25 Dubious DVD Double Features

Thought I'd take a break from ranting about the sports world, as the Yankees are currently driving me batshit. Instead I've cooked up something a little different. A cockamamie list that will deprive you of precious moments you'll never get back.

When I used to go to my video store here in Brooklyn, which could pass for The Weather Underground's east coast head quarters, I always ended pairing up my movies. You know two horror flicks, or maybe a couple of foreign pictures.

But I noticed that since I switched to Netflix (with my two films at a time plan), my pairings have gotten more specific. Instead of just two comedies say, I'll send off for two 1990s adolescent sex romps, or two social satires about joining the military.

So in an effort to infect others with my own cinefile swine flu, I've pieced together some films that I think go together like Meth and trailer parks. Here's hoping it curdles the desire in your brain to ever watch a movie by itself again.

The Documentary Style, French War Crimes Double Feature:

The Battle of Algiers and The Sorrow and the Pity

Really they shouldn't be scolding anybody. Have your Prozac on hand for afterwards.

The Claustrophobic Horror of The Icy Poles Double Feature:

The Thing and The Last Winter

One deals with murderous extra-terrestrials in Antarctica and the other with murderous inner-terrestrials in the Arctic. Where you gonna run when it's fifty below outside?

The White Hat, Black Hat Western Double Feature:

Shane and Once Upon a Time in the West

Marx and Lenin would love these movies. The evil land grabber and his cronies against the reformed gunslinger protecting the homesteaders. Americans just dig on the violence.

The Sadistic Apathy of American Youth Double Feature:

River's Edge and Kids

Say your bud strangles his girlfriend, or has AIDS and is raping chicks at your party. What do you do? Keep getting high.

The I Hate You, I Love You Romantic Comedy, Road Movie Double Feature:

It Happened One Night and Romancing the Stone

Two opposites argue their way across country and eventually into each others arms. Kinda like your Parents on vacation, without the each others arms bit.

The What Am I Complaining About, Triumph Over Deformity Double Feature

The Elephant Man and Mask

Reminds you what a shallow, whiny, jerk you are. In a good way.

The Dear God, Please Have An Abortion Next Time Double Feature

It's Alive and Eraserhead

No really. No more babies for you. Ever.

The Don't Orphans Have It Bad Enough Already Double Feature

The Devil's Backbone and The Orphanage

Dickens meets Polanski and the poor wee ones get the shaft.

The That Bitch Is Bad News Double Feature

Double Indemnity and Body Heat

Yeah I know she's smoking. But dude, it's just not worth it. OK maybe a little bit.

The That Bitch is Crazy Double Feature

Fatal Attraction and Single White Female

You know a movie works when the title is commonly used as an adverb and an adjective. As in " Watch out Bro, that bitch will go Fatal Attraction on your ass", or "That bitch is so Single White Female".

The Old-Timer's Got One Last Journey In Them, Road Movie Double Feature

The Trip To Bountiful and The Straight Story

It's a little messed up that we're surprised when really old people express free will. Tellingly, neither story takes place in Florida.

The Scream At The Screen "Idiot! Don't Do It!", Modern Noir Double Feature

Blood Simple and Red Rock West

Rednecks are so dumb. So homicidally dumb.

The I Think I'll Drink Myself To Death This Weekend Double Feature

The Lost Weekend and Leaving Las Vegas

At least one of them gets it right.

The Washed-Up Country Singer Tries For A Comeback Double Feature

Tender Mercies, and Honkytonk Man

Released at about the same time, Duvall's picture took a lot of steam out of Eastwood's, but they're pretty much equal flicks.

The Emotionally Manipulative Boxing Tear-Jerker Double Feature

The Champ and Million Dollar Baby

Why should someone, who's only trying to beat people unconscious for money, have to end so tragically? Just so unfair.

The Individual Location As American Zeitgeist, Ensemble Piece Double Feature

Nashville and Magnolia

A decade conveniently reduced for you consumption. Like a generational all day sucker.

The I'm So Fucking Confused Double Feature

Jacob's Ladder and The Machinist

So what just happened? That was a flashback? I thought it was a dream sequence. Wait. Rewind it, rewind it.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold And The Accidental Pimp, Farce Double Feature

Night Shift and Doctor Detroit

There were actually a lot of these in the early eighties; back in the land before AIDS.

The Beware Eastern European Women At All Costs, Horror Movie Double Feature

Cat People and Hostel

No, go ahead. Don't take my word for it. But don't blame me when she turns into a panther and sells your ass to a torturers club.

The English Are Depraved Murderous Cretins Double Feature

Straw Dogs and A Clockwork Orange

Both films were banned in Britain, so you know they've got to be good.

The American Junkie Double Feature

Drugstore Cowboy and The Panic In Needle Park

No glorification here. Probably Matt Dillion's best movie, and the movie that got Pacino his role in the Godfather.

The Subversively Hilarious Gore Fest Double Feature

Evil Dead II and Dead Alive

Chainsaws and lawnmowers finally used as God intended. And by God, I mean Cthulhu the devourer of souls.

The Last Day Of High School, Coming Of Age, Period Piece Double Feature

American Graffiti and Dazed and Confused

One was made in the seventies about the fifties and the other in the nineties about the seventies. So we should expect another of this same type of film in about five years or so.

The Let's Hope The Current Recession Doesn't Get This Bad, Great Depression Double Feature

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? and Ironweed

So which is more depressingly desperate: dancing yourself to death or drinking yourself to death? You just might get to choose!


And Finally...


The Film Set in Kenya All About The Romantic Troubles Of A Rich White Woman, Double Feature

Out Of Africa and I Dreamed Of Africa

OK people, you really shouldn't watch these last two horrible, horrible movies; unless it's for their sheer jaw dropping obliviousness to their own galaxy sized douche-baggery. Then it's OK.