catcher:MUDDY RUEL

1. Highlights: Three straight .400 OBP seasons.

2. Career Best: .316 AVG, .411 OBP, .389 SLG. 1 HR--You read that right. Hey. it's the Senators.

3. Summary: Started with the Yanks, but they had some guy named Dickey behind the plate. Decent defender behind the dish, and had a great eye at the plate.

First Base: JOE JUDGE

1. Highlights: Hit .300 or better nine of the fourteen full seasons he played for the Senators. Ten straight seasons with over twenty doubles.

2. Career Best: .333 AVG, .416 OBP in '20, and .509 SLG in '30. Hit ten HRs in '22, and '30.

3. Summary: Solid average hitter who played a lot: 15 straight seasons with over 100 games started. Did everything well except hit home runs; sort of a rich man's Sean Casey.

Second Base: BUDDY MYER

1. Highlights: 1935, a top twenty season for a second baseman: 115 RS, 215 Hits, 100 RBI, and career highs in AVG, and SLG.

2. Career Best: .349 AVG in '35, .454 OBP in '38, .468 SLG in '35. 38 doubles, and 16 triples in '32. 6 HRs in '38.

3. Summary: Just missed out on a lot of HOF magic numbers, but the guy's a second baseman who played 17 seasons and retired with over a .300 AVG. He's a borderline Hall of Famer if there ever was one.

Third Base: BUDDY LEWIS

1. Highlights: Hit double digit doubles, triples, and home runs in '39. Scored 100 runs four times.

2. Career Best:.333 AVG, and .423 OBP in '45 ( only 69 ABs), .478 SLG in '39.

3. Summary: Short career and a crappy fielder. He did hit .300 almost half the seasons he played ( 4 out of 11). The second Buddy on this list in what was an occasional Buddy to Buddy start of a double play: insert joke here.

Shortstop: CECIL TRAVIS

1. Highlights: In 1941, Travis poster career highs in every major category except stolen bases. He went to The War the next year. When he came back, Travis was a shell of the player he was before, and ended up retiring two years later. A lot of guys during the forties could say the same.

2. Career Best: .359 AVG, .410 OBP, .520 SLG, 106 RS, 218 H, 39 Doubles, 19 Triples, and 101 RBIs all in 1941.

3. Summary: Played in the era where everybody's AVG was through the roof, but still the guy hit over .300 for his career. He was shipped over to Europe during The War, where he got frostbite on two of his toes. If he hadn't left for WWII he might have made a HOF push who knows. He did have more hits than anybody in '41, including Ted and Joe.

Outfield: GOOSE GOSLIN

1. Highlights: Won the batting title in '28 hitting .379. His RC/G that year was a 10.9, a massive number. Had a OPS+ number over 100 for 16 straight years. Hit over .300 for seven straight years. Had double digits in doubles, triples, and home runs, for five straight years. Also had over 100 RBIs, and over a .500 SLG for five straight years.

2. Career Best: .379 AVG, .442 OBP, and .614 SLG, all in '28. 37 doubles in '27. 20 triples in '25

3. Summary: A Hall of Famer and deserves to be. Another guy who seems to do everything on a baseball diamond well. Did he put up his numbers during one of the high water marks for offense? He did. Could he play today? He'd be an All-Star.

Outfield: HEINIE MANUSH

1. Highlights: Won the batting title in '26, and came in second twice, and third twice, mostly with Detroit. Four straight years with over 30 doubles (41, 41, 32, 42), over 10 triples, and over a .300 AVG with the Senators.

2. Career Best: .349 AVG, .392 OBP, and .523 SLG in '34. Had some years in Detroit that were bigger.

3. Summary: A Hall of Famer, he was traded for Goose Goslin in '36 in the rare HOF swap. Aged a little better than Goslin. Goslin had the better years.

Outfield: ROY SIEVERS

1. Highlights: 6 straight years with 20 or more HRs ( in Griffith Park that's something). Hit 42 Hr in '57.

2. Career Best: .301 AVG, .388 OBP and .579 SLG in '57. '27 doubles in '56.

3. Summary: The year Sievers hit 42 HRs the Senators pulled the left field fence in to 350 feet, turning what had been the ultimate pitchers park (until Petco) into a righty power park. If they'd done it sooner, or left it there for more than a year, Sievers is probably a HOF with 500 HRs. He's the only Senator to ever have 27 or more HRs in a season.

Designated Hitter: MICKEY VERNON

1. Highlights: When he made the bigs he was the youngest player in the majors. When he retired he was the oldest player. He played 20 seasons even though he missed another two to WWII! In '53 he had over 200 hits, 100 runs, and 100 RBIs. Hit over 27 doubles every year, his first ten years with the Senators. Never struck out more than 66 times in any of his twenty seasons.

2. Career Best: .353 AVG in '46, .403 OBP twice ('46 and '53: also .403 with Boston one year. Crazy), .518 SLG '53. 14 Triples and 24 HRs in '54. 51 doubles in '46.

3. Summary: The man loved to play baseball. Debuted in '39 and the son of a gun is still kicking. Good for you Mickey.

Pitchers: WALTER JOHNSON, DUTCH LEONARD, GEORGE MOGRIDGE, TOM ZACHARY, FIRPO MARBERRY

1. Highlights: Walter Johnson: ERA+ season 259, ERA+ career 147, SHO season 11, SHO career 110, complete games season 38, complete games career 531, SO season 313, SO career 3509, innings season 371, innings career 5914, WHIP season 0.780, WHIP career 1.061, Wins season 36, Wins career 417, ERA season 1.14, ERA career 2.17.

2. Career Best: see above

3. Summary: There are some good starters besides Walter, but nothing special. But Walter takes this staff to another level.

Bench: Rick Ferrell, Ossie Bluege, Joe Cronin, Eddie Yost, Joe Kuhel

Bullpen: Camilo Pascual, Bob Porterfield, Early Wynn, Case Patten, Bob Groom

Batting Order:

1. Myer-L
2. Travis-L
3. Goslin-L
4. Sievers-R
5. Manush-L
6. Vernon-L
7. Judge-L
8. Lewis-L
9. Ruel-R

Conclusion: Power challenged line-up but they could hit. Walter would give them a chance every time he pitched. They'd lose every game he didn't probably.

Montreal Expos / Washington Nationals All-Time Team

2008-06-22T12:38:00.018-04:00

Ah, our misunderstood French speaking friends to the north, how they lament the loss of their once great, well good, band of up and comers over a nice cool glass. not too cold mind you, of Kina Lillet.

Their loss is the Capital of Americas gain; in so much as the gutting of a competitive team and shipping it south to the swamps to play like woebegone triple AAA'ers in front of our lobbyist pampered Congress-people, can be a gain.

Catcher: GARY CARTER

1. Highlights: Out of the ten years Carter spent as the starting catcher only three had a fielding percentage under.990, and those three were, .985(his first year starting), and .989 twice. Started over 140 games behind the plate six times. 91 runs scored and 97 RBIs in '82.

2. Career Best: .294 AVG in '84, .381 OBP in '82, .525 SLG and 31 HRs in '77, and 37 doubles in '83.

3. Summary: Hall of Famer, played a ton behind the dish ( can't be over-stated),great balance of defense and plate production, a top five All-Time Catcher.

First Base: ANDRES GALARRAGA

1. Highlights: Breakout year of 1988, when he posted highs in runs, hits, doubles, triples, home runs, rbi, and stolen bases.

2. Career Best: .305 AVG, and .361 OBP both in '87. .540 SLG and 7.0 RC/G both in '88.

3. Summary: His best years were in Colorado, and Atlanta, with Coors Field, and possibly other factors, helping his performance. That '88 year is a great baseball year ( minus the over 100 strike-outs).

Second Base: JOSE VIDRO

1. Highlights: The 2000 season when he put up a top ten post-war offensive season by a second baseman: 101 runs scored, 200 Hits, 51 doubles, 97 RBI's.

2. Career Best: .330 AVG in '00, .397 OBP in '03, .540 SLG and 24 HRs in '00.

3. Summary: While with the Expos, Vidro was an offensive All-Star. Slow and only an average defender at best.

Third Base:TIM WALLACH

1. Highlights: '87 his only season with 100 RBIs(123) and a.500 SLG( .514).

2. Career Best: 89 runs twice ( in '82, and '87), 185 hits in '90, 42 doubles twicw ( in '87 and '89), 28 HRs in '82, .298 AVG, and a .343 OBP, and a.514 SLG in '87.

3. Summary: Really a bad fielder, this is actually a weak position for the Expos, and a above average offensive third base. He did make 5 All-Star teams.

Shortstop: ORLANDO CABRERA

1. Highlights: '01 Cabrera started all 162 games at Shortstop and posted a career best, as an Expo, .986 fielding percentage. Offensively '03 where he posted career highs in every offensive category except triples and RBIs.

2. Career Best: 47 doubles, 17 home runs, .297 AVG, .347 OBP, .460 SLG in '03

3. Summary: A little lacking defensively for a shortstop but above average offensively, Orlando is an above average player who has never made, nor deserved an All-Star spot.

Outfield: VLADIMIR GUERRERO

1. Highlights: There are more than a few, although his legacy needs at least one in October. Had over 10 outfield assists in every year, (7) he played for the Expos. Five straight years with over 100 R, 180 H, 100 RBI, 30 HR, .300 AVG, .550 SLG.

2. Career Best: 131 RBI in '99. 45 doubles in '01. 40 SB in '02. 11 triples, 44 homers, .345 AVG, .664 SLG in '00. .426 OBP in '03.

3. Summary: Just an amazingly talented athlete. Posted in career highs in different years for different categories, a tell-tale sign of a complete player. Hall of Fame numbers. Hall of Fame player.

Outfield: TIM RAINES

1. Highlights: Only had one season where he struck-out more than 70 times (83 Ks in '82) Six straight years with 70 or more steals, and 30 doubles. Seven straight years with a SLG over .400 from the lead-off position.

2. Career Best: .334 AVG in '86, .429 OBP and .526 SLG in '87. 38 doubles in 84. 13 triples in '85. 133 runs scored in '83. 194 hits in '86. 18 HR in '87.

3. Summary: Made six straight all-star teams and in my estimation, suffers in HOF consideration because he's a lead-off guy. Put the man in the Hall!

Outfield: ANDRE DAWSON

1. Highlights: Rookie of the Year in 1977. 12 years(10 with the Expos) with 20 or more doubles. 7 straight years with 20 or more steals. 16 straight years(10 with the Expos) with an OPS+ over 100. Came in second in the MVP voting in '81 even though he only played 103 games.

2. Career Best: .308 AVG in '80, .365 OBP and a .553 SLG in '81. 189 hits, and 32 HR in '83. 107 runs in '82. 113 RBI in '83.

3. Summary: People remember him as a Cubbie and he did win his MVP there, but the guy was an Expo. Don't those numbers seem small for The Hawk? He posted career highs in HR, RBI, and SLG that first year in Chicago, but otherwise his best years and numbers are all Canadian. And they seem small. Wasn't he regarded as one of the best hitters of the eighties? His outfield mate in Montreal, Raines, has better numbers; seems a better player in retrospect. Has baseball evaluation come this far that we can dismiss the consensus of the past? Dawson's numbers haven't aged well: never had 200 hits, only scored 100 runs twice, and then there's the OBP, just way to low for to be considered an elite player. He did play 100 games or more for 16 straight seasons where he sported an OPS+ of 100 or more. That's what he should hang his sabermatic hat on.

Designated Hitter: LARRY WALKER

1. Highlights: 44 doubles, 2 triples, and 19 home runs in 103 at bats his last year in Montreal: '94. That was the strike year. The Expos were in first place headed for at least a spot in the NLCS and Larry Walker could've hit another 6 doubles and 11 homers giving him a 50, 30 season; a Musial season. He'd have some in Colorado instead.

2. Career Best: .322 AVG, .394 OBP, .587 SLG all in '94 again. 23 HR in '92.

3. Summary: Larry is a little like DiMaggio in that he put up great numbers when he was healthy which wasn't much; a season here a season there. Both guys seemed like magnets for nagging injuries. When Larry Walker played he hit the ball as well as anybody, and better than most.

Pitchers: STEVE ROGERS, PEDRO MARTINEZ, DENNIS MARTINEZ, BILL GULLICKSON, BRYN SMITH--Closer: JOHN WETTELAND

1. Highlights: Well, Pedro in 1997: 1.90 ERA, 0.932 WHIP, 11.37 K/9, 305 total Ks, 219 ERA+. And the rest:

2. Career Best: Pedro's numbers above and Rogers 19 Wins in '82, Wetteland 43 SV in '93. Rogers 301.7 IP in 1977.

3. Summary: Pedro elevates this staff as he is a top twenty Starter in MLB history.

Bench: Moises Alou, Rondell White, Brian Schneider, Ryan Zimmerman, Marquis Grissom
Bullpen: Jeff Reardon, Javier Vazquez, Mel Rojas, Chad Cordero, Pascual Perez

Batting Order:
1. Raines-S
2. Vidro-S
3. Guerrero-R
4. Walker-L
5. Carter-R
6. Dawson-R
7. Galarraga-R
8. Cabrera-R
9. Wallach-R

Conclusion: Lots of righties. That's a pretty darn good outfield. Vlad's a HOF, and the other two are just miss guys( although Dawson's looking iffy-er). Rogers was a good starter and Pedro's Pedro. This team's better than you think.

All-Time Teams - Philadelphia/Kansas City/Oakland Athletics

2008-06-20T12:17:00.005-04:00

Today, we take a look at the Philadelphia/Kansas City/Oakland Athletics... Gotta love a team that really wanted to move all the way to the West Coast, but that just seemed to far to do at once. Who amongst us hasn't taken a breather in Kansas City?

Catcher: Mickey Cochrane
1. Highlights: MVP winner in 1928, where he put up .293/.395/.464 line. Though, to be fair, taking second that year was some dude called Heinie Manush. That name is just rough all over.
2. Career Best: three year stretch of batting better than .330 from 1929-31, hit 21 hrs and 112 RBI in 1932.
3. Summary: Hall of Famer, 5 times in the top 20 MVP voting, had an OPS+ over 100 in every year of his career but one (and that one was only a 98...).

First Base: Jimmie Foxx
1. Highlights: Hall of Famer who put up some ridiculous numbers in Philadelphia. 302 hrs as an Athletic, while sporting a .339/.440/.640 line in his time with the club. Career .640???? that's insane!
2. Career Best: Back-to-back MVP seasons in 1932 and 33, with a .364/.469/.749 line and 58 hrs, 169 RBI in 1932; .356/.449/.703 line and 48 hrs, 163 RBI in 1933.
3. Summary: Not much needs to be said... that 1932 seasons is one of the best seasons in baseball history, ranking up there with The Babe and Big-Head Bonds.

Second Base: Eddie Collins
1. Highlights: Hall of Famer who spent about half his career with the A's before becoming a member of what would be come the notorious 1919 Black Sox.
2. Career Best: MVP season in 1914, with a .344/.452/.452 line... weird to see an identical slugging and OBP number, eh.
3. Summary: Career .337 hitter for the A's, and really has no meaningful competition at this position.

Third Base: Eric Chavez
1. Highlights: He put up 4 straight 29+ HR seasons, with OPS+ over 125 each year in the early 2000s. In all, 7 straight 20HR seasons.
2. Career Best: 2001, where he had a sparkling .288/.338/.540 line with 32 HRs and 118 RBI, all while winning the Gold Glove for his defense at the hot corner.
3. Summary: This was a tough one, neck and neck between Chavez and Home Run Baker. It's just too hard to pick this one on offensive stats, as Chavez played in the steroids era and Baker in the deadball era. So I'll give a tip of the cap to defense here, as Chavez is a 6 time Gold Glove winner.

Shortstop: Miguel Tejada
1. Highlights: AL MVP in 2002, 3 straight 30+ HR seasons. Solid athlete
2. Career Best: 2002, Tejada amassed career highs with an impressive .308/.354/.508 line, 34 hrs and 131 RBI.
3. Summary: Solid player for his duration in Oakland, and like all good Oakland players, left when the A's decided they couldn't/wouldn't pay him anymore.

Outfield: Rickey Henderson
1. Highlights: Wow this guy was fast. Seriously. Played for Oakland in 4 separate stints over his career, finishing with over .400 OBP, almost 1300 runs, almost 1800 hits, and 867 stolen bases.
2. Career Best: 130 stolen bases in 1982 set a modern-day record for most in a season. Otherwise, one of his aberrent power seasons in 1990 was a career high, batting .325/.439/.577, 188 OPS+, 28 HRs and 65 SB. What a season.
3. Summary: Career leader in Runs and Stolen Bases, this man defined the leadoff position for the better part of 2 decades.

Outfield: Reggie Jackson
1. Highlights: Mr. October achieved a lot of his fame and fortune after leaving Oakland, but he cut his teeth in those wonderful Yellow and Green unis.
2. Career Best: As a 23 year old in 1969, he hit 47 hrs, 118 RBI and had an OPS+ of 189, all career highs. This coming one year after striking out 171 times in 553 AB.
3. Summary: 4 times in the top 5 for MVP voting while an A, winning in 1973. Generally, he was a quintessential power hitter - home run or strikeout, the occasional double off the wall. I'll take him for my outfield any day.

Outfield: Jose Canseco
1. Highlights: More well known as a Juicer... no wait, THE Juicer, Canseco put up some monster years early in his career, and like Rickey, couldn't stay away, playing for Oakland on 2 separate occasions.
2. Career Best: Baseball's first 40 hr - 40 SB man, he won the MVP in 1988 for his .307/.391/.569, 42 hr, 124 RBI, 40 SB season.
3. Summary: Rookie of the Year, 1988 MVP, 4 times in the top 20 MVP voting. Before his mouth and his ego got in the way, and before the steroids did their inevitable damage to him, he was a helluva ball player.

Designated Hitter: Mark McGwire
1. Highlights: Canseco's protege in Roids, this guy exploded onto the scene in 1987 with 49 HRs in his rookie season and rarely looked back.
2. Career Best: In 1996, he hit for power (52 hrs, 113 RBI), but actually kept his average above .300 for the first full season in his career, drawing 116 walks in teh process. Finished with an awesome .730 SLG.
3. Summary: Sure he was a roid monster, but he really didn't start looking too freakish til the end of his time in Oakland, and for 8 seasons, he consistently hit for power (30+ hr every season but one) and was generally a force to be reckoned with.

Pitchers: Rube Waddell, Eddie Plank, Lefty Grove, Catfish Hunter, Dave Stewart, Chief Bender, Tim Hudson, Closer: Dennis Eckersley
1. Highlights: Chief Bender put up a 23-5 record with a 1.58 ERA in 1910. Rube Waddell put up 349 K's in 1904, as he put up 39(?!) complete games.
2. Career Best: ERA: 1.30, Jack Coombs in 1910; WHIP: Catfish Hunter, 0.910 in 1972; K's: Waddell, 349 in 1904; Saves: 51, Dennis Eckersley in 1992.
3. Summary: It's a 107 year old franchise, for God's sake... I'll put up a 7 man rotation if i want. I mean, there are 4 hall of famers in there, Hunter dominated in the mid-70s, Stewart was in the top-5 Cy Young voting for 4 years straight, and Tim Hudson won over 70 percent of his decisions as an Athletic. Plus between Catfish and Eck, you got yourself two pretty sweet moustaches there...

Bench: Bob Johnson, Socks Seybold, Nap Lajoie (hit .420 one year... crazy!!), Terry Steinbach, Home Run Baker
Bullpen: Rollie Fingers, Eddie Americus Rommel, Rick Honeycutt, Bob Welch

Batting Order:
1. Henderson (R)
2. Collins (L)
3. Foxx (R)
4. McGwire (R)

5. Jackson (L)
6. Canseco (R)
7. Chavez (L)
8. Tejada (R)
9. Cochrane (L)

Conclusion: The A's are not much for depth at a few positions (C, 2b, SS), but they boast among the fastest and strongest lineups that I can think of. Not a weak link in there. And that pitching staff is pretty ridiculous too...

California/Anaheim/Los Angeles/Greater Southern California Angels All Time Team

2008-06-19T19:34:00.008-04:00

So I figured I'd start with my West Coast bias and plow through the AL West to start. First off are the Halo Havers, the Flying Fellow, the Winged Wonders, the Angels of Greater Los Angeles.

Catcher: Bengie Molina, who isn't great, but put up four solid seasons in his 6 w/ the Angels and benefits from no other good catchers in Angels' history.

First Base: Rod Carew, who was better in Minnesota, but had a good run and finished in the top 2 in AVG and OBP.

Second Base: Bobby Grich, who is in the top 10 of many offensive categories and was a 3 time All Star.

Third Base: Troy Glaus. Steroids or not, he had a few monster years there...\

Shortstop: Jim Fregosi - more popular perhaps for his managerial stint, but was a 5 time All Star and only marginal standout of a dull group.

Left Field: Garrett Anderson - Career-long Angel, stands with a .295/.325/.468 line and is near the top of almost every offensive category.

Centerfield: Vladimir Guerrero - man can flat out hit the ball.

Right Field: Tim Salmon - Standout among a few followers, near the top of all major categories, hit nearly 300 hrs.

Designated Hitter - Chili Davis... not just because his name is Chili, but mostly.

Bench: Jim Edmonds, Wally Joyner, Fred Lynn, Bob Boone (somebody's gotta be a backup catcher) and Brian Downing.

Pitching:

Starter - Nolan Ryan. Enough said.

Starter - Chuck Finley - 6 15+ win seasons, another 4 with 10 plus, career ERA under 3.70.

Starter - Dean Chance - only with the club for a few seasons, but that 1964 season is crazy good.

Starter - Frank Tanana - neck and neck with Langston, but had more solid seasons.

Starter - John Lackey - the brightest of a new crop of aces in Southern California.

Closer - Troy Percival - 300+ saves, great WHIP, H/9, BB/9. All-around stud.

Bullpen - Frankie Rodriguez, Scot Shields, Brendan Donnelly, and that's it. If we needed a couple long relievers, I'd throw in Langston and Blyleven (for the one really good year he had there).

Next up, we'll head north to the Oakland Athletics!

Baseball All-Timers--Tampa Bay Rays Edition

2008-06-19T17:34:00.014-04:00

So leading up to the All-Star game, and probably beyond, Zaqq and I have decided to rank the All-Time rosters for every Major League team.

Daunting task you say? Not for men with time on their hands, and Large Red-eyes at their disposal.

I figured start small, and who's smaller than the Tampa Bay Rays( not counting this year).

: )Fun Facts : ): The Rays have the worst franchise winning percentage in MLB history. They have never even had a .500 season. They are the only MLB team to never play in the postseason. These things are about to change.

Catcher: TOBY HALL
1.Highlights: four straight seasons with 20 doubles.
2.Career Bests: .287 AVG in '05, .315 OBP in '05, .380 SlG in '03, and a .992 fielding in '04.
3.Summary: Played three full seasons and part of another. Now a backup with the White Sox.

First Base: FRED McGRIFF
1.Highlights: Basically the '99 season where he posted highs of 32 HR, .310 AVG, .405 OBP, and .552 SLG.
2. Career Bests: The aforementioned stats plus a 33 doubles season in '98.
3. Summary: Nice coda to one of the nearest just missed Hall of Fame careers (493 HRs).

Second Base: MIGUEL CAIRO
1. Highlights: 28 stolen bases, and 18 doubles in 119 games in 2000.
2. Career Bests: .295 AVG, .335 OBP, and a .368 SLG all in '99. 26 doubles in '98.
3. Summary: Will be overtaken by Iwanmura after this year is over. Is currently batting second for one of the all-time stinker teams: the '08 Mariners.

Third Base: AUBREY HUFF
1. Highlights: a great 2003 season when he should have made the All-Star team (198 hits,47 doubles,3 triples,34 home runs,and 107 rbi's).
2.Career Bests: .313 AVG in '02, .367 OBP, and .555 SLG both in '03.
3.Summary: Solid player with an All-Star caliber season in there. Not a good fielder in any aspect, and now a full time DH.

Short Stop: JULIO LUGO
1. Highlights: Hit a career high 15 homers after coming over from Houston after 22 games in 2003.
2.Career Bests: .295 AVG,.362 OBP, and .403 SLG in 2005.
3.Summary: Not a very good player. For someone with his size, and defensive position you'd like to see more SBs and triples. SS is also a defensive position, and Lugo has never been a very good defensive player either. Currently stealing money from the Boston Red Sox.

Outfield: CARL CRAWFORD
1. Highlights: 4 seasons with over 50 SBs. 3 straight seasons with double digit doubles, triples, and home runs (and just missed a fourth by one triple).
2.Career Bests: .315 AVG, and a .355 OBP both in '07. .482 SLG in '06. 19 triples and 59 stolen bases in '04.
3.Summary: An All-Star Caliber player for four years running. At this point is the best Ray of all-time. Could start for any current MLB team.

Outfield: RANDY WINN
1. Highlights: Played a full season in 2002 after four straight shortened seasons.
2.Career Bests:.298 AVG in '02,.362 OBP in 2000,.461 SLG in '02.
3.Summary: Hurt a lot; a Tampa outfielders theme. The definition of an average everyday player, except for above average doubles numbers.

Outfield: ROCCO BALDELLI
1. Highlights: His first season in the majors he played start to finish. Because of injury has yet to do so again.
2.Career Bests: .289 AVG '03, .326 OBP in '03 and'04, .436 SLG in '04.
3.Summary: Until he got snake bit, was being called a poor man's Joe D. Now he's just a sad story, and may never play again.

Designated Hitter: JONNY GOMES
1.Highlights: '05 when his splits against righties and lefties were close to even. Since then he has sat a lot against the opposing teams best right-handers.
2.Career Bests: .282 AVG, .372 OBP, .534 SLG all in '05. 21 doubles, and 20 home runs in '06.
3.Summary: There were actually a lot of candidates here, but most of them only played one full season with the Rays. I'm thinking Canseco, and Pena ( Pena will be somewhere on this list after this season, as will BJ Upton, and the year after Evan Longoria.)

Pitchers: SCOTT KAZMIR, ROLANDO ARROJO, JAMES SHIELDS, VICTOR ZAMBRANO--Bullpen: Danny Baez

Highlights:Surprisingly Cuban defector Arrojo's 1998; also the inaugural season for the Rays. His '98 season as it ranks all-time for the Rays: 202 innings pitched is fourth, second in ERA but first in adjusted ERA, first in wins ( at only 14), and second in WHIP at 1.287.
2.Career Bests: ERA Scott Kazmir 3.48 '07, WHIP James Shields 1.107 '07, IP Tanyon Sturtze 224.0 '02, SO Scott Kazmir 239 '07, Saves Roberto Hernandez 43 '99.
3.Summary: Pathetic. ( 239 Ks is pretty good actually)

Bench: Greg Vaughn, John Flaherty, Travis Lee, Ben Grieve, Jorge Cantu.
Bullpen: Roberto Hernandez, Tanyon Sturtze, Joe Kennedy, Travis Harper, Edwin Jackson.

Batting Order:
1. Crawford-L
2. Baldelli-R
3. Huff-L
4. McGriff-L
5. Gomes-R
6. Winn-S
7. Lee-L
8. Cairo-R
9. Hall-R

Conclusion: Worst franchise in the history of baseball. That bullpen is so bad it wouldn't even be a good bullpen for the '08 AL East, much less an All-Time Roster!!!

But fret not Rays fans. You have a young team that is in the hunt for a playoff spot. And also the Nationals are out there to take over your ineptitude.

Quick Thoughts

2008-06-19T12:06:00.004-04:00

With zombie-like persistence, I return from the dead (undead?) to make a post... If I were a lesser person, I'd blame my lack of posts on the ubiquitousness of NBA playoff activity and my inability to follow that. But I'm not. I'm just lazy. There, I said it.

So I did not make BS's prediction come true - I did not get through a whole Lakers-Celtics game... However, I did catch the second half of Game 4, which was just ridiculous. Those Celtics just put on a clinic on how to play hoops. Felt great cause I do now and always had an irrational loathing/hatred of the Lakers. Probably stems from their constant dominance of my former sweethearts, the Sonics. But like the Sonics themselves, I've moved on from Seattle and basketball to the legal system... coincidence?

Baseball has managed to depress the hell out of me this year, and yet make me endlessly captivated. My Mariners are just unbelievably terrible. For the love, we have Jose Vidro(!!!) of all people batting 3rd! For a good summary of my thoughts on this, i suggest you look at two things. First, the fact that Vidro is currently in third to last place in the Major Frickin Leagues in OPS - trailing only Freddy Sanchez and Jason Bartlett. And second, go here http://ussmariner.com/2008/06/18/open-letter-to-mclaren-on-lineups/. Very eloquent pleading on behalf of the best Mariners blogger out there (well, both DMZ and Dave from USSMariner are great).

But the benefit of my Mariners sucking is that I can pay more attention to other teams. Like the seemingly plague infested Yankees - seriously, dude, is there something in the Yankee Stadium dugout that causes injuries? Maybe that Ortiz jersey in the new stadium is spreading some witch-like hex on all in the South Bronx that make upwards of 500,000 (surely every person in the South Bronx, right?)...

Or the DeeRays... I think it was their association with Beelzebub that was holding them back. Here's hoping they get the wild card. I think I may actually shit my pants if they win the division over the Sox, so I'll just root for the playoffs.

My prediction of DBacks over Injuns is looking questionable, due to the Indians abject failure to hit the ball. That pitching staff was looking ruhdonkulous for a while, but VMart and Hafner hitting a combined 4 hrs??? Who saw that coming? Cubbies are looking strong, but I fully expect a late season slide and Lou Piniella's head to literally explode somewhere between the dugout and second base, where he would have ripped out second base and actually eaten the whole damn thing. Highlights at 11!

And finally, early prediction for next year? Reds win the Central, Texas makes the playoffs (after making one or two big pitching pickups this off-season), Mariners still suck balls, the Rays mature and actually beat the Yanks and Sox outright, but the Yankees renew their bargain with the devil and, unlike the Rays, work it to their advantage and win the series. To be revisited...

Congrats Celtics

2008-06-18T01:07:00.007-04:00

In honor of a hugely satisfying, and entertaining finals, I present the all-time Celtics (and Lakers) teams.

CELTICS
PG: Bob Cousy
SG: John Havlicek
SF: Larry Bird
PF: Dave Cowens
C: Bill Russell

Bench:

Sam Jones
Paul Pierce
Kevin McHale
Reggie Lewis
Dennis Johnson
Robert Parish
Cedrick Maxwell

Great team with an all -time bench.

LAKERS
PG: Magic Johnson
SG: Jerry West
SF: Kobe Bryant
PF: Wilt Chamberlin
C: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Bench:
Shaquille O'Neil
Elgin Baylor
James Worthy
Norm Nixon
Gail Goodrich
Nick Van Exel
Bob McAdoo

Best first team by far of any NBA team. Best all-time bench as well but but not by much.

and one more for the hell of it.

76ers
PG: Allen Iverson
SG: Julius Erving (Dr.J)
SF: Charles Barkley
PF: Moses Malone
C: Wilt Chamberlin

A better starting five than Boston. Hell, you could make the case that this is the best starting five of all time. I'll tell you what, you'd better hit your first shot against this team because they are getting every rebound. Not a great defensive starting team.

Bench:
Hal Greer
Andrew Toney
Maurice Cheeks
Dolph Schayes
Billy Cunningham
Bobby Jones
Darryl Dawkins

Weaker bench than the Celt and Lakers. Still, they got three Hall of Famers on the pine.

NBA Finals Predictions

2008-06-05T18:32:00.002-04:00

First and foremost there's no way for this series to live up to the hype surrounding it. But it is still the most compelling finals match-up since the first Bulls/Jazz series. My predictions are always off, except when they aren't, but it decants my vintage to do it, so here goes.

Lakers win in game seven by eight points in a devastating body blow victory.

Gasol's offense will be the deciding factor in a Laker's title, but Kobe's late game heroics will win him the MVP.

Kevin Garnett will have at least one "Chris Webber" moment that will forever be referenced when discussing his career.

The best players in this series for the Lakers--Gasol, Kobe, Fisher, Vujacic, Odom.

The best players in this series for the Celtics--Pierce, KG, Rondo, Perkins, Posey.

The magnitude of the Lakers winning a game seven at the Boston Garden,while simultaneously Phil Jackson ties Red Aurbach for most finals won by a coach will end up being only surpassed in misery for Bostonians by the 86 WS, and the Patriots phoneing in the last game of their heretofore undefeated season and getting beaten by the NY Giants.

Neither team will make it back to the finals next year. The Celtics will be one year too old, and the addition of Andrew Bynum back to the line-up will create roster playing time issues, and bring the dysfunction back to the Lakers.

The highest rated game of the series will garner an 18 share; just a huge number for the NBA at this point.

Kobe will find a way to turn people off.

There will be a couple fabricated and overblown scuffles as the participants feel obligated to live up the chippy past of the rivalry.

Zaaq will almost watch an entire game, and will find himself with nostalgic feelings for NBA.

Quick Hits June Edition

2008-06-02T13:24:00.006-04:00

Things have been busy here, what with the witch burnings, and hop-scotch( not to mention the witch-scotch and hop burns ), so I thought "what a great time for some incomplete ideas"!

Big Brown will win the Belmont, becoming the first horse since Affirmed to win the Triple Crown.

Bad year for Cleavland so far. The Cavs sputtered against Boston and the Indians have quietly had one of the worst producing lineups in baseball. Lebron can go to the Nets but can the Indians get back with Balco?

Joba should be starting. I'm impressed with the Yanks thinking outside of the box; making the transition from reliever to starter without a minor league demotion.

Washington is the worst team in the majors and it is not even close. They might have the worst line-up, the worst starting pitching, and the worst bullpen in all of baseball. Quite the triple crown of infamy.

The Mariners should fire their GM. They are wasting the prime years of one of the most unique players in baseball history. If not, MLB should intervene and force Seattle to trade Ichiro to a contender.

I don't know who is winning the World Series this year, but I do know it won't be Boston.

Rasheed Wallace completely failed the Pistons in game 6 against Boston. Four points with one attempt to post-up the entire game: pathetic. They should trade him now while he still has value to someone like Washington, or Phoenix.

Paul Pierce is hard not to like. He is also very slow. Kobe drinks his milkshake.

San Antonio needs to get Duncan some inside help now. The way the Spurs are currently constructed he is their number one inside scorer, and rebounder, and defender. There has never been a team in the history of the NBA where a player has had to carry that kind of load inside, and go on to win a championship.

The Hornets need to sign a big free agent who can score or they're going backward next year. For all of the talk of David West being the most underrated player in the NBA, the playoffs proved why he's been an acquired taste: his lack of reliable scoring, even with the best point guard on the planet, Chris Paul, setting him up.

The Utah Jazz were a top four team this year, and just a unique group of players. They had a seven footer center, Okur, who wanted to be a two guard and shoot threes, an undersized power forward, Carlos Boozer-ridiculously listed at 6'9"-, who only posts up, and a point guard who's as strong as most forwards. Just a truly bizzaro line-up. I don't think they can ever win it all, unless they bring in Don Nelson(not happening) or get more conventional positionally.

The NHL is still dead. And by dead I mean buried and skeletal never to return. They get their dream match-up for this year's finals and no one cares. NBC carries the games and they got a better rating for their midnight poker series. Wow.

It's amazing how Kobe always find a way to undermine his own success. He's at the cusp of his first title without Shaq, he just won his first MVP, and what does he do? He gives an interview where he gets all pissy about being compared to MJ, and to top it off credits, the Laker's success this year to his ability to finally "instill my DNA into the rest of the team". And no, I didn't make that quote up. And yes, insert your prison jokes here. Or OJ jokes. I mean the possibilities are endless. Just a complete turd sniffer that guy.

The Rays are for real the Marlins are not. Look for Olson and Uggla to be traded after the All-Star break, and the Rays to make the playoffs. (Props to Zaaq for calling that)

Granted I'm a Boston-hater but the level of ESPN schilling ( no pun intended) for the Sox and especially the Pats has risen to Fox news levels. The main offenders are Karl Ravech and Peter Gammons; just the host of Baseball tonight and it's main commentator, but the whole network suffers from its isolated location as a broadcast site. Even Turner broadcasting in its heyday had enough minority viewpoints in Atlanta to give it a sense of jurisprudence. Not the backwater of Bristol, where clam chowder is used to baptise the inbred New Englanders leading to the inevitable dropped "r"'s in the speech patterns.

KG missing two free throws in game 6 when the verdict was still in doubt is just more evidence that his value is overblown. He is a top 100 player all time at best. He is not a top fifty player; no matter what happens the rest of these playoffs. He is one of the weakest Defensive Player of the Year award winners ever. Gasol will torch KG in the post, and if the refs come close to calling the games both ways, then Garnett will spend every game on the bench in foul trouble, or guarding Lamar Odom. A dubious honor for the reigning Defensive Player of the Year.

The Bulls take D. Rose first in the NBA draft. He's the right choice. And after the 2005 draft debacle, where the teams with the top two picks both passed on Chris Paul and Deron Williams (the two best point guards in the league already)just as the new no hand-checking rule switched the league from big man dominance to perimeter dominance; there's a chance, albeit small, that Chicago actually makes the right choice.

Clinton doesn't want and won't receive a Vice-President offer. And it won't matter.
Obama wins and she runs and wins for NY Governor in 2010.

John Edwards- Att. Gerneral, Joe Biden- Sec. of Defense, Bill Richardson Sec. of State,

and Kathleen Sebelius as Vice President.

You heard it here first, loudest.

NBA Playoffs--Boston Celtics Edition

2008-05-22T18:21:00.004-04:00

The NBA's not back, but it's on the right path for the first time since the early 90s. These playoffs have produced some solidly dramatic, if not terribly memorable moments.

This lack of a defining moment has been especially punctuated by the three game sevens played so far. Each of these clinching games has proven anticlimactic in their lack of competitiveness, and more unfortunately,they have been the worst played games of each respective series. Not exactly the perfect formula for grabbing the casual viewers who tend to tune in for elimination games.

Boston's performance in their two series has been underwhelming. Owners of the best record in the league, as well as the most homers in the media, the Celtics have now been exposed as an extremely limited, if not fatally flawed, offensive team. Their defense on the other hand has held up better in the playoffs, but only at home. Boston has always been the hardest place in the NBA for an opposing team to get a call, and this year is no different. But even the calls at home can't get them easy buckets. I can't remember a favorite that has had to work this hard to score. If they go on to win the title, they will undoubtedly be the most offensively limited team in my lifetime to win the title.

These Celtics remind me a lot of the mid-nineties Knicks; not a championship comparison, but not a slap in the face. Those Knicks are still respected as great, influential teams who played hard and never gave an inch. They could also be viewed as the best team of the nineties not to win it all; topping Barkley's '93 Suns, Brad Daugherty's '92 Cavaliers( the most underrated team of the nineties)Shaq's '95 Magic, Kemp's '96 Supersonics, and Malone's '97 Jazz.

Those Knicks, a better team than these Celtics in my mind, were ultimately betrayed by their inability to get easy baskets. Both teams had young emerging scorers at the point in Starks, and Rondo ( Starks was better), a Hall of Fame post player starting the down side of his career, yet still effective, and a fading All-Star shooter who has suddenly lost his range ( Rolando Blackman, and Ray Allen; basically a push).

Neither team runs well, outside of the one man-Starks, Rondo- break. Both teams' spacing is compromised by their shooter's (Blackman, Allen) post-season inability to knock down open shots. These roster flaws make it imperative for the HOF post player to take over every game, ala Hakeem. But unlike Hakeem(by far the best athlete of the bunch), Garnett and Ewing where 2 years too old to have that kind of domination in the tank anymore.

The Celtics do have Paul Pierce at the 3 whose high end potential is much higher than the Knicks with Anthony Mason( at least scoring wise, Mason was the better rebounder and passer, the defense is a push). But for the Knicks, Charles Oakley is head and shoulders above Kendrick Perkins; it's a country mile comparison.

The Knicks, with Doc Rivers, Greg Anthony, Hubert Davis, and Charles Smith had the much better bench. They also had the better coach, by another wide margin, in Pat Riley over the Celtics with Doc Rivers; no comparison.

If the Celtics want to make it to the finals, they will need Allen or Sam Cassell to knock down open shots. The Pistons will continue to pack it in the paint against Garnett's fade-aways, and Pierce's drives until they prove that they can be hurt by the shooters they're leaving open.

My prediction: Allen never gets it together. Cassell plays, but his minutes make Rondo less effective, resulting in a zero to negative impact. Garnett has his moments, but can't take over. Best chance-make the Finals after a tough game seven.
Worst chance-lose in five games to the Pistons with the final game a blow-out in Boston. Most likely-Lose in six games with the final game being decided by 5 point or less.

Well, Call, Premium--MLB in April '08 Part 2

2008-05-09T12:25:00.010-04:00

It could very well be the scotch induced dementia, but are the Cardinals, Marlins, and Twins in first place? Round two of the Depth Chart's MLB April retrospective, like all good second rounds, includes shots. Bartender's choice, and don't forget to pick up the tab (just as long as it's not Yukon Jack or Goldslagger).

The Jack Daniels Division: The official drink of Frank Sinatra. A respected brand around the world. One of the few brands of booze that is included in 100% of all bars. But hold on before you give your money to the hooker, Governor. How is Jack Daniels continuing it's great tradition into the 21rst century? By adding more water to the mix, lowering the revered power proof to 80 from 90, just to save a few dollars. Sure JD contends they're doing this to accommodate the laws in certain states that only allow for the sale of spirits at 80 proof or below. The problem is there are no such states, but JD continues to contend there are. Remind you of anybody?

So the next time you order a Jack and Coke, remember you're also acknowledging the existence of WMD's, and the smirking lies of corporate douche bags everywhere. So hop in your Ford Excursion and crack open a Busch Light!
Examples: Yankees, Braves, Dodgers, Mets. Highpoint: The Yankees refusing to trade Phil Hughes or Ian Kennedy for the best pitcher in baseball followed by the two rookies combining to leave an 0-6 in 11 starts, burning shit-bag at the front door of Yankee fans. Well done boys, well done.

The Cuervo Gold Division: I won't drink this shit. The "gold" color is from food coloring, not barrel aging, and it possess the minimum allowed amount of Agave (51%) to be considered Tequila at all! That being said, it's always around, relatively affordable, consistent in its gag-inducing aroma and flavor, and will fuck you down the river on an inner-tube laden with rabid wolverines. Examples: Astros, Blue Jays. Highpoint: The Jays cutting future hall of famer, and notoriously slow starter Frank Thomas. Still on the hook for 7 million of Frank's contract, the Jays got to see him sign for the minimum with Oakland and come within one at bat of hitting for the cycle. I'll need the salt and lime for this one, baby.

The Smirnoff Vodka Division: An absolute bargain(no pun intended). Better tasting than direct price rivals: Sky, Stoli,Absolute,Gordons, et all. A better history than any vodka on the market: the Smirnoffs were the official vodka maker's of the Czar, and were forced to flee to America during the Bolshevik revolution. Had the humbling distinction of marketing itself as "white whiskey" to avoid discrimination during the McCarthy years. Triple distilled and just as smooth as it's pricier rivals, Smirnoff Vodka is probably the best value to price ratio behind the bar, as evidenced by this NY Times review. Examples: Rays, Twins, A's, and Marlins. Highlight: The Rays go 15-12 with their number one pitcher(Kazmir)on the DL for the entire month.

The Patron Division: Over-priced, and over-hyped, but still an undeniable pleasure. There are much better Tequila's on the market, but if you want your date to drink some you'd better order Patron. Actually Patron is a perfect example of how far we come as Americans; fifteen years ago the same could be said of Cuervo Gold. Example: Cubs. Highlight: A sweep of a two game series with the Mets by a combined score of 15-2.

The Makers Mark Division Strong, full and rich in flavor, but maybe a trifle too unbalanced and hot. If Gene Hackman or Bette Davis were a Bourbon they'd be Makers Mark. Examples: Cardinals, Phillies, Angels. Highlight: Chase Utley leading the majors in home runs and trying to be the third Phillie in a row to win the MVP award (Howard, Rollins).

The Grey Goose Division: You can't escape it. It's way overpriced, is hated by bartenders everywhere(ridiculously heavy bottle), and paired with a Red Bull is the official drink of status-whores everywhere. It's possible that there has never been a bigger bandwagon liquor, or a greater market changing product. Just dominant out of nowhere. It makes me sick. Is it good Vodka? Yes it's good. Is it $50 a bottle good? My ass. Example: The Red Sox. Highlight: They go to Japan to start the season, a notorious April killer, have Big Pappi off to his worst start since he started taking HGH, have Schilling on the DL, and they STILL have the best record in the American League! The Horror...the horror...

Well, Call, Premium--MLB in April '08 Part One

2008-05-08T15:33:00.011-04:00

We at The Depth Chart are so besotted that we can only understand the world through booze metaphors. So let's take inventory of the first month of the Baseball season! (Remember to include broken bottles and buy-backs)

The Crystal Palace Gin Division:

OK so even good Gin is 3 part waste water, 2 part juniper berries, and 1 part human tears. If you're drinking well gin, then stop cooking your pork, and start running red lights; you'll get there faster(but not much). Examples--Padres, Rockies, and Nationals. Highlight: Trevor Hoffman blowing the save for Greg Maddux's 350th win, the baseball equivalent of puking on your dates feet when she's wearing flip-flops. Classy.

The Montezuma Tequila Division:

Here's just a small sampling of real on-line reviews of this hideous brew:

Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
Health hazard
by lirubis
Pros: Good for getting rid of pests around home
Cons: Oughta be banned from the market.
Just by hearing its "light tequila" definition makes me cry. But, hey....some people like this stuff and its up to them to bear the consequences.

Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
It makes me hurt!!
by dirknrolrgirl
Pros: cheap
Cons: horrible taste etc
This is the brand that a lot of restaurants use as their well tequila. It is horrible!!! I love margaritas and this stuff kills them. Not only does it not taste good, but it actually makes my ribs ache when I drink it. I know it sounds weird, but if...

Product Rating: Product Rating: 2.0
Bite Your Lip and Swallow
by GalloNero
Pros: Cheap
Cons: Tastes like Mexican Ass
This tequilla is the by far and away the dirtiest cheapest tequila I have ever had. When I picture a drunk drinking tequila, the image of a plastic bottle of Montezuma isn't far behind. Although it tastes like ass it is cheap. Let me reiterate. It is...

Enough said. Examples: Reds, Brewers, and Rangers. Highlight: Dusty Baker invents the term "Smart-Hacking" explaining, "walks aren't what you want from players hitting third through sixth". Reds off to worst start since...

The Ten High Bourbon Division: Hey, at least you know they had to age it in a barrel to call it bourbon; although tasting sites refer to its flavor as "heat, suede, and old nuts" and it's aroma as "cigar box, and paint" (you can't make this stuff up). Examples: Tigers, White Sox,and Mariners. Highlight: Seattle's 4 error game to welcome Bedard off the DL, or Detroit's 0-7 start to the season. Pick your turd.

The Aristocrat Vodka Division: It's Vodka for Christ sakes! How bad can it be? If you're young, on a budget, and recover quickly from acute aneurysms this is the brew for you!
Examples:Orioles,Pirates,and Giants. Highlight: Barry Zito 0-7, 6.95 ERA, 2008 salary $14,500,000. If he was a race horse he'd be dead by now.

The Triple-Sec Division: Hardly anything is expected of it. You're never going to drink it by itself. So hey, appreciate it for it's subtle contributions to your margaritas, and cosmos and not for the shitty medicinal after-taste. Example: Royals. Highlight: Zach Greinke-- 4 wins, and a 1.80 ERA.

Part Two Tomorrow...

Red Army vs. Red Army?

2008-04-25T14:38:00.003-04:00

Ok, admittedly this is way off the normal topics found in this blog, but I stumbled on this today and it actually made me giddy. I'm at work in a very quiet room filled with temps, temps that I'm allegedly supervising, and i really want to jump up, raise my hands in the air and yell, "BRILLIANT!!!"

What is this piece of wondrousness that I read today? Strangely enough, it's the synopsis of an upcoming video game release. Now, I'm not necessarily a video game guy - I haven't owned a video game console since the Super Nintendo. I am, however, a rather accomplished video game mooch, and have been known to take over friends' systems and monopolize all gaming usage. I do have a significant number of games for my computer, but since my computer is always near the bottom of the technological spectrum (and because I can't bring myself to spend more than 30 bucks on a video game), I'm limited to buying video games from a year or 2 prior to the present time.

I offer this prologue to say that, while not a huge gaming nerd, I can get into a game from time to time. I was known on a few occasions in law school to put in the 8-10 video gaming day trying (and succeeding) to complete Metal Gear Solid 2. I am currently pretty hooked on The Godfather (the GTA version of the Coppola Movie). I've ravaged most of the versions of Sim City, Civilization, Age of Empires, and many of the earlier versions of the Command & Conquer series.

But nothing prepared me for this joyous new game - Stalin vs. Martians. I'm not joking - that's the name of the game. The Red Army versus an Army from the Red Planet!!!! How fantastic is this!!?!! I guess the game takes the position that the Martians decided to invade Siberia in 1942. Setting aside the outstanding political and historical implications of this (who do we side with? Do we let the Martians destroy the Soviets with the hopes that they continue across Europe and destroy the Germans? What are the implications of 3 two-front wars simultaineously? Do the Martians head East after their obvious crushing of the Soviets and take out the Chinese and Japanese as well?), this is just a brilliant concept for a game.

I'm almost hesitant to look at this website for further information, cause it can't possibly live up to the title, but if you're interested: http://www.dreamloregames.com/stalin/.

Daniel and Steven, you may be looking at your Christmas present!

2008 NBA Regular Season Awards Part Two

2008-04-21T00:19:00.006-04:00

I was flipping channels after the late playoff game last night and had one lingering question: is it possible to watch Basic Cable after 11pm, and not see Girls Gone Wild commercials, and who are these Ho's? This is the question that burns the mind ( and other body parts ). As if I needed another reason to keep my Fatherless streak going.

But I digress; on to Part Two of the 2008 NBA Regular Season Awards.

The Rasputin, We're Really Gonna Have To Get Our Hands Dirty To Get Rid Of This Guy Award: Isiah Thomas. He lasted the entire season. It's the equivalent of a Bakery leaving a moldy piece of bread for sale the entire year, before finally giving up and throwing it away. Meanwhile the moldy bread has giving new meaning to the word disgusting, and turned off everyone who used to love the Bakery. What a legacy for a Hall of Famer. He's lucky he's getting out now, because he's bordering on O.J. territory.

The Robert Downey Jr, Flashes of Brilliance, Unfulfilled Expectations Award: Rasheed Wallace. He's got the size, athletic ability, and skill to not only be a hall of famer, but also one of the top 50 players of all time. He averaged 12 points and seven rebounds this year. Having followed his career in college, I can pinpoint when his lack of desire began. He was the #1 player coming out of High School going to a historic college program(UNC) returning all but one of it's top ten players. The Tarheels were coming off a National Championship, but from the moment Wallace stepped on the court at the Dean Dome he was the best player on the team, which was nothing new for him. It had been that way his entire life. He spent his entire Freshman year, alon with fellow Freshmen and future NBA players Jerry Stackhouse, and Jeff McGinnis, ruining any chance UNC from repeating as Champion, by pouting and chafing at playing time. He almost seemed happy when UNC lost in the tournament that year, because now that the Senior center starting ahead of him, Eric Montross, would be graduating it was "Rasheed's time". Instead, when UNC played Wake Forest the next year Rasheed ran into Tim Duncan. The were the same age, the same year in school, and nobody had heard of Duncan yet. He thoroughly destroyed Wallace both times they played. Rasheed had never been outplayed by another center well, and instead of rising to face the challenge, he went the other way. If he couldn't be number one why bother. Rasheed turned Pro that summer and has been frustrating owners,coaches, teammates, and fans ever since. But as Rasheed has said, he only plays for the paycheck.

The Colin Powell, Why Don't People Realize He's A Douche Bag Award

Jason Kidd. Currently in the process of slitting Avery Johnson's throat. Really, the guy's the worst coach killer in my lifetime; literally every stop he's made he's assianated the guy in the tie. Kidd's also notorious for glaring at teammates who ever drop one of his "perfect" passes. At the same time, he has NEVER worked on his shooting and is the worst brick-layer of any ALL-Star guard ever. It's not even close. He goes 2-14 and is giving his teammates dirty looks? Douche bag.

The Larry Bird, Best White Guy Award: Dirk Nowitzki. We could quibble over whether he should be considered foreign or white. But if we limit this award to native born crackers, that leaves us with Mike Dunleavy Jr as the choice for this award. And nobody wants that.

The Barak Obama, Making The Jump To Superstar Award: Chris Paul. This is really his year. From overlooked last year to first team NBA, a second place finish at worst in the MVP voting, and leading his team to 2nd place in the West? He's an all-timer ladies and gentleman.

The Nikola Tesla, Under appreciated Genius Award: Gregg Popovich. Three championships in the past five years and four in his career, Pop. is also extremely pale, has bad skin, bad teeth, and a receding hairline. Thank God he can coach.

The El Duque, Wait How Old Is That Guy Award: Dikembe Mutombo. 41 years old (he says), and started 25 games. If I'm able to watch NBA games at 41, I'll be happy.

The Daniel Plainview, "I Drink Your Milkshake" Award
Goes to Mitch Kupchak, General Manager of the LA Lakers, for pulling off the Pau Gasol deal;the greatest horns-waggle of a trade since LA, coincidentally, dealt four nobodies for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

NBA Regular Season Awards Part One

2008-04-17T22:45:00.009-04:00

I'm not quite as sold on this NBA season being "the best since '93" or any of the other platitudes being thrown around. There has been an abundance of great individual performers this year, and some eye catching trades. But it's a little sad when over half the teams in the league didn't tank the final forty games of the season for the first time in a decade, and the public is supposed to stand up and take notice.

The NBA boasts more poorly run franchise than any other sport in America; including Hockey and "Pro" Soccer. It's a shame because the NBA also claims at least a third if not half of all the elite athletes in America, as well as the elite over 6'4" athletes from the entire planet. Just a ridiculous failure by the owners, otherwise successful business people, to serve what is a municipal trust. Maybe that's the problem, the sport is run by Men whose recipe for success is serving themselves, and the public obligation of owning a sport franchise is incompatible with their top-hat-monocled Monopoly character capitalist core. I could delve deeper into why this is a basketball problem more than other sports leagues, but I'll save it for another column.

All in all though, It's been a season to build on. For the first time in a decade, there is a real feeling that with the age limit on players working and likely to be increased, the new no-hand-checking rules opening up the game, and the Ambivalence All-Stars of the mid to late nineties fading away and retiring ( another column unto itself )better things lie ahead for the league. So without anymore grousing the First Annual Depth Chart NBA Regular Season Awards.

The Albert Belle, Unceremonious Exit Award: Goes to Chris(Gimme a Time-Out)Webber. Hailed as the greatest big man of his generation, he ended up with a lesser career than Jack Sikma. Also an inaugural member of the Max-Contract-Hide From the Big Shot All Stars. He also famously dated Tyra Banks, possibly contributing to her dementia.

The Dan Foutes, All Offense, No Defense Award: Allen Iverson. Who else? The most telling of an abundance of stats: averages less than 2 fouls a game. How can you average less than two fouls ( 1.3 to be exact)and play any semblance of defense? You just can't.

The Gary Hart, Career Self-Saboteur Award: Stephon (Truck Party) Marbury wins, and wins big (a rarity for him). In theory, he's won this award every year of his career; although this is the first year of the award's existence. After his retirement surely this award will be named after him.

The Adlai Stevenson, Uninspiring Greatness Award: Tim Duncan. Pass.

The Barry Sanders, I-Hate-My-Teammates Award: Lebron. Chalk it up to his going straight from high school to stardom,but I've never seen a star player show his displeasure in such a childish fashion. Beyond his constant nail-biting on the bench, He's "The King" of the Marty Feldman eye-rolling.

The Jessica Alba, I'll Do Anything To Play With You Award: This award maybe unfairly favors point guards, but only recently. This years winner is Chris Paul, overtaking the likes of Steve Nash, who overtook Jason Kidd. So congrats. Dallas, you traded for J-Kidd 5 years too late! On the bright side, Texas seems to be the home base for recently divorced, on the downside of their careers athletes. So at least Jason will benifit from some southern-upskirt-hospitality. But really Chris Paul has been fabulous this year. His teammates love him, and guys are lining up to sign contracts for less money than they could get elsewhere just to suit up with the guy. Paul's nickname on the other hand sucks: CP3. Lame.

The Kofi Annan, "Come Again?" Award: Goes to Andre Iguodala. Yes, Andre Iguodala has led the 76ers to the playoffs. You heard that right: Andre Iguodala.

The Ben Grieve, On-Second-Thought-Can-We-Have-A-Do-Over-On-The-Rookie-Of-The-Year-Award Award:
And the winner is Al Horford. Al is destined for the Joe Smith career average of 11 points 6 rebounds. You have been warned.

The Isiah Thomas, The Only way I Could Alienate My Fan-Base More, Is If I Joined Al-Queda Award: No surprise here: Isiah Thomas. Worst coach ever.

PartII: coming tomorrow

Rookie Card Madness!!!

2008-04-12T12:37:00.013-04:00

So I came acroos this baseball card site recently ( thanks mentalfloss.com )that has the images posted of their best cards. What better excuse to act like a braying jackass!

So besides the inane choice to shoot this against a mirror, just in case Bobby wanted to break into a rendition of Price's When Doves Cry, there's that "perfect" fly ball form. Bobby's rep. has always been that he's too afraid of the wall to catch fly balls over his head. Much speculation has swirled as to the cause of his mental-fly-ball-blockage. Finally we have an answer. In this photo shot as a rookie, Bobby tragically ran into the mirror sending shards everywhere, and scaring poor Abreu for life. Seriously, Abreu is actually Mr. Glass from the movie "Unbreakable". And he's got a porn-stache.

OK, Josh Beckett looks like he is only twelve in this picture, so I should go easy on him right? Wrong! That intense look in Beckett's eyes that later in life would intimidate hitters, is at this point more the hairy-palms/going-blind kind of stare. Really, he looks like he's watching Girls Gone Wild 7. Fortunately for Josh the picture cuts off what his hands are doing; namely checking the dangle.

Either I've had one too many Presbyterians heavy on the Rye Whiskey, or Jason Giambi travelled to the past and ate his nineteen year old self after this photo shoot. He looks like David Eckstein for Christmas sakes. Hostess Ding-Dongs and Horse 'roids, the breakfast of douche bags.

Bloody sock? How about bloody upper lip. I mean is that a really virulent strain of herpes on his face, or what? Curt Schilling: lap-diving into Ho's since 1989.

To be fair this doubled as Sammy's head-shot for Paradise Island. It's amazing what a good shave and mangos glazed with HGH can do for a guy.

This Week in Baseball, Week 1

2008-04-09T18:26:00.002-04:00

So here are a few of my thoughts on this season so far:

What's with all the crappy teams doing really well? The Orioles with a 6 game win streak? KC is tied with CHISox for First? Florida leading the NL East? Seriously, i know we're only a week and change in, but this is some freaky shit.
What's with all the supposedly good teams doing terribly? I mean, obviously there's the Tigers, but there's also the Yankees and Red Sox at 500, the Mariners (granted, not a GREAT team, but still...), Indians under 500, Mets in last place, Rockies under 500. Either I'm awful at picking the winners, or we're in for a wickedly interesting season.
There are some startlingly good rookie performances so far - Cueto with Cincy, McLouth in Pittsburgh, Justin Upton (not technically a rookie, but still), Fukuodome in Chicago... i'm noticing a trend... National League seems to be nice to rookies. BS has decided to remind me that Joba Chamberlain is actually a rookie, and he's doing very well (4 IP, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 k's)
Veterans doing badly - Alfonso Soriano, Adam Dunn, Giambi, Johjima, etc. Some seriously crappy stats.

So what does all this mean? It means that we're ONE WEEK IN! I am just as bad as all people here - 6 months w/o baseball makes us all jump all over these early results. Ups and downs, hills and valleys, people. Here's an idea - talk to me in a month, we'll see where we're at then.

Roy Williams's Cyclical Final Four Legacy

2008-04-01T15:11:00.009-04:00

If basketball were compared to the philosophers of antiquity, Roy Williams would be the heir to Aristotle.

Whoa, whoa, you say, calm down. But, follow me here, Basketball as I've said before has a qualifiable beginning. Created by James Naismith, taught to his disciple Phog Allen, who in turn coached and mentored Dean Smith, whose most famous coaching disciple is Roy Williams ( or Larry Brown ).

Western Philosophy traces it's roots to Socrates, who taught his disciple Plato, who in turn mentored Aristotle. Aristotle's most famous student was Alexander the Great, and if we continue to follow the comparison then that would make Michael Jordan his basketball equivalent.

Hyperbole aside, the linchpin is Kansas. All of the coaches either played or coached there. Although in more recent times, UNC has sent it's share of talent there way. This more recent history starts with Dean Smith maintaining close ties to Kansas after becoming the head coach at Carolina, even considering leaving to coach Kansas at one time.

Instead Dean became their consigliere, recommending the two modern coaching success at Kansas, before Self,: Larry Brown and Roy Williams ( both UNC guys obviously ). Brown was already regarded as a talented coach when he took over at Kansas ( although in the all's fair in love and war category, Larry repaid Dean by stealing Danny Manning from UNC by hiring Manning's father as a coach. Manning changed his commitment from UNC to Kansas after this and went on to bring them their only National Title in recent memory.) Roy was an unlikely choice for such a top tier program. He got the job because of Dean. So Carolina has paid back the Smith debt a couple of times over.

More importantly this is the third time Kansas and UNC have played each other in the Semi's of the Final Four with Roy involved as a head coach. The first time was Dean's return to the Final Four after the longest absence of his career, during which time the new guard of ACC coaches:, Jimmie V., Bobby Cremins, and Coach K. had stolen Dean's thunder. It was also Roy's first trip and he ended up winning. A tough game all around made tougher by Duke and Coach K. winning their first title the next game ( although it could be mercifully, since UNC surely would have been crushed by Duke in the final, and never would have lived it down). This game of Roy over Dean seems to bear a lot of similarities to the game this weekend.

The second time they met in the Semi's UNC was making it's second title run under Dean. This was the comeback against Jimmie V., at ESPN now, Cremmins tailing off and about to disappear, and it's often forgotten Coach K; who Dean from this point on to his retirement would dominate in recruiting and on the court ( we've yet to see if Coach K. facing a similar challenge to his supremacy by Roy can come back to power). But this Semi victory seemed less painful for all the participants. It wasn't one of Kansas's great teams, and there was a feeling that this was Dean's year.

This time Dean's not involved and Roy's back with UNC. There's no real connection with Self, so the historical comparison falls away. The mutual love between Roy and Kansas has soured with their bitter divorce, so unlike the games against Smith early on in his career, Roy has no mixed feelings about taking it to his opponent. Expect Carolina to run away with the game in the second half.

THE WAGER or 2008 MLB Predictions

2008-03-29T12:38:00.025-04:00

While in strict cloistered repose, pondering the implications of a cosmos permeated by Dark Energy accelerating the expansion the universe, I was disturbed by a loud banging upon the teak wood, iron-wrought door to my study. Setting down my snifter of 1972 Charles de Granville's XO Calvados, I rushed to see who had managed to make his way past my Cossack man-servant, Gruzinov. Hesitatingly, I cracked open the ancient door to the darkness without.

In burst a large man. He wore a pea coat like that of a Mariner, and he had the strong smell of Haddock. Brushing right past me, the man went straight to the wet bar and poured himself a large drought from my Decanted Châteauneuf-du-Pape. He drank the vino down in one long, coughing, drought where it seemed as much of the vintage was caught in his beard as his throat. Slowly he pivoted and for the first time fixed me with his firm gaze.

"I've come fer me debt", he gurgled almost as if he was underwater. Never having seen the man before, I suspected mistaken identity. I screwed up my courage to speak.

"Look here", I squeaked. "I've never seen you before, much less owe you a debt. Now explain your bussiness or be off. If you don't I shall call my security."

"You mean that stinking Ural mountain trash I met coming in? I disposed of him already." He poured himself another glass of my precious Rhone valley wine and squared me again with that almost lawyerly stare.

"I may be a stranger to you", he said. "But I sure as blazes know who you are. And your Father, and his Father before him. My family has kept a close eye on yours for generations. Your name is Bad Sunglasses. Mine is Zaaq. Your Grandfather made a wager with with my Grandfather nigh on eighty years ago. And now it's time to settle".

"Why this is preposterous", I stammered. A great storm had now crept over the land. Flashes of lightening and loud claps of thunder now added to my unease.

The man called Zaaq positioned himself over the Victorian leather high-backed, and seemed to almost collapse within it's confines. He reached under his tattered coat and pulled out a document and handed it to me. I could just make out the faded red scrawled writing by the expiring cherry embers within my marble fireplace.

"It's all there for you to read", he said. "It's a right and properly done contract; as you can see. Your Grandfather bet mine that the Giant Starfish didn't exist, and was nothing but a phantom fossil footprint of a large bottom dwelling Manticore. With the recent discovery of two mating Giant Starfish in the Antarctic waters off New Zealand, my Grandfather has won the wager! And I, as his only living relative, have come to collect."

"Wait, wait," I exclaimed. "Here in the document, at the bottom, in fine print, written backwards, in coded sanacrit, upside down, scribed in stealthy ink only visable by firelight; it clearly states a caveat!"

Zaaq grabbed the document out of my hand, and read the newly discovered condition aloud. "Upon definitive proof that the wager is won, the losing party has a one time opportunity to trump the original bet by predicting the outcome of the forthcoming Major League Baseball season more accurately than the winning party of the original bet, after which all bets will be considered completed forever, and all debts will be collected on pain of death"!

The disheveled Mariner tore about the room enraged screaming curses at this new hindrance to his fortune. Finally he calmed down enough to sit back down. Upon being seated again, Zaaq pulled out a large, whole, smoked fish from the seemingly cavernous confines of his pea coat; the source of the aforementioned dock-stench. He proceeded to make a meal of the Haddock starting with a large bite out of its scaly stomach.

"Well, now that's settled", I said. " But there's one thing I'm still unsure of: what's the prize?"

Wiping his face with his sleeve, Zaaq said: "For me and mine, a bottle of your finest whiskey. Your family has long been known as hoarders of the best vintages. And for you and yours...a bag of radishes."

"That hardly seems fair", I protested.

"Yes well, the year they made the bet was a particularly bad year for the radish, blight and all. And your Grandfather had special uses for those vegetable." Zaaq visible shuddered.

"And what uses would that be", I queried; dreading the answer.

"Well", Zaaq said, " a man's secrets are his own, but word was, rumor was, that your Grandfather used radishes during sexual rituals in the catacombs beneath this very house"!

The heat of the fire beside me and warmth of the liquor within me seemed to swell, and I swooned upon the floor. "No! It can't be! Lies! Rumors and lies!" I moaned as the room went dark and I knew no more.

************************************************************************************

I awoke hours later upon my chaisse with a wet cloth upon my head, and Gruzinov, my cossack man-servant, his head bandaged, waiting upon me. It turns out Gruzinov remembered nothing of the night before, except checking the grounds for a strange noise. He awoke later in the gardens with a nasty bump on his head. He proceeded inside to find me alone, in my study, laying unconscious upon the mahogany floor.

After some care, feeling refreshed, I sent Gruzinov to collect our breakfast. I scanned about the room looking for any clue that the events of the night before had not all been a dream. My eyes fell upon an envelope, addressed to a PO box in Brooklyn.

In the envelope was a letter consisting, of one sentence, a signature, and a postscript. The sentence read: "I expect your 2008 MLB season predictions forthwith. The signature was: Zaaq. The postscript appeared written with more haste, as almost an afterthought: " Starfish and radishes? What the hell's wrong with your family!"

fin.

To the predictions:

American League:

East
1. Red Sox
2. Yankees
3. Jays
4. Rays
5. Orioles

Central
1. Detroit
2. Cleavland
3. White Sox
4. Twins
5. Royals

West
1. Mariners
2.Angels
3. A's
4. Rangers

National League:

East
1. Braves
2. Phillies
3. Mets
4. Nationals
5. Marlins

Central
1. Cubs
2. Brewers
3. Reds
4. Cardinals
5. Astros
6. Pirates

West
1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Rockies
4. Padres
5. Giants

MVP's

AL: D. Ortiz, Boston-DH
NL: M. Teixeira, ATL-1B

Cy Young

AL: Eric Bedard- Seattle
NL: Brad Penny- LA

Divisional Series:
AL: Yanks over Mariners in 5 games
Detroit over Red Sox in 4 games

NL: Dodgers over Phillies in 4 games
Cubs over Braves in 3 games

Championship Series:
AL: Detroit over Yanks in 6 games
NL: Cubs over Dodgers in 7 games

World Series:

Detroit over Cubs in 5 games

2008 Fantasy Baseball Predictions

2008-03-28T14:34:00.007-04:00

Amid PED accusations, foreign substance spitball allegations, and general shady-doucheness, Zaaq's Brookyln brigade won our fantasy keeper league in 2007. This crime against nature ends now. My Excalibur to purge the land of this Saxonesque menace, you ask? My 2008 fantasy player rankings. May God have mercy on the Brigade's souless flesh bag.

1. Alex Rodriguez, NY 3B
2. Prince Fielder, Mil 1B
3. Miguel Cabrera, Det 3B
4. Matt Holliday, Col OF
5. Chase Utley, Phi 2B
6. Hanley Ramirez, Fla SS
7. Alfonso Soriano, ChC OF
8. David Wright, NYM 3B
9. Carl Crawford, TB OF
10. Jimmy Rollins, Phi SS
11. Johan Santana, NYM SP
12. David Ortiz, Bos DH
13. Jose Reyes, NYM SS
14. Jake Peavy, SD SP
15. Ryan Howard, Phi 1B
16. Brandon Phillips, Cin 2B
17. Carlos Beltran, NYM OF
18. Grady Sizemore, Cle OF
19. Carlos Lee, Hou OF
20. Vladimir Guerrero, LAA OF, DH
21. Victor Martinez, Cle C, 1B
22. Manny Ramirez, Bos, OF
23. Mark Teixeira, Atl 1B
24. Erik Bedard, Sea SP
25. Justin Morneau, Min 1B
26. Magglio Ordonez, Det OF
27. Lance Berkman, Hou 1B, OF
28. Josh Beckett, Bos SP
29. Albert Pujols, StL 1B
30. B.J. Upton, TB 2B, OF
31. Troy Tulowitzki, Col SS
32. Chone Figgins, LAA 3B
33. Carlos Guillen, Det SS, 1B
34. Derek Jeter, NYY SS
35. C.C. Sabathia, Cle SP
36. Ichiro Suzuki, Sea OF
37. Cole Hamels, Phi SP
38. Ryan Braun, Mil 3B
39. Brandon Webb, Ari SP
40. Jeff Francoeur, Atl OF
41. Curtis Granderson, Det OF
42. Russell Martin, LAD C
43. Adam Dunn, Cin OF
44. Dan Haren, Ari SP
45. Aramis Ramirez, ChC 3B
46. Travis Hafner, Cle DH
47. Robinson Cano, NYY 2B
48. Scott Kazmir, TB SP
49. Garrett Atkins, Col 3B
50. Bobby Abreu, NYY OF
51. Nick Markakis, Bal OF
52. Justin Verlander, Det SP
53. Carlos Pena, TB 1B
54. Corey Hart, Mil OF
55. Brad Hawpe, Col OF
56. Joe Mauer, Min C
57. Alex Rios, Tor OF
58. Brian Roberts, Bal 2B
59. Dan Uggla, Fla 2B
60. Aaron Harang, Cin SP
61. Ryan Zimmerman, Was 3B
62. Roy Oswalt, Hou SP
63. Chris Young, SD SP
64. Orlando Cabrera, CWS SS
65. Adrian Beltre, Sea 3B
66. Chipper Jones, Atl 3B
67. Torii Hunter, LAA OF
68. Paul Konerko, CWS 1B
69. Eric Byrnes, Ari OF
70. Edgar Renteria, Det SS
71. Derrek Lee, ChC 1B
72. Carlos Zambrano, ChC SP
73. Gary Sheffield, Det DH
74. Adrian Gonzalez, SD 1B
75. Jim Thome, CWS DH
76. Miguel Tejada, Hou SS
77. Joe Blanton, Oak SP
78. Jonathan Papelbon, Bos RP
79. Josh Hamilton, Tex OF
80. Rafael Furcal, LAD SS
81. Felix Hernandez, Sea SP
82. Hunter Pence, Hou OF
83. Vernon Wells, Tor OF
84. J.J. Putz, Sea RP
85. Jeremy Hermida, Fla OF
86. John Smoltz, Atl SP
87. Johnny Damon, NYY OF, DH
88. Fausto Carmona, Cle SP
89. Joe Nathan, Min RP
90. Brian McCann, Atl C
91. Roy Halladay, Tor SP
92. Shane Victorino, Phi OF
93. Dustin McGowan, Tor SP
94. Chris Young, Ari OF
95. Ian Kinsler, Tex 2B
96. Michael Young, Tex SS
97. John Lackey, LAA SP
98. Andruw Jones, LAD OF
99. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA RP
100. Jhonny Peralta, Cle SS
101. Ben Sheets, Mil SP
102. Todd Helton, Col 1B
103Mariano Rivera, NYY RP
104. Nick Swisher, CWS 1B, OF
105. Rich Harden, Oak SP
106. Jermaine Dye, CWS OF
107. Javier Vazquez, CWS SP
108. Jason Bay, Pit OF
109. Daisuke Matsuzaka, Bos SP
110. Placido Polanco, Det 2B
111. Tim Hudson, Atl SP
112. Howie Kendrick, LAA 2B
113. John Maine, NYM SP
114. Jorge Posada, NYY C
115. Delmon Young, Min OF
116. Takashi Saito, LAD RP
117. Justin Upton, Ari OF
118. Rich Hill, ChC SP
119. Ryan Garko, Cle 1B
120.Yovani Gallardo*, Mil SP
121. James Shields, TB SP
122. Hideki Matsui, NYY OF, DH
123. Matt Kemp, LAD OF
124. Bad Sunglasses
125. Zaaq

A Gentleman's Bet: Baseball

2008-03-28T14:04:00.003-04:00

So BS and I have been forced into a friendly wager as pertaining to the upcoming baseball season by our lecherous and generally suspicious ancestors (see BS' retelling of the story in his post). Suffice it to say, this fish-smelling Mariner will tromp all over BS' fancy booze snifting slave ownin ass.

Our endeavor: Pick the correct order of finish for all 30 MLB teams.

Our wager: a quality mid-range whiskey/bourbon, such as this, or this, or this.

The rules: (1) one point for every team who ends up in the predicted slot, (2) 2 additional points for picking correct division winners, (3) 1 point for picking correct wild card, (4) 3 points for picking correct divisional winners, (5) 4 points for picking correct championship winners, (6) 5 points for WS, (7) one point each for picking correct Cy Young and MVP for each league.

May the best man win!

American League

West (since everyone always lists the East first)

1. Seattle - sure, it's a homer pick... I have many many many many misgivings about this squad, but I think that the 1-2 punch in the lineup is the best in the bigs, and I think there are enough sparks left in the decrepit bunch of men we call our starting lineup that will eek past the Angels.

2. Los Angeles - Praise be to the god of injured pitching arms!

3. Oakland

4. Texas

Central

1. Cleveland - tough call here, but I just think that there are fewer question marks in the Injuns' rotation and bullpen. Good young squad - gonna be a force to be reckoned with in the future, with or without CC.

2. Detroit - too many old guys and injury risks.

3. Minnesota - like always, the twins will be largely unremarkable, but will win games.

4. Kansas City - HEY! The Royals may not finish in the cellar... will wonders never cease?

5. Chicago

East

1. Boston

2. New York - we'll see how those young arms play and how well Girardi runs the show... they could very easily take this division, but as of right now, I think Boston is the safer bet.

3. Tampa Bay - the little guys could flirt with contention... i think 80+ wins isn't out of the question.

4. Toronto

5. Baltimore - Best of luck, Messrs. Jones and Sherrill.

National League

West

1. Arizona

2. Colorado (but boy are they close... I fall back on the adage that pitching wins games, and boy that DBack rotation is solid).

3. San Diego

4. Los Angeles

5. San Francisco

Central

1. Chicago - Sweet Lou screams, yells, kicks dirt and babbles incoherently on their way to the postseason.

2. Milwaukee - Close, but no cigar. Great young talent, but not enough push to get them to October. Plus it doesn't help that Gagne is your closer...

3. Cincinnati

4. Houston

5. St. Louis - Gawd, this team is awful, but I can't bring myself to put them below the Pirates...

6. Pittsburgh

East

1. New York - if Delgado can return to close to form, and if the Santana-Pedro can sustain itself, this could be a tough team. Plus, having Maine and Pelfrey is a pretty decent back end to your rotation. Injuries could decimate this team in a heartbeat, though.

2. Philadelphia

3. Atlanta

4. Florida

5. Washington

AL Wild Card - New York

AL Division Winners: Boston over Seattle in 5 (i want to pick Seattle, cause their rotation is built for playoff series, but they just don't inspire my confidence), Cleveland over New York in 7.

AL Championship Winner: Cleveland in 7

NL Wild Card: Colorado

NL Division: Arizona over Chicago in 6, New York over Colorado in 5

NL Championship Winner: Arizona in 6

World Series: Cleveland in 6.

AL MVP: A-Rod; AL Cy Young: Bedard (by a nose over Verlander)

NL MVP: David Wright; NL Cy Young: Santana

Blissful Ignorance

2008-03-28T10:52:00.002-04:00

Unlike the obvious attention that BS pays to college hoops, I know nigh on nothing. I have lost all interest in basketball in the last 5-8 years, and I am not really dying to get it back. It is certainly among the more exciting sports, but I think it feels too much like a sugar rush to me - i prefer my sports like my novels: slow, complex, and full of interweaving machinations. Basketball is surely complex and interweaving, but i don't know, it just doesn't grab me anymore.

That being said, the NCAA tournament is among the greatest sporting events in existence. Without fail, it is exciting and unpredictable every year. Strange things happen to players and fans alike. And what makes it unique amongst all other sporting events with the exception of perhaps the Olympics is that it has a great draw amongst non-fans.

Take, for example, me. I filled out a bracket knowing very little other than what I gleaned from BS in his well worded and voluminous posts on the subject, the random ESPN headline, and rudimentary knowledge of some of the college divisions. In hindsight, i stuck mostly to higher seeds, but made several upset predictions and when in doubt went with a Pac-10 team.

Turns out I'm in first place in my office pool! Not only that, but I'm just behind the guy who has the most potential points in the pool as well. Enough to make me pay attention this weekend, to say the least!

Go Bruins!

The Fundementals

2008-03-28T01:24:00.003-04:00

As good as UNC looked last night, and believe me they looked good, they still haven't solved the main offensive problems that led to their ouster last year in the elite eight. Mainly reversing the ball when teams over-play one side, and passing out of the double team.

Georgetown killed UNC in the second half of last years regional final game, by double teaming the post and pressuring the outside by dropping off the weak side of Carolina's offense. This is a textbook defense which has a textbook counter tactic: reverse the ball around to the opposite/weak side from where the overload of pressure is with quick passes and as few dribbles as possible.

Unfortunately for Carolina, one of Tyler Hansbrough's two main weakness is passing out of the double team ( the other being an inability to counter the force of gravity). So after getting ousted by an inferior team last year who doggedly used this overplaying defense to get back in the game and win in over-time, you would think Carolina would fix this fatal flaw. You might also think that the Pentagon could find somebody besides a 22 year old to supply our troops in Afghanistan with Ammo ( you'd be wrong on that too). Tyler still seems surprised, and overwhelmed every time the double team comes his way. He misses cutters so much, that his teammates have stopped trying to roll to the basket. Instead they circle out to the three point line on his same side; the side with all the defensive pressure.

But even when the Tar Heels get the ball back out of the post, rarely do you see the quick swing passes that would find a shooter open an the weak side for an uncontested jumper. or a pump-fake followed by an open lane to the basket. Too much dribbling on the perimeter, and too much forcing of the ball into the post on one side of the defense, characterizes UNC's offense.

Granted on most nights, the Heels have too many horses for most teams to match up with. But prime-time starts Saturday with the match-up against Louisville, and won't get any easier after that. For a team with this much talent, it would be a shame to see them lose because of something as controllable as the fundamentals.

Comeuppence

2008-03-25T20:17:00.006-04:00

Like most of America, my bracket took a spiked boot to the groin this weekend. Siena, really? Anyway I'm salved in the knowledge that all of my final four picks are alive, seven of my elite eight picks are still playing, ten of the sweet sixteen are accurate, and I've got a one hundred and thirty dollar bottle bourbon to sip on: Pappy Van Winkle, and it's worth every penny.

But I've got to mention the thing that stood out most for me: the early exit of once dominating Duke and Connecticut. These two teams have ample tournament history against one another, with UConn. surprisingly coming out on top: winning the National Title Game against Duke in '99 and beating Duke in the Final Four in 2004. Astonishingly for both programs, they've been traveling down the sad road to Suck-Town ever since. Even more painfully, their precipitous drop can be directly tied to the reassertion of power by former top dogs, and main rivals Georgetown and North Carolina.

Both the Hoyas and The Tar Heels suffered after the retirement of their uber Paters, Dean Smith and John Thompson. Their programs were able to reenergize by bringing in coaches with close ties, Roy Williams and J.T.the third. The recruits who once came to the Carthage of Duke and Connecticut, now go to the resurgent Roman powers of UNC and Georgetown.

On thing I am sure of; nobody's gonna be crying for the likes of Mike Krzyzewski, and Jim Calhoun: the Tango and Cash or Starsky and Hutch of College basketball. These two self-important blow hards have never failed to let anyone with working sensory organs know that they are responsible for the success of their programs. And of course now that both have crashed like the Hindenburg it's not anything they've done wrong. It's because their players don't make shots, or aren't ready to play( Billy Donavon of Florida also seems poised to join their ranks). Hey, both programs are could pick up a big recruit and make a huge run soon, and probably will. That won't change the fact both Calhoun and Coach K. have been exposed during this period of mediocrity as icy megalomaniacs who aren't above throwing some teenagers under the bus if it keep some polish on their resumes.

2008 NCAA Selection Commitee Made Up of Aliens, Masons, Vampires, and Duke Alumni

2008-03-18T16:53:00.014-04:00

My first memory of March Madness involved my parents cursing at Isiah Thomas. Lifelong UNC Tarheel fans, my Mom and Dad believed the 1981 championship game against Indiana to finally be "The One" for Dean Smith and Carolina; making them forgot the former failed candidates: '67,'68,'69,'72, and the heart breaker in 1977. Things looked pretty good in the first half as Carolina led the entire way. Then the greatest basketball player never to have a nickname( unless you count Fucking Isiah ) came out for the second half and put on an all-time performance: 19 points and four steals.

I was struck, even at that young age, by the passion the game evoked from my parents, especially my normally even-keeled father. Carolina went on to win the title the next year creating an explosion of euphoria in my house that rang my metaphysical bell in such a way that it still reverbs today.

But enough with the waxing poetic on your mental Toyota, and bitching like an old man on the pot who forgot his Newsweek. On with the prognostications!

First of all, only nine teams have a shot at winning the whole thing: UNC, Memphis, UCLA, Kansas,Texas, Tennessee, Georgetown, and Wisconsin. This is not to say that all the final four teams will certainly come from this group, but that these are the only ones with a chance to become the Champ. Louisville, Duke, Pitt and to a lesser extent Clemson all have a chance to make the final four, but they won't win.

North Carolina got screwed by the selection committee this year. UNC was the number one ranked team for thirteen of the nineteen weeks of the season. They still get the strongest two and three seeds of the tourney, Tennessee, and Louisville, in their region. Although much has been made of Carolina's home court advantage, UT's, and to a lesser degree Louisville's, closest advantageous region would be the east. On top of that there is also the potential for an Indiana- UNC game in the second round! Not a welcome thought for Heel fans (memories of '84 welling-up).

The real overall #1 seed, based on regional advantage and strength of opponents is UCLA. They have the weakest two, three, five,six, eight, and nine seeds in the tournament! They also play the first two rounds in their backyard of Anaheim, before potentially traveling to Phoenix for the regional semis and finals. So go ahead and put the Bruins down for their third straight trip to the final four.

Look out for Texas. The committee hooked them up almost as much as UCLA. Granted they are in a top heavy bracket with Memphis, Stanford, and Pitt but check out this advantageous potential road to the title for the Longhorns: play the first two games just across the border in Little Rock, then back home to Texas for the regionals in Houston, and then on to San Antonio for the Final Four. They have potential home court advantage through-out the entire tournament. Throw in an underrated coach, a team that can score inside or out, and you've got the sleeper pick to win it all.

Last and not least, Duke for the umpteenth time in a row, has been placed in the weakest bracket with a relatively easy route to a regional final. This proves once and for all what the majority of Americans have come to believe: The NCAA selection Committee is made up of Aliens, Masons, and Vampires. As these groups of sinister blood suckers overwhelmingly make up the Duke Alumni (Mike"I don't look at myself as a basketball coach. I look at myself as a leader who happens to coach basketball" Krzyzewski is actually all three), it only makes sense that they would pull the strings necessary to give the "Devils"( no coincidence) a leg up.
Well too bad sinister would-be world dominator's; you're plan-- to convince the world that spoiled, whiny, white guys who shoot threes, and play dirty have the best chance to win basketball tournaments--will fail! The world is on to you. Go Heels!

By the way here's a copy of the winning bracket. Feel free to copy.

Racking Up Stats, or Secretly Great?

2008-03-13T15:27:00.004-04:00

Spurred on by the BS's (Bad Sunglasses) post the other day, I was glancing around Pro Football Reference, which, with it's counterpart Baseball Reference, are a wonderful, Christmas-morning type sites for anyone with a modicum of interest in stats. Anyway, I was glancing at the career leaders in a few categories and kept seeing names of players I knew were good, but would never have guessed them to be anywhere near the top in any major category.

I'm talking about players like:

Curtis Martin, 4th all time leading rusher with 14,101 yards. I mean, I guess he was good. I always remember him being there, but I never remember him being that good. Could be that I lived in the far reaches of the West Coast during his run (no pun intended), but he just kinda quietly racked up a whole bunch of yards for some generally mediocre Jets teams (and a couple solid but not great Patriots teams).
Jerome Bettis - see also Martin, Curtis. I have pretty similar feelings about Bettis, who clocks in at 5th all time with 13, 662 yards. I guess I have more respect for him, cause he had to haul around that hulkish frame of his to get all those yards, which is pretty impressive, all things considere.
Dave Krieg - 12th all time leading passer, 38,147 yards. This guy... I tell you what, he led my fearsome Sea Chickens to many a 9-7 season... I would hazard a guess that most of the people in Seattle, where Krieg got the lions' share of those yards, would have a so-so to negative impression of this guy. Sure, I was young at the time, but I seem to remember him fumbling or getting sacked constantly at the worst times of the game. But even he is in the top 15 of ALL TIME, PEOPLE!!! He beats out such luminaries as Steve Young, Phil Simms, and BS's favorite, Troy Aikman.
Larry Centers - 13th all time leading receiver, 827. First it bears noting that after Jerry Rice, it's a rather precipitous drop off in this category. That being said, a frickin FULLBACK???? On the one hand, you're glad for him, cause obviously he got to be more than the glorified mobile lineman that fullbacks are. Don't get me wrong, i love me a good fullback. Shaun Alexander doesn't rack up his MVP season a few years back without Mack Strong knockin guys down in front of him... It's just that Centers is now ahead such HOFers as Steve Largent, Michael Irvin, James Lofton and Charlie Joiner.

Fundamentally, my question on players like this is always whether they were really that good, or whether they just piled up stats by being mediocre for a really long time. I think thus far the Hall of Fame has done a pretty good job of weeding these statistical freaks out, but it's gonna be hard in the coming years with all the crazy stats people are putting up year in and year out.

Top Five Misconceptions About the N.B.A.

2008-03-12T01:31:00.023-04:00

More than any other sports league, the N.B.A. suffers from a widespread image problem named Ron Artest. But it's not the N.B.A.'s fault; Ron chose them, not the other way around. So the following list in no way applies to Mr. Artest, and maybe Stephen Jackson.

5. They Don't Play The Game Right
This is coded speech for: "The league's too black!" The fundamentals of the game have gotten better, but the old men keep talking crap. Because the players today are in better shape and more committed to defense, the old spacing of the game doesn't work. But still the cry goes out for the mid-range jumper. The truth is that the game has changed to accentuate versatility, where it used to reward compatibility. The league used to look for for square pegs for square holes, round pegs for round holes, etc.... Now it demands the same high skill set 1-5.

Baseball has been down this road in reverse, with the introduction of Babe Ruth. Before the Babe, batters 1-9 hit pretty much the same: like slapping rabbits. After the Babe, Managers started the heavy specialization of the batting line-up we see today.

In the N.B.A., it was Michael Jordan who brought the revolution. Jordans demanding nature caused Jerry Krause to build the first N.B.A. team as we know it today: the '96 Bulls. When Phil Jackson played Jordan, Pippen, Harper, Rodman, and Kukoc together they didn't beat teams as much as send them into a metaphysical tailspin.

The whole league is constructed with this modern model in mind now. That's why Shawn Marion, a poor man's Scottie Pippen can be traded for Shaq. Something you'd never have seen in Adolf Rupp's day.

4. David Stern is the Best Commissioner in Sports
The Game has suffered from the reactionary David Stern, who embraced the Hip-Hop movement in the N.B.A. when he first heard Two Live Crew, but then rejected it soon after he met Old Dirty Bastard at a pool party. Stern has floundered since the late nineties, throwing so much shit against the wall you'd think it was a Spartan wrestling hall: Canadian franchises, the W.N.B.A., the new ball, the dress code, that team in Memphis, and most importantly his acquiescence to every owner except Mark Cuban, the one guy who seems to make the most sense. The man is less the Allen Greenspan of sports, than the Henry Kissinger.

3. The Players are Thugs
So much has been said about this myth, that I hesitate to even talk about it. And yet until this year, the "Thug" myth would have ranked as a top issue for the N.B.A.. But Pacman Jones and Mike Vick stepped up, setting the record straight for America this year, giving the NBA breathing room.

Never forget, the N.B.A. is the elite league for North American athletes and increasingly the world. If you ever wonder where the next Jessie Owens, or Steve Yzerman is; he is out back practicing his left hand layup. As the Ivy League of North American Sports, the N.B.A. gathers only the few. Deion Sanders played Baseball and Football, but if he had his choice, he'd be a basketball player.

2. It's a Players League
This criticism seems to stick because the N.B.A.'s players are more famous than other sports leagues', creating an image of a bunch of Paris Hilton's shooting jump shots. In fact, the N.B.A. is more like a Dickensian orphanage, than a Marxist playground. With it's small number of participants creating an insular cultish environment, no sport is as over-coached as basketball( see Johnson, Avery). Unlike Baseball, which has a contested, muddy origin, Basketball has a tidy, verifiable beginning; like Mormonism ( that's a blog unto itself). This codified starting point allows dictatorial coaches everywhere to harken back to the peach baskets of James Naismith, every time Allen Iverson breaks ankles with his cross-over dribble. Baseball players are so powerful that Managers are reduced to buying them lunches (see Baker, Dusty). In the N.B.A., George Karl still has a job, but is still holding-off on the little under-nose moustache.

1. They Don't Play Hard
This is the most baffling criticism. In a world where office workers surf the web 25 minutes out of every hour, union workers aren't allowed to climb a ladder, and hung-over baristas roll their eyes when you order a caramel macchiato ("You know that's not a real macchiato, right?"-Yeah I do, and I also know that a barista's not a real job for A THIRTY YEAR OLD!). NBA players who run more than any sport except soccer players (who don't have to deal with the rigors of jumping on hardwood), play longer seasons than anybody but baseball players (who get to stand around a lot and in whose game a walk is a good thing), and unlike football and baseball, don't wear any pads or protection (and it's not like it wouldn't help).

Kobe Bryant is currently playing with a broken finger on his shooting hand. Grant Hill is still playing after having about eighty-two ankle surgeries (seriously, the man's ankle bones are reduced to 1/100 ratio of bone to aluminum). Dikembe Mutombo is 42 and he still runs up and down for the Rockets. The league is filled with players whose only cartilage in their legs has been implanted from a cadaver.

It's also "routine" for players to undergo the horrific Microfracture surgery. This surgery involves multiple fractures "created" with an awl in the adjacent bones of the knee, allowing blood and bone marrow (containing stem cells) to seep out which they hope will clot and eventually form new cartilage. Yes, you read that right, an awl, not a drill or any other modern instrument, but a fucking caveman created awl! Why don't they trepan the guy's skull for fun while they've got him under as well! So basically doctors are shanking patients' knees like Adebisi from Oz, in hopes that the knee will realize that the joint is a dangerous place and get some protection. NBA players are voluntarily getting this surgery, some on both knees, so they can get back on the court, even though their contracts are guaranteed and they get paid whether they play again or not. So the next time your hand is sore from too many taps on the keyboard, and you feel like you need some rest-do what an NBA player would do. Stab yourself between the knuckles with an icepick in hopes that it might help you type faster when it heals.

Brett Favre- The Beeramid of Pro Football History

2008-03-11T00:47:00.000-04:00

Stumbled upon by some great Pabst, or Schlitz enthusiast of our post-industrial past, The Beeramid stands as a testament to hollow accomplishments. A rite of American youth: cheap canned beer stacked like an Egyptian tomb. And like Brett Favre's career, celebrated as historic by unwary individuals.

I never got the whole Favre thing. His "exuberance" never charmed me, and always seemed more like showboating. The media gave him a pass on this. Whatever. I can't help feeling that if Favre were black, he'd be lumped in with T.O. or Michael Irving, as the pampered egotist who smears success in his opponents faces.

Sure Favre's got impressive numbers and holds numerous records but, like, this is football not baseball. The numbers don't tell as complete a story in football as they do in baseball. Big career passing yard Quarterbacks played in offenses that depended on them throwing the ball and didn't play with a great running back most of their careers. Of the top Qb's in career passing yards, you have to drop all the way down to Johnny Unitas at number eleven before you get to another Hall-of-Famer in the back-field (Lenny Moore, who spent half of his career as a receiver and the rest catching balls out of the backfield). So in that light, Favre is the king of the unbalanced offense.

By far Favre's most impressive record is the consecutive games played streak. But the truth is that the only reason any player, in any sport, holds a consecutive games played record is that people like them. You don't let a douche bag play when they're hurt. In this respect, consecutive games played is the opposite of the record for most hits in baseball: it is a collective obsession as opposed to a personal one ( also the Hit Kings, Cobb, and Rose, are first-ballot, hall-of-fame douche bags). If Favre acted like say Jeff George, his coach would be dying to give somebody else a chance to play, if only to stick it to the fucking guy. The Same held true for Ripkin and Gehrig; people liked them, and were willing to help them when they needed it. But unlike Ripkin and Gehrig, Favre's diminished effectiveness as he got older was rarely connected with the lack of rest and recovery the streak created.

But what is the correct criteria for the best QB of all time? If you take it by the numbers, Favre's right there. A closer look, keeping his interceptions in mind, paints a picture of an all or nothing player; a Chris Moneymaker type who kept going all-in no matter what cards he's holding. You can almost hear the inner monologue of the opposing DB's, when Favre threw another ball up for grabs: "Again? This mother-fucker's crazy!"

If you judge by the less empirical aesthetics of football, Favre's case is weaker. There are some "Big Game Wins" but more on Monday night, than in January. There are fewer comebacks with Favre, and far too many important give-aways. He does have the one Super Bowl win, but he also has a Super Bowl loss.

Only a few guys played in multiple Super Bowls and never lost: Starr in the sixties, Bradshaw in the seventies, Montana in the eighties, Aikman in the nineties. Brady was poised to continue this decade trend until he lost this year, putting him in a second tier with Len Dawson, Johnny Unitas, Bob Griese, Roger Staubach, and then after twenty years, Brett Favre, who's loss also enabled John Elway to join the group; a double whammy.

When Favre started piling up the numbers and refusing to retire while playing for bad teams late in his career, it was by then an Old Chestnut. We'd seen this recently in Baseball with Clemens and Bonds, the modern athlete padding his all time stats in plain sight. It became obvious why he was sticking around. So when he finally gets his records, and surprise, surprise, a winning team, what does he do? He retires, because what he'd been really after for five years was Marino.

Favre's magical numbers are a result of people liking him, and enabling him t chuck it down field long after he should have been home cutting the grass. It's like the Beeramid. Sure it's sweet when you top it off with the final crowning empty can. But shouldn't you have stopped drinking four beers ago?