I used to love hacking. Cracking codes, inserting worms and basically fucking with the system was what I lived for. Now its a job. But as jobs go it's better than most. Hacking got me off the family ranch and its stench of cow shit and into New York where everybody's full of bull shit. I'll take that trade every time.

Take this whack-job who hires me last week. Wanted me to setup a remote video/audio receiver with speak/mic capability. No problem. Than he says he wants it the size of a skin cell. Sure I says. I'll get it to you in a hundred years. He mumbles something about more like 65. Anyway I let him know what I Could Do, which was pretty badass.

Turns out this weirdo's a big time gambler. Places these bets on baseball of all things. Regular Pete Rose this guy. I told him UFC 's what's up these days. He says only until 2015 and it's revealed that 80% of the fighters are gay. When I asked how he'd know something like that, he feeds me the biggest load of shit since the farm. From the future he says. Riggghhtt.

Seems Future-Boy got some blood feud with a backwoods Pacific Northwestern clan called Jasters or Toasters or something. Figures he could fool one of them into believing a light bulb was the voice of God, or the Devil, or Jimmy the fucking Greek. Cute idea. Ask me it'll never work unless this guys a total 'tard. But hey his money's green and it must be growing off trees for as much as he's willing to lay down to get it done.

The job goes like as smooth as Kevin Durant. In and out in less than 30 minutes. An hour later I'm at the nut-job's Tribeca loft. An hour after that we're smoking cigars while he's speaking into a mic and low and behold that dimwit in the Slope thinks it's some miraculous space voice. Gotta give it to this nut-job, he's a real con who knew his mark.


AMERICAN LEAGUE:
East:

1. Yankees


2. Sux


3. Rays


4. Orioles


5. Blue Jays

Central:

1. Twins


2. White Sox
   
3. Tigers


4. Indians


5. Royals

West:

1. Angels


2. Mariners


3. Rangers


4. A's

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

East:

1. Phillies


2. Braves


3. Mets


4. Marlins


5. Nationals

Central:

1. Cardinals


2. Brewers


3. Cubs


4. Reds


5. Astros


6. Pirates

West:

1. Dodgers


2. Rockies
   


3. Giants
   


4. Diamondbacks


5. Padres

NL WC: Braves

AL WC: Sux

AL: Yanks over Angels, Sux over Twins

NL: Phillies over Dodgers, Cardinals over Braves

AL:Yanks over Sux
NL:Cardinals over Phillies

Cardinals over Yanks

Batting Champ:

AL- Ichiro

NL- Albert Puljos

Home Run Champ:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Prince Fielder

ERA Champ:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

Strikeout Champ:

AL- Zack Greinke

NL- Tim Lincecum

MVP:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Chase Utley

Cy Young:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

More K's Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay: Halladay

More Games Started Rich Harden or Ben Sheets: Rich Harden

When does the Stephen the Anchor Strasburg get his first start: May 22nd

How many fewer runs do the Sux allow: 16

Worst Team in MLB: San Diego Padres

O/U AL Home Run Leader 42.5- Over

O/U AL Pitching Wins Leader 20.5- Under

O/U Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played 236.5- Under

Higher AVG. Cano or Pedroia-Cano

O/U Mariners HR Leader 27.5- Over

2010 MLB Wager Rules

As an annual reminder, here are this year's rules, with the new categories added at the end.

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
• 1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

In Search of the Fourth

Beneath my apartment, in the treacly dark depths, across the cobweb abyss, lies a pulsating blue orb. Its' low-level hum can hypnotize - you can be drawn into the blue fog and emerge in dimensions unknown. The properties of this orb are myriad and largely benevolent - keeps away insects and vermin, encourages deep and sound sleep, provides protection from all muggers and parasitic viral infection. But perhaps most important of them all, the pulsating blue orb provides counsel, support and protection from futuristic, booze-slinging-and-swilling Yankee prognosticators.

While the orb is not perfect, it's successes have been well documented. Repeated Cowboy and Yankee trouncings were only made possible by the disrupting forces which emanate from its electic core. It's cold fusion based energy propel all who supplicate themselves into stratospheric heights, particularly in the confusingly narrow confines of sports predictions.

Now I was reluctant to turn over authority to this orb of obscure origins, this ball of befuddlement, this sphere of sports picks, this globe of guesses, this pellet of prediction. But as they say in the good book, results are results.

...

...

hmmhmhmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmhmhnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmm

(That was the blue ball. He just recited an entire novel's worth of information. If your inferior mind can hack it, i suggest you try to unpack it and see what's there. Your mind will be blown)

And so, with no further adieu, and to get to the end so I can return the glowing orb to its treacly dark, I give you Zaaq's Baseball picks.

American League

East

1. New York

2. Boston

3. Tampa

4. Baltimore

5. Toronto

Central

1. Minnesota

2. Chicago

3. Detroit

4. Cleveland

5. Kansas City

West

1. Seattle

2. Texas

3. Los Angeles

4. Oakland

Wildcard: Boston

MVP: Alex Rodriguez

Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

HR Leader: Miguel Cabrera

Average Leader: Joe Mauer

ERA Leader: Felix Hernandez

Strikeouts Leader: C.C. Sabathia

National League

East

1. Atlanta

2. Philadelphia

3. Florida

4. New York

5. Washington

Central

1. St. Louis

2. Cincinnati

3. Milwaukee

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West

1. Colorado

2. San Francisco

3. Arizona

4. Los Angeles

5. San Diego

Wildcard: Philadelphia

MVP: Chase Utley

Cy Young: Roy Halladay

HR Leader: Prince Fielder

Average Leader: Pablo Sandoval

ERA Leader: Roy Halladay

Strikeouts Leader: Tim Lincecum

Divisional Playoffs and Winners

New York v Seattle, NY wins

Boston v Minnesota, Minnesota wins

Philadelphia v St. Louis, Philadelphia wins

Atlanta v Colorado, Atlanta

wins

AL Champion - Minnesota

NL Champion - Atlanta

World Series - Minnesota

Questions For This Year

1. More K's, Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay? Halladay

2. More Games Started, Ben Sheets or Rich Harden? Sheets

3. What day does Steven Strasburg get his first start? May 23

4. How many fewer runs do the Red Sox allow? 18

5. Worst team in the Majors? Houston Astros

6. Over/Under AL HR Leader, 42.5? Over

7. Over/Under AL Pitching Wins Leader? Under

8. Over/Under Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played, 236.5? Over

9. Higher Batting Average, Robinson Cano or Dustin Pedroia? Robinson Cano

10. Over/Under Mariners HR Leader, 27.5? Unnnnnnnnder (they'll be lucky to get someone with 22)