While in strict cloistered repose, pondering the implications of a cosmos permeated by Dark Energy accelerating the expansion the universe, I was disturbed by a loud banging upon the teak wood, iron-wrought door to my study. Setting down my snifter of 1972 Charles de Granville's XO Calvados, I rushed to see who had managed to make his way past my Cossack man-servant, Gruzinov. Hesitatingly, I cracked open the ancient door to the darkness without.
In burst a large man. He wore a pea coat like that of a Mariner, and he had the strong smell of Haddock. Brushing right past me, the man went straight to the wet bar and poured himself a large drought from my Decanted Châteauneuf-du-Pape. He drank the vino down in one long, coughing, drought where it seemed as much of the vintage was caught in his beard as his throat. Slowly he pivoted and for the first time fixed me with his firm gaze.
"I've come fer me debt", he gurgled almost as if he was underwater. Never having seen the man before, I suspected mistaken identity. I screwed up my courage to speak.
"Look here", I squeaked. "I've never seen you before, much less owe you a debt. Now explain your bussiness or be off. If you don't I shall call my security."
"You mean that stinking Ural mountain trash I met coming in? I disposed of him already." He poured himself another glass of my precious Rhone valley wine and squared me again with that almost lawyerly stare.
"I may be a stranger to you", he said. "But I sure as blazes know who you are. And your Father, and his Father before him. My family has kept a close eye on yours for generations. Your name is Bad Sunglasses. Mine is Zaaq. Your Grandfather made a wager with with my Grandfather nigh on eighty years ago. And now it's time to settle".
"Why this is preposterous", I stammered. A great storm had now crept over the land. Flashes of lightening and loud claps of thunder now added to my unease.
The man called Zaaq positioned himself over the Victorian leather high-backed, and seemed to almost collapse within it's confines. He reached under his tattered coat and pulled out a document and handed it to me. I could just make out the faded red scrawled writing by the expiring cherry embers within my marble fireplace.
"It's all there for you to read", he said. "It's a right and properly done contract; as you can see. Your Grandfather bet mine that the Giant Starfish didn't exist, and was nothing but a phantom fossil footprint of a large bottom dwelling Manticore. With the recent discovery of two mating Giant Starfish in the Antarctic waters off New Zealand, my Grandfather has won the wager! And I, as his only living relative, have come to collect."
"Wait, wait," I exclaimed. "Here in the document, at the bottom, in fine print, written backwards, in coded sanacrit, upside down, scribed in stealthy ink only visable by firelight; it clearly states a caveat!"
Zaaq grabbed the document out of my hand, and read the newly discovered condition aloud. "Upon definitive proof that the wager is won, the losing party has a one time opportunity to trump the original bet by predicting the outcome of the forthcoming Major League Baseball season more accurately than the winning party of the original bet, after which all bets will be considered completed forever, and all debts will be collected on pain of death"!
The disheveled Mariner tore about the room enraged screaming curses at this new hindrance to his fortune. Finally he calmed down enough to sit back down. Upon being seated again, Zaaq pulled out a large, whole, smoked fish from the seemingly cavernous confines of his pea coat; the source of the aforementioned dock-stench. He proceeded to make a meal of the Haddock starting with a large bite out of its scaly stomach.
"Well, now that's settled", I said. " But there's one thing I'm still unsure of: what's the prize?"
Wiping his face with his sleeve, Zaaq said: "For me and mine, a bottle of your finest whiskey. Your family has long been known as hoarders of the best vintages. And for you and yours...a bag of radishes."
"That hardly seems fair", I protested.
"Yes well, the year they made the bet was a particularly bad year for the radish, blight and all. And your Grandfather had special uses for those vegetable." Zaaq visible shuddered.
"And what uses would that be", I queried; dreading the answer.
"Well", Zaaq said, " a man's secrets are his own, but word was, rumor was, that your Grandfather used radishes during sexual rituals in the catacombs beneath this very house"!
The heat of the fire beside me and warmth of the liquor within me seemed to swell, and I swooned upon the floor. "No! It can't be! Lies! Rumors and lies!" I moaned as the room went dark and I knew no more.
************************************************************************************
I awoke hours later upon my chaisse with a wet cloth upon my head, and Gruzinov, my cossack man-servant, his head bandaged, waiting upon me. It turns out Gruzinov remembered nothing of the night before, except checking the grounds for a strange noise. He awoke later in the gardens with a nasty bump on his head. He proceeded inside to find me alone, in my study, laying unconscious upon the mahogany floor.
After some care, feeling refreshed, I sent Gruzinov to collect our breakfast. I scanned about the room looking for any clue that the events of the night before had not all been a dream. My eyes fell upon an envelope, addressed to a PO box in Brooklyn.
In the envelope was a letter consisting, of one sentence, a signature, and a postscript. The sentence read: "I expect your 2008 MLB season predictions forthwith. The signature was: Zaaq. The postscript appeared written with more haste, as almost an afterthought: " Starfish and radishes? What the hell's wrong with your family!"
fin.
To the predictions:
American League:
East
1. Red Sox
2. Yankees
3. Jays
4. Rays
5. Orioles
Central
1. Detroit
2. Cleavland
3. White Sox
4. Twins
5. Royals
West
1. Mariners
2.Angels
3. A's
4. Rangers
National League:
East
1. Braves
2. Phillies
3. Mets
4. Nationals
5. Marlins
Central
1. Cubs
2. Brewers
3. Reds
4. Cardinals
5. Astros
6. Pirates
West
1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Rockies
4. Padres
5. Giants
MVP's
AL: D. Ortiz, Boston-DH
NL: M. Teixeira, ATL-1B
Cy Young
AL: Eric Bedard- Seattle
NL: Brad Penny- LA
Divisional Series:
AL: Yanks over Mariners in 5 games
Detroit over Red Sox in 4 games
NL: Dodgers over Phillies in 4 games
Cubs over Braves in 3 games
Championship Series:
AL: Detroit over Yanks in 6 games
NL: Cubs over Dodgers in 7 games
World Series:
Detroit over Cubs in 5 games
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
2008 Fantasy Baseball Predictions
Amid PED accusations, foreign substance spitball allegations, and general shady-doucheness, Zaaq's Brookyln brigade won our fantasy keeper league in 2007. This crime against nature ends now. My Excalibur to purge the land of this Saxonesque menace, you ask? My 2008 fantasy player rankings. May God have mercy on the Brigade's souless flesh bag.
1. Alex Rodriguez, NY 3B
2. Prince Fielder, Mil 1B
3. Miguel Cabrera, Det 3B
4. Matt Holliday, Col OF
5. Chase Utley, Phi 2B
6. Hanley Ramirez, Fla SS
7. Alfonso Soriano, ChC OF
8. David Wright, NYM 3B
9. Carl Crawford, TB OF
10. Jimmy Rollins, Phi SS
11. Johan Santana, NYM SP
12. David Ortiz, Bos DH
13. Jose Reyes, NYM SS
14. Jake Peavy, SD SP
15. Ryan Howard, Phi 1B
16. Brandon Phillips, Cin 2B
17. Carlos Beltran, NYM OF
18. Grady Sizemore, Cle OF
19. Carlos Lee, Hou OF
20. Vladimir Guerrero, LAA OF, DH
21. Victor Martinez, Cle C, 1B
22. Manny Ramirez, Bos, OF
23. Mark Teixeira, Atl 1B
24. Erik Bedard, Sea SP
25. Justin Morneau, Min 1B
26. Magglio Ordonez, Det OF
27. Lance Berkman, Hou 1B, OF
28. Josh Beckett, Bos SP
29. Albert Pujols, StL 1B
30. B.J. Upton, TB 2B, OF
31. Troy Tulowitzki, Col SS
32. Chone Figgins, LAA 3B
33. Carlos Guillen, Det SS, 1B
34. Derek Jeter, NYY SS
35. C.C. Sabathia, Cle SP
36. Ichiro Suzuki, Sea OF
37. Cole Hamels, Phi SP
38. Ryan Braun, Mil 3B
39. Brandon Webb, Ari SP
40. Jeff Francoeur, Atl OF
41. Curtis Granderson, Det OF
42. Russell Martin, LAD C
43. Adam Dunn, Cin OF
44. Dan Haren, Ari SP
45. Aramis Ramirez, ChC 3B
46. Travis Hafner, Cle DH
47. Robinson Cano, NYY 2B
48. Scott Kazmir, TB SP
49. Garrett Atkins, Col 3B
50. Bobby Abreu, NYY OF
51. Nick Markakis, Bal OF
52. Justin Verlander, Det SP
53. Carlos Pena, TB 1B
54. Corey Hart, Mil OF
55. Brad Hawpe, Col OF
56. Joe Mauer, Min C
57. Alex Rios, Tor OF
58. Brian Roberts, Bal 2B
59. Dan Uggla, Fla 2B
60. Aaron Harang, Cin SP
61. Ryan Zimmerman, Was 3B
62. Roy Oswalt, Hou SP
63. Chris Young, SD SP
64. Orlando Cabrera, CWS SS
65. Adrian Beltre, Sea 3B
66. Chipper Jones, Atl 3B
67. Torii Hunter, LAA OF
68. Paul Konerko, CWS 1B
69. Eric Byrnes, Ari OF
70. Edgar Renteria, Det SS
71. Derrek Lee, ChC 1B
72. Carlos Zambrano, ChC SP
73. Gary Sheffield, Det DH
74. Adrian Gonzalez, SD 1B
75. Jim Thome, CWS DH
76. Miguel Tejada, Hou SS
77. Joe Blanton, Oak SP
78. Jonathan Papelbon, Bos RP
79. Josh Hamilton, Tex OF
80. Rafael Furcal, LAD SS
81. Felix Hernandez, Sea SP
82. Hunter Pence, Hou OF
83. Vernon Wells, Tor OF
84. J.J. Putz, Sea RP
85. Jeremy Hermida, Fla OF
86. John Smoltz, Atl SP
87. Johnny Damon, NYY OF, DH
88. Fausto Carmona, Cle SP
89. Joe Nathan, Min RP
90. Brian McCann, Atl C
91. Roy Halladay, Tor SP
92. Shane Victorino, Phi OF
93. Dustin McGowan, Tor SP
94. Chris Young, Ari OF
95. Ian Kinsler, Tex 2B
96. Michael Young, Tex SS
97. John Lackey, LAA SP
98. Andruw Jones, LAD OF
99. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA RP
100. Jhonny Peralta, Cle SS
101. Ben Sheets, Mil SP
102. Todd Helton, Col 1B
103Mariano Rivera, NYY RP
104. Nick Swisher, CWS 1B, OF
105. Rich Harden, Oak SP
106. Jermaine Dye, CWS OF
107. Javier Vazquez, CWS SP
108. Jason Bay, Pit OF
109. Daisuke Matsuzaka, Bos SP
110. Placido Polanco, Det 2B
111. Tim Hudson, Atl SP
112. Howie Kendrick, LAA 2B
113. John Maine, NYM SP
114. Jorge Posada, NYY C
115. Delmon Young, Min OF
116. Takashi Saito, LAD RP
117. Justin Upton, Ari OF
118. Rich Hill, ChC SP
119. Ryan Garko, Cle 1B
120.Yovani Gallardo*, Mil SP
121. James Shields, TB SP
122. Hideki Matsui, NYY OF, DH
123. Matt Kemp, LAD OF
124. Bad Sunglasses
125. Zaaq
1. Alex Rodriguez, NY 3B
2. Prince Fielder, Mil 1B
3. Miguel Cabrera, Det 3B
4. Matt Holliday, Col OF
5. Chase Utley, Phi 2B
6. Hanley Ramirez, Fla SS
7. Alfonso Soriano, ChC OF
8. David Wright, NYM 3B
9. Carl Crawford, TB OF
10. Jimmy Rollins, Phi SS
11. Johan Santana, NYM SP
12. David Ortiz, Bos DH
13. Jose Reyes, NYM SS
14. Jake Peavy, SD SP
15. Ryan Howard, Phi 1B
16. Brandon Phillips, Cin 2B
17. Carlos Beltran, NYM OF
18. Grady Sizemore, Cle OF
19. Carlos Lee, Hou OF
20. Vladimir Guerrero, LAA OF, DH
21. Victor Martinez, Cle C, 1B
22. Manny Ramirez, Bos, OF
23. Mark Teixeira, Atl 1B
24. Erik Bedard, Sea SP
25. Justin Morneau, Min 1B
26. Magglio Ordonez, Det OF
27. Lance Berkman, Hou 1B, OF
28. Josh Beckett, Bos SP
29. Albert Pujols, StL 1B
30. B.J. Upton, TB 2B, OF
31. Troy Tulowitzki, Col SS
32. Chone Figgins, LAA 3B
33. Carlos Guillen, Det SS, 1B
34. Derek Jeter, NYY SS
35. C.C. Sabathia, Cle SP
36. Ichiro Suzuki, Sea OF
37. Cole Hamels, Phi SP
38. Ryan Braun, Mil 3B
39. Brandon Webb, Ari SP
40. Jeff Francoeur, Atl OF
41. Curtis Granderson, Det OF
42. Russell Martin, LAD C
43. Adam Dunn, Cin OF
44. Dan Haren, Ari SP
45. Aramis Ramirez, ChC 3B
46. Travis Hafner, Cle DH
47. Robinson Cano, NYY 2B
48. Scott Kazmir, TB SP
49. Garrett Atkins, Col 3B
50. Bobby Abreu, NYY OF
51. Nick Markakis, Bal OF
52. Justin Verlander, Det SP
53. Carlos Pena, TB 1B
54. Corey Hart, Mil OF
55. Brad Hawpe, Col OF
56. Joe Mauer, Min C
57. Alex Rios, Tor OF
58. Brian Roberts, Bal 2B
59. Dan Uggla, Fla 2B
60. Aaron Harang, Cin SP
61. Ryan Zimmerman, Was 3B
62. Roy Oswalt, Hou SP
63. Chris Young, SD SP
64. Orlando Cabrera, CWS SS
65. Adrian Beltre, Sea 3B
66. Chipper Jones, Atl 3B
67. Torii Hunter, LAA OF
68. Paul Konerko, CWS 1B
69. Eric Byrnes, Ari OF
70. Edgar Renteria, Det SS
71. Derrek Lee, ChC 1B
72. Carlos Zambrano, ChC SP
73. Gary Sheffield, Det DH
74. Adrian Gonzalez, SD 1B
75. Jim Thome, CWS DH
76. Miguel Tejada, Hou SS
77. Joe Blanton, Oak SP
78. Jonathan Papelbon, Bos RP
79. Josh Hamilton, Tex OF
80. Rafael Furcal, LAD SS
81. Felix Hernandez, Sea SP
82. Hunter Pence, Hou OF
83. Vernon Wells, Tor OF
84. J.J. Putz, Sea RP
85. Jeremy Hermida, Fla OF
86. John Smoltz, Atl SP
87. Johnny Damon, NYY OF, DH
88. Fausto Carmona, Cle SP
89. Joe Nathan, Min RP
90. Brian McCann, Atl C
91. Roy Halladay, Tor SP
92. Shane Victorino, Phi OF
93. Dustin McGowan, Tor SP
94. Chris Young, Ari OF
95. Ian Kinsler, Tex 2B
96. Michael Young, Tex SS
97. John Lackey, LAA SP
98. Andruw Jones, LAD OF
99. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA RP
100. Jhonny Peralta, Cle SS
101. Ben Sheets, Mil SP
102. Todd Helton, Col 1B
103Mariano Rivera, NYY RP
104. Nick Swisher, CWS 1B, OF
105. Rich Harden, Oak SP
106. Jermaine Dye, CWS OF
107. Javier Vazquez, CWS SP
108. Jason Bay, Pit OF
109. Daisuke Matsuzaka, Bos SP
110. Placido Polanco, Det 2B
111. Tim Hudson, Atl SP
112. Howie Kendrick, LAA 2B
113. John Maine, NYM SP
114. Jorge Posada, NYY C
115. Delmon Young, Min OF
116. Takashi Saito, LAD RP
117. Justin Upton, Ari OF
118. Rich Hill, ChC SP
119. Ryan Garko, Cle 1B
120.Yovani Gallardo*, Mil SP
121. James Shields, TB SP
122. Hideki Matsui, NYY OF, DH
123. Matt Kemp, LAD OF
124. Bad Sunglasses
125. Zaaq
A Gentleman's Bet: Baseball
So BS and I have been forced into a friendly wager as pertaining to the upcoming baseball season by our lecherous and generally suspicious ancestors (see BS' retelling of the story in his post). Suffice it to say, this fish-smelling Mariner will tromp all over BS' fancy booze snifting slave ownin ass.
Our endeavor: Pick the correct order of finish for all 30 MLB teams.
Our wager: a quality mid-range whiskey/bourbon, such as this, or this, or this.
The rules: (1) one point for every team who ends up in the predicted slot, (2) 2 additional points for picking correct division winners, (3) 1 point for picking correct wild card, (4) 3 points for picking correct divisional winners, (5) 4 points for picking correct championship winners, (6) 5 points for WS, (7) one point each for picking correct Cy Young and MVP for each league.
May the best man win!
American League
West (since everyone always lists the East first)
1. Seattle - sure, it's a homer pick... I have many many many many misgivings about this squad, but I think that the 1-2 punch in the lineup is the best in the bigs, and I think there are enough sparks left in the decrepit bunch of men we call our starting lineup that will eek past the Angels.
2. Los Angeles - Praise be to the god of injured pitching arms!
3. Oakland
4. Texas
Central
1. Cleveland - tough call here, but I just think that there are fewer question marks in the Injuns' rotation and bullpen. Good young squad - gonna be a force to be reckoned with in the future, with or without CC.
2. Detroit - too many old guys and injury risks.
3. Minnesota - like always, the twins will be largely unremarkable, but will win games.
4. Kansas City - HEY! The Royals may not finish in the cellar... will wonders never cease?
5. Chicago
East
1. Boston
2. New York - we'll see how those young arms play and how well Girardi runs the show... they could very easily take this division, but as of right now, I think Boston is the safer bet.
3. Tampa Bay - the little guys could flirt with contention... i think 80+ wins isn't out of the question.
4. Toronto
5. Baltimore - Best of luck, Messrs. Jones and Sherrill.
National League
West
1. Arizona
2. Colorado (but boy are they close... I fall back on the adage that pitching wins games, and boy that DBack rotation is solid).
3. San Diego
4. Los Angeles
5. San Francisco
Central
1. Chicago - Sweet Lou screams, yells, kicks dirt and babbles incoherently on their way to the postseason.
2. Milwaukee - Close, but no cigar. Great young talent, but not enough push to get them to October. Plus it doesn't help that Gagne is your closer...
3. Cincinnati
4. Houston
5. St. Louis - Gawd, this team is awful, but I can't bring myself to put them below the Pirates...
6. Pittsburgh
East
1. New York - if Delgado can return to close to form, and if the Santana-Pedro can sustain itself, this could be a tough team. Plus, having Maine and Pelfrey is a pretty decent back end to your rotation. Injuries could decimate this team in a heartbeat, though.
2. Philadelphia
3. Atlanta
4. Florida
5. Washington
AL Wild Card - New York
AL Division Winners: Boston over Seattle in 5 (i want to pick Seattle, cause their rotation is built for playoff series, but they just don't inspire my confidence), Cleveland over New York in 7.
AL Championship Winner: Cleveland in 7
NL Wild Card: Colorado
NL Division: Arizona over Chicago in 6, New York over Colorado in 5
NL Championship Winner: Arizona in 6
World Series: Cleveland in 6.
AL MVP: A-Rod; AL Cy Young: Bedard (by a nose over Verlander)
NL MVP: David Wright; NL Cy Young: Santana
Our endeavor: Pick the correct order of finish for all 30 MLB teams.
Our wager: a quality mid-range whiskey/bourbon, such as this, or this, or this.
The rules: (1) one point for every team who ends up in the predicted slot, (2) 2 additional points for picking correct division winners, (3) 1 point for picking correct wild card, (4) 3 points for picking correct divisional winners, (5) 4 points for picking correct championship winners, (6) 5 points for WS, (7) one point each for picking correct Cy Young and MVP for each league.
May the best man win!
American League
West (since everyone always lists the East first)
1. Seattle - sure, it's a homer pick... I have many many many many misgivings about this squad, but I think that the 1-2 punch in the lineup is the best in the bigs, and I think there are enough sparks left in the decrepit bunch of men we call our starting lineup that will eek past the Angels.
2. Los Angeles - Praise be to the god of injured pitching arms!
3. Oakland
4. Texas
Central
1. Cleveland - tough call here, but I just think that there are fewer question marks in the Injuns' rotation and bullpen. Good young squad - gonna be a force to be reckoned with in the future, with or without CC.
2. Detroit - too many old guys and injury risks.
3. Minnesota - like always, the twins will be largely unremarkable, but will win games.
4. Kansas City - HEY! The Royals may not finish in the cellar... will wonders never cease?
5. Chicago
East
1. Boston
2. New York - we'll see how those young arms play and how well Girardi runs the show... they could very easily take this division, but as of right now, I think Boston is the safer bet.
3. Tampa Bay - the little guys could flirt with contention... i think 80+ wins isn't out of the question.
4. Toronto
5. Baltimore - Best of luck, Messrs. Jones and Sherrill.
National League
West
1. Arizona
2. Colorado (but boy are they close... I fall back on the adage that pitching wins games, and boy that DBack rotation is solid).
3. San Diego
4. Los Angeles
5. San Francisco
Central
1. Chicago - Sweet Lou screams, yells, kicks dirt and babbles incoherently on their way to the postseason.
2. Milwaukee - Close, but no cigar. Great young talent, but not enough push to get them to October. Plus it doesn't help that Gagne is your closer...
3. Cincinnati
4. Houston
5. St. Louis - Gawd, this team is awful, but I can't bring myself to put them below the Pirates...
6. Pittsburgh
East
1. New York - if Delgado can return to close to form, and if the Santana-Pedro can sustain itself, this could be a tough team. Plus, having Maine and Pelfrey is a pretty decent back end to your rotation. Injuries could decimate this team in a heartbeat, though.
2. Philadelphia
3. Atlanta
4. Florida
5. Washington
AL Wild Card - New York
AL Division Winners: Boston over Seattle in 5 (i want to pick Seattle, cause their rotation is built for playoff series, but they just don't inspire my confidence), Cleveland over New York in 7.
AL Championship Winner: Cleveland in 7
NL Wild Card: Colorado
NL Division: Arizona over Chicago in 6, New York over Colorado in 5
NL Championship Winner: Arizona in 6
World Series: Cleveland in 6.
AL MVP: A-Rod; AL Cy Young: Bedard (by a nose over Verlander)
NL MVP: David Wright; NL Cy Young: Santana
Blissful Ignorance
Unlike the obvious attention that BS pays to college hoops, I know nigh on nothing. I have lost all interest in basketball in the last 5-8 years, and I am not really dying to get it back. It is certainly among the more exciting sports, but I think it feels too much like a sugar rush to me - i prefer my sports like my novels: slow, complex, and full of interweaving machinations. Basketball is surely complex and interweaving, but i don't know, it just doesn't grab me anymore.
That being said, the NCAA tournament is among the greatest sporting events in existence. Without fail, it is exciting and unpredictable every year. Strange things happen to players and fans alike. And what makes it unique amongst all other sporting events with the exception of perhaps the Olympics is that it has a great draw amongst non-fans.
Take, for example, me. I filled out a bracket knowing very little other than what I gleaned from BS in his well worded and voluminous posts on the subject, the random ESPN headline, and rudimentary knowledge of some of the college divisions. In hindsight, i stuck mostly to higher seeds, but made several upset predictions and when in doubt went with a Pac-10 team.
Turns out I'm in first place in my office pool! Not only that, but I'm just behind the guy who has the most potential points in the pool as well. Enough to make me pay attention this weekend, to say the least!
Go Bruins!
That being said, the NCAA tournament is among the greatest sporting events in existence. Without fail, it is exciting and unpredictable every year. Strange things happen to players and fans alike. And what makes it unique amongst all other sporting events with the exception of perhaps the Olympics is that it has a great draw amongst non-fans.
Take, for example, me. I filled out a bracket knowing very little other than what I gleaned from BS in his well worded and voluminous posts on the subject, the random ESPN headline, and rudimentary knowledge of some of the college divisions. In hindsight, i stuck mostly to higher seeds, but made several upset predictions and when in doubt went with a Pac-10 team.
Turns out I'm in first place in my office pool! Not only that, but I'm just behind the guy who has the most potential points in the pool as well. Enough to make me pay attention this weekend, to say the least!
Go Bruins!
The Fundementals
As good as UNC looked last night, and believe me they looked good, they still haven't solved the main offensive problems that led to their ouster last year in the elite eight. Mainly reversing the ball when teams over-play one side, and passing out of the double team.
Georgetown killed UNC in the second half of last years regional final game, by double teaming the post and pressuring the outside by dropping off the weak side of Carolina's offense. This is a textbook defense which has a textbook counter tactic: reverse the ball around to the opposite/weak side from where the overload of pressure is with quick passes and as few dribbles as possible.
Unfortunately for Carolina, one of Tyler Hansbrough's two main weakness is passing out of the double team ( the other being an inability to counter the force of gravity). So after getting ousted by an inferior team last year who doggedly used this overplaying defense to get back in the game and win in over-time, you would think Carolina would fix this fatal flaw. You might also think that the Pentagon could find somebody besides a 22 year old to supply our troops in Afghanistan with Ammo ( you'd be wrong on that too). Tyler still seems surprised, and overwhelmed every time the double team comes his way. He misses cutters so much, that his teammates have stopped trying to roll to the basket. Instead they circle out to the three point line on his same side; the side with all the defensive pressure.
But even when the Tar Heels get the ball back out of the post, rarely do you see the quick swing passes that would find a shooter open an the weak side for an uncontested jumper. or a pump-fake followed by an open lane to the basket. Too much dribbling on the perimeter, and too much forcing of the ball into the post on one side of the defense, characterizes UNC's offense.
Granted on most nights, the Heels have too many horses for most teams to match up with. But prime-time starts Saturday with the match-up against Louisville, and won't get any easier after that. For a team with this much talent, it would be a shame to see them lose because of something as controllable as the fundamentals.
Georgetown killed UNC in the second half of last years regional final game, by double teaming the post and pressuring the outside by dropping off the weak side of Carolina's offense. This is a textbook defense which has a textbook counter tactic: reverse the ball around to the opposite/weak side from where the overload of pressure is with quick passes and as few dribbles as possible.
Unfortunately for Carolina, one of Tyler Hansbrough's two main weakness is passing out of the double team ( the other being an inability to counter the force of gravity). So after getting ousted by an inferior team last year who doggedly used this overplaying defense to get back in the game and win in over-time, you would think Carolina would fix this fatal flaw. You might also think that the Pentagon could find somebody besides a 22 year old to supply our troops in Afghanistan with Ammo ( you'd be wrong on that too). Tyler still seems surprised, and overwhelmed every time the double team comes his way. He misses cutters so much, that his teammates have stopped trying to roll to the basket. Instead they circle out to the three point line on his same side; the side with all the defensive pressure.
But even when the Tar Heels get the ball back out of the post, rarely do you see the quick swing passes that would find a shooter open an the weak side for an uncontested jumper. or a pump-fake followed by an open lane to the basket. Too much dribbling on the perimeter, and too much forcing of the ball into the post on one side of the defense, characterizes UNC's offense.
Granted on most nights, the Heels have too many horses for most teams to match up with. But prime-time starts Saturday with the match-up against Louisville, and won't get any easier after that. For a team with this much talent, it would be a shame to see them lose because of something as controllable as the fundamentals.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Comeuppence
Like most of America, my bracket took a spiked boot to the groin this weekend. Siena, really? Anyway I'm salved in the knowledge that all of my final four picks are alive, seven of my elite eight picks are still playing, ten of the sweet sixteen are accurate, and I've got a one hundred and thirty dollar bottle bourbon to sip on: Pappy Van Winkle, and it's worth every penny.
But I've got to mention the thing that stood out most for me: the early exit of once dominating Duke and Connecticut. These two teams have ample tournament history against one another, with UConn. surprisingly coming out on top: winning the National Title Game against Duke in '99 and beating Duke in the Final Four in 2004. Astonishingly for both programs, they've been traveling down the sad road to Suck-Town ever since. Even more painfully, their precipitous drop can be directly tied to the reassertion of power by former top dogs, and main rivals Georgetown and North Carolina.
Both the Hoyas and The Tar Heels suffered after the retirement of their uber Paters, Dean Smith and John Thompson. Their programs were able to reenergize by bringing in coaches with close ties, Roy Williams and J.T.the third. The recruits who once came to the Carthage of Duke and Connecticut, now go to the resurgent Roman powers of UNC and Georgetown.
On thing I am sure of; nobody's gonna be crying for the likes of Mike Krzyzewski, and Jim Calhoun: the Tango and Cash or Starsky and Hutch of College basketball. These two self-important blow hards have never failed to let anyone with working sensory organs know that they are responsible for the success of their programs. And of course now that both have crashed like the Hindenburg it's not anything they've done wrong. It's because their players don't make shots, or aren't ready to play( Billy Donavon of Florida also seems poised to join their ranks). Hey, both programs are could pick up a big recruit and make a huge run soon, and probably will. That won't change the fact both Calhoun and Coach K. have been exposed during this period of mediocrity as icy megalomaniacs who aren't above throwing some teenagers under the bus if it keep some polish on their resumes.
But I've got to mention the thing that stood out most for me: the early exit of once dominating Duke and Connecticut. These two teams have ample tournament history against one another, with UConn. surprisingly coming out on top: winning the National Title Game against Duke in '99 and beating Duke in the Final Four in 2004. Astonishingly for both programs, they've been traveling down the sad road to Suck-Town ever since. Even more painfully, their precipitous drop can be directly tied to the reassertion of power by former top dogs, and main rivals Georgetown and North Carolina.
Both the Hoyas and The Tar Heels suffered after the retirement of their uber Paters, Dean Smith and John Thompson. Their programs were able to reenergize by bringing in coaches with close ties, Roy Williams and J.T.the third. The recruits who once came to the Carthage of Duke and Connecticut, now go to the resurgent Roman powers of UNC and Georgetown.
On thing I am sure of; nobody's gonna be crying for the likes of Mike Krzyzewski, and Jim Calhoun: the Tango and Cash or Starsky and Hutch of College basketball. These two self-important blow hards have never failed to let anyone with working sensory organs know that they are responsible for the success of their programs. And of course now that both have crashed like the Hindenburg it's not anything they've done wrong. It's because their players don't make shots, or aren't ready to play( Billy Donavon of Florida also seems poised to join their ranks). Hey, both programs are could pick up a big recruit and make a huge run soon, and probably will. That won't change the fact both Calhoun and Coach K. have been exposed during this period of mediocrity as icy megalomaniacs who aren't above throwing some teenagers under the bus if it keep some polish on their resumes.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
2008 NCAA Selection Commitee Made Up of Aliens, Masons, Vampires, and Duke Alumni
My first memory of March Madness involved my parents cursing at Isiah Thomas. Lifelong UNC Tarheel fans, my Mom and Dad believed the 1981 championship game against Indiana to finally be "The One" for Dean Smith and Carolina; making them forgot the former failed candidates: '67,'68,'69,'72, and the heart breaker in 1977. Things looked pretty good in the first half as Carolina led the entire way. Then the greatest basketball player never to have a nickname( unless you count Fucking Isiah ) came out for the second half and put on an all-time performance: 19 points and four steals.
I was struck, even at that young age, by the passion the game evoked from my parents, especially my normally even-keeled father. Carolina went on to win the title the next year creating an explosion of euphoria in my house that rang my metaphysical bell in such a way that it still reverbs today.
But enough with the waxing poetic on your mental Toyota, and bitching like an old man on the pot who forgot his Newsweek. On with the prognostications!
First of all, only nine teams have a shot at winning the whole thing: UNC, Memphis, UCLA, Kansas,Texas, Tennessee, Georgetown, and Wisconsin. This is not to say that all the final four teams will certainly come from this group, but that these are the only ones with a chance to become the Champ. Louisville, Duke, Pitt and to a lesser extent Clemson all have a chance to make the final four, but they won't win.
North Carolina got screwed by the selection committee this year. UNC was the number one ranked team for thirteen of the nineteen weeks of the season. They still get the strongest two and three seeds of the tourney, Tennessee, and Louisville, in their region. Although much has been made of Carolina's home court advantage, UT's, and to a lesser degree Louisville's, closest advantageous region would be the east. On top of that there is also the potential for an Indiana- UNC game in the second round! Not a welcome thought for Heel fans (memories of '84 welling-up).
The real overall #1 seed, based on regional advantage and strength of opponents is UCLA. They have the weakest two, three, five,six, eight, and nine seeds in the tournament! They also play the first two rounds in their backyard of Anaheim, before potentially traveling to Phoenix for the regional semis and finals. So go ahead and put the Bruins down for their third straight trip to the final four.
Look out for Texas. The committee hooked them up almost as much as UCLA. Granted they are in a top heavy bracket with Memphis, Stanford, and Pitt but check out this advantageous potential road to the title for the Longhorns: play the first two games just across the border in Little Rock, then back home to Texas for the regionals in Houston, and then on to San Antonio for the Final Four. They have potential home court advantage through-out the entire tournament. Throw in an underrated coach, a team that can score inside or out, and you've got the sleeper pick to win it all.
Last and not least, Duke for the umpteenth time in a row, has been placed in the weakest bracket with a relatively easy route to a regional final. This proves once and for all what the majority of Americans have come to believe: The NCAA selection Committee is made up of Aliens, Masons, and Vampires. As these groups of sinister blood suckers overwhelmingly make up the Duke Alumni (Mike"I don't look at myself as a basketball coach. I look at myself as a leader who happens to coach basketball" Krzyzewski is actually all three), it only makes sense that they would pull the strings necessary to give the "Devils"( no coincidence) a leg up.
Well too bad sinister would-be world dominator's; you're plan-- to convince the world that spoiled, whiny, white guys who shoot threes, and play dirty have the best chance to win basketball tournaments--will fail! The world is on to you. Go Heels!
By the way here's a copy of the winning bracket. Feel free to copy.
I was struck, even at that young age, by the passion the game evoked from my parents, especially my normally even-keeled father. Carolina went on to win the title the next year creating an explosion of euphoria in my house that rang my metaphysical bell in such a way that it still reverbs today.
But enough with the waxing poetic on your mental Toyota, and bitching like an old man on the pot who forgot his Newsweek. On with the prognostications!
First of all, only nine teams have a shot at winning the whole thing: UNC, Memphis, UCLA, Kansas,Texas, Tennessee, Georgetown, and Wisconsin. This is not to say that all the final four teams will certainly come from this group, but that these are the only ones with a chance to become the Champ. Louisville, Duke, Pitt and to a lesser extent Clemson all have a chance to make the final four, but they won't win.
North Carolina got screwed by the selection committee this year. UNC was the number one ranked team for thirteen of the nineteen weeks of the season. They still get the strongest two and three seeds of the tourney, Tennessee, and Louisville, in their region. Although much has been made of Carolina's home court advantage, UT's, and to a lesser degree Louisville's, closest advantageous region would be the east. On top of that there is also the potential for an Indiana- UNC game in the second round! Not a welcome thought for Heel fans (memories of '84 welling-up).
The real overall #1 seed, based on regional advantage and strength of opponents is UCLA. They have the weakest two, three, five,six, eight, and nine seeds in the tournament! They also play the first two rounds in their backyard of Anaheim, before potentially traveling to Phoenix for the regional semis and finals. So go ahead and put the Bruins down for their third straight trip to the final four.
Look out for Texas. The committee hooked them up almost as much as UCLA. Granted they are in a top heavy bracket with Memphis, Stanford, and Pitt but check out this advantageous potential road to the title for the Longhorns: play the first two games just across the border in Little Rock, then back home to Texas for the regionals in Houston, and then on to San Antonio for the Final Four. They have potential home court advantage through-out the entire tournament. Throw in an underrated coach, a team that can score inside or out, and you've got the sleeper pick to win it all.
Last and not least, Duke for the umpteenth time in a row, has been placed in the weakest bracket with a relatively easy route to a regional final. This proves once and for all what the majority of Americans have come to believe: The NCAA selection Committee is made up of Aliens, Masons, and Vampires. As these groups of sinister blood suckers overwhelmingly make up the Duke Alumni (Mike"I don't look at myself as a basketball coach. I look at myself as a leader who happens to coach basketball" Krzyzewski is actually all three), it only makes sense that they would pull the strings necessary to give the "Devils"( no coincidence) a leg up.
Well too bad sinister would-be world dominator's; you're plan-- to convince the world that spoiled, whiny, white guys who shoot threes, and play dirty have the best chance to win basketball tournaments--will fail! The world is on to you. Go Heels!
By the way here's a copy of the winning bracket. Feel free to copy.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Racking Up Stats, or Secretly Great?
Spurred on by the BS's (Bad Sunglasses) post the other day, I was glancing around Pro Football Reference, which, with it's counterpart Baseball Reference, are a wonderful, Christmas-morning type sites for anyone with a modicum of interest in stats. Anyway, I was glancing at the career leaders in a few categories and kept seeing names of players I knew were good, but would never have guessed them to be anywhere near the top in any major category.
I'm talking about players like:
I'm talking about players like:
- Curtis Martin, 4th all time leading rusher with 14,101 yards. I mean, I guess he was good. I always remember him being there, but I never remember him being that good. Could be that I lived in the far reaches of the West Coast during his run (no pun intended), but he just kinda quietly racked up a whole bunch of yards for some generally mediocre Jets teams (and a couple solid but not great Patriots teams).
- Jerome Bettis - see also Martin, Curtis. I have pretty similar feelings about Bettis, who clocks in at 5th all time with 13, 662 yards. I guess I have more respect for him, cause he had to haul around that hulkish frame of his to get all those yards, which is pretty impressive, all things considere.
- Dave Krieg - 12th all time leading passer, 38,147 yards. This guy... I tell you what, he led my fearsome Sea Chickens to many a 9-7 season... I would hazard a guess that most of the people in Seattle, where Krieg got the lions' share of those yards, would have a so-so to negative impression of this guy. Sure, I was young at the time, but I seem to remember him fumbling or getting sacked constantly at the worst times of the game. But even he is in the top 15 of ALL TIME, PEOPLE!!! He beats out such luminaries as Steve Young, Phil Simms, and BS's favorite, Troy Aikman.
- Larry Centers - 13th all time leading receiver, 827. First it bears noting that after Jerry Rice, it's a rather precipitous drop off in this category. That being said, a frickin FULLBACK???? On the one hand, you're glad for him, cause obviously he got to be more than the glorified mobile lineman that fullbacks are. Don't get me wrong, i love me a good fullback. Shaun Alexander doesn't rack up his MVP season a few years back without Mack Strong knockin guys down in front of him... It's just that Centers is now ahead such HOFers as Steve Largent, Michael Irvin, James Lofton and Charlie Joiner.
Fundamentally, my question on players like this is always whether they were really that good, or whether they just piled up stats by being mediocre for a really long time. I think thus far the Hall of Fame has done a pretty good job of weeding these statistical freaks out, but it's gonna be hard in the coming years with all the crazy stats people are putting up year in and year out.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Top Five Misconceptions About the N.B.A.
More than any other sports league, the N.B.A. suffers from a widespread image problem named Ron Artest. But it's not the N.B.A.'s fault; Ron chose them, not the other way around. So the following list in no way applies to Mr. Artest, and maybe Stephen Jackson.
5. They Don't Play The Game Right
This is coded speech for: "The league's too black!" The fundamentals of the game have gotten better, but the old men keep talking crap. Because the players today are in better shape and more committed to defense, the old spacing of the game doesn't work. But still the cry goes out for the mid-range jumper. The truth is that the game has changed to accentuate versatility, where it used to reward compatibility. The league used to look for for square pegs for square holes, round pegs for round holes, etc.... Now it demands the same high skill set 1-5.
Baseball has been down this road in reverse, with the introduction of Babe Ruth. Before the Babe, batters 1-9 hit pretty much the same: like slapping rabbits. After the Babe, Managers started the heavy specialization of the batting line-up we see today.
In the N.B.A., it was Michael Jordan who brought the revolution. Jordans demanding nature caused Jerry Krause to build the first N.B.A. team as we know it today: the '96 Bulls. When Phil Jackson played Jordan, Pippen, Harper, Rodman, and Kukoc together they didn't beat teams as much as send them into a metaphysical tailspin.
The whole league is constructed with this modern model in mind now. That's why Shawn Marion, a poor man's Scottie Pippen can be traded for Shaq. Something you'd never have seen in Adolf Rupp's day.
4. David Stern is the Best Commissioner in Sports
The Game has suffered from the reactionary David Stern, who embraced the Hip-Hop movement in the N.B.A. when he first heard Two Live Crew, but then rejected it soon after he met Old Dirty Bastard at a pool party. Stern has floundered since the late nineties, throwing so much shit against the wall you'd think it was a Spartan wrestling hall: Canadian franchises, the W.N.B.A., the new ball, the dress code, that team in Memphis, and most importantly his acquiescence to every owner except Mark Cuban, the one guy who seems to make the most sense. The man is less the Allen Greenspan of sports, than the Henry Kissinger.
3. The Players are Thugs
So much has been said about this myth, that I hesitate to even talk about it. And yet until this year, the "Thug" myth would have ranked as a top issue for the N.B.A.. But Pacman Jones and Mike Vick stepped up, setting the record straight for America this year, giving the NBA breathing room.
Never forget, the N.B.A. is the elite league for North American athletes and increasingly the world. If you ever wonder where the next Jessie Owens, or Steve Yzerman is; he is out back practicing his left hand layup. As the Ivy League of North American Sports, the N.B.A. gathers only the few. Deion Sanders played Baseball and Football, but if he had his choice, he'd be a basketball player.
2. It's a Players League
This criticism seems to stick because the N.B.A.'s players are more famous than other sports leagues', creating an image of a bunch of Paris Hilton's shooting jump shots. In fact, the N.B.A. is more like a Dickensian orphanage, than a Marxist playground. With it's small number of participants creating an insular cultish environment, no sport is as over-coached as basketball( see Johnson, Avery). Unlike Baseball, which has a contested, muddy origin, Basketball has a tidy, verifiable beginning; like Mormonism ( that's a blog unto itself). This codified starting point allows dictatorial coaches everywhere to harken back to the peach baskets of James Naismith, every time Allen Iverson breaks ankles with his cross-over dribble. Baseball players are so powerful that Managers are reduced to buying them lunches (see Baker, Dusty). In the N.B.A., George Karl still has a job, but is still holding-off on the little under-nose moustache.
1. They Don't Play Hard
This is the most baffling criticism. In a world where office workers surf the web 25 minutes out of every hour, union workers aren't allowed to climb a ladder, and hung-over baristas roll their eyes when you order a caramel macchiato ("You know that's not a real macchiato, right?"-Yeah I do, and I also know that a barista's not a real job for A THIRTY YEAR OLD!). NBA players who run more than any sport except soccer players (who don't have to deal with the rigors of jumping on hardwood), play longer seasons than anybody but baseball players (who get to stand around a lot and in whose game a walk is a good thing), and unlike football and baseball, don't wear any pads or protection (and it's not like it wouldn't help).
Kobe Bryant is currently playing with a broken finger on his shooting hand. Grant Hill is still playing after having about eighty-two ankle surgeries (seriously, the man's ankle bones are reduced to 1/100 ratio of bone to aluminum). Dikembe Mutombo is 42 and he still runs up and down for the Rockets. The league is filled with players whose only cartilage in their legs has been implanted from a cadaver.
It's also "routine" for players to undergo the horrific Microfracture surgery. This surgery involves multiple fractures "created" with an awl in the adjacent bones of the knee, allowing blood and bone marrow (containing stem cells) to seep out which they hope will clot and eventually form new cartilage. Yes, you read that right, an awl, not a drill or any other modern instrument, but a fucking caveman created awl! Why don't they trepan the guy's skull for fun while they've got him under as well! So basically doctors are shanking patients' knees like Adebisi from Oz, in hopes that the knee will realize that the joint is a dangerous place and get some protection. NBA players are voluntarily getting this surgery, some on both knees, so they can get back on the court, even though their contracts are guaranteed and they get paid whether they play again or not. So the next time your hand is sore from too many taps on the keyboard, and you feel like you need some rest-do what an NBA player would do. Stab yourself between the knuckles with an icepick in hopes that it might help you type faster when it heals.
5. They Don't Play The Game Right
This is coded speech for: "The league's too black!" The fundamentals of the game have gotten better, but the old men keep talking crap. Because the players today are in better shape and more committed to defense, the old spacing of the game doesn't work. But still the cry goes out for the mid-range jumper. The truth is that the game has changed to accentuate versatility, where it used to reward compatibility. The league used to look for for square pegs for square holes, round pegs for round holes, etc.... Now it demands the same high skill set 1-5.
Baseball has been down this road in reverse, with the introduction of Babe Ruth. Before the Babe, batters 1-9 hit pretty much the same: like slapping rabbits. After the Babe, Managers started the heavy specialization of the batting line-up we see today.
In the N.B.A., it was Michael Jordan who brought the revolution. Jordans demanding nature caused Jerry Krause to build the first N.B.A. team as we know it today: the '96 Bulls. When Phil Jackson played Jordan, Pippen, Harper, Rodman, and Kukoc together they didn't beat teams as much as send them into a metaphysical tailspin.
The whole league is constructed with this modern model in mind now. That's why Shawn Marion, a poor man's Scottie Pippen can be traded for Shaq. Something you'd never have seen in Adolf Rupp's day.
4. David Stern is the Best Commissioner in Sports
The Game has suffered from the reactionary David Stern, who embraced the Hip-Hop movement in the N.B.A. when he first heard Two Live Crew, but then rejected it soon after he met Old Dirty Bastard at a pool party. Stern has floundered since the late nineties, throwing so much shit against the wall you'd think it was a Spartan wrestling hall: Canadian franchises, the W.N.B.A., the new ball, the dress code, that team in Memphis, and most importantly his acquiescence to every owner except Mark Cuban, the one guy who seems to make the most sense. The man is less the Allen Greenspan of sports, than the Henry Kissinger.
3. The Players are Thugs
So much has been said about this myth, that I hesitate to even talk about it. And yet until this year, the "Thug" myth would have ranked as a top issue for the N.B.A.. But Pacman Jones and Mike Vick stepped up, setting the record straight for America this year, giving the NBA breathing room.
Never forget, the N.B.A. is the elite league for North American athletes and increasingly the world. If you ever wonder where the next Jessie Owens, or Steve Yzerman is; he is out back practicing his left hand layup. As the Ivy League of North American Sports, the N.B.A. gathers only the few. Deion Sanders played Baseball and Football, but if he had his choice, he'd be a basketball player.
2. It's a Players League
This criticism seems to stick because the N.B.A.'s players are more famous than other sports leagues', creating an image of a bunch of Paris Hilton's shooting jump shots. In fact, the N.B.A. is more like a Dickensian orphanage, than a Marxist playground. With it's small number of participants creating an insular cultish environment, no sport is as over-coached as basketball( see Johnson, Avery). Unlike Baseball, which has a contested, muddy origin, Basketball has a tidy, verifiable beginning; like Mormonism ( that's a blog unto itself). This codified starting point allows dictatorial coaches everywhere to harken back to the peach baskets of James Naismith, every time Allen Iverson breaks ankles with his cross-over dribble. Baseball players are so powerful that Managers are reduced to buying them lunches (see Baker, Dusty). In the N.B.A., George Karl still has a job, but is still holding-off on the little under-nose moustache.
1. They Don't Play Hard
This is the most baffling criticism. In a world where office workers surf the web 25 minutes out of every hour, union workers aren't allowed to climb a ladder, and hung-over baristas roll their eyes when you order a caramel macchiato ("You know that's not a real macchiato, right?"-Yeah I do, and I also know that a barista's not a real job for A THIRTY YEAR OLD!). NBA players who run more than any sport except soccer players (who don't have to deal with the rigors of jumping on hardwood), play longer seasons than anybody but baseball players (who get to stand around a lot and in whose game a walk is a good thing), and unlike football and baseball, don't wear any pads or protection (and it's not like it wouldn't help).
Kobe Bryant is currently playing with a broken finger on his shooting hand. Grant Hill is still playing after having about eighty-two ankle surgeries (seriously, the man's ankle bones are reduced to 1/100 ratio of bone to aluminum). Dikembe Mutombo is 42 and he still runs up and down for the Rockets. The league is filled with players whose only cartilage in their legs has been implanted from a cadaver.
It's also "routine" for players to undergo the horrific Microfracture surgery. This surgery involves multiple fractures "created" with an awl in the adjacent bones of the knee, allowing blood and bone marrow (containing stem cells) to seep out which they hope will clot and eventually form new cartilage. Yes, you read that right, an awl, not a drill or any other modern instrument, but a fucking caveman created awl! Why don't they trepan the guy's skull for fun while they've got him under as well! So basically doctors are shanking patients' knees like Adebisi from Oz, in hopes that the knee will realize that the joint is a dangerous place and get some protection. NBA players are voluntarily getting this surgery, some on both knees, so they can get back on the court, even though their contracts are guaranteed and they get paid whether they play again or not. So the next time your hand is sore from too many taps on the keyboard, and you feel like you need some rest-do what an NBA player would do. Stab yourself between the knuckles with an icepick in hopes that it might help you type faster when it heals.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Brett Favre- The Beeramid of Pro Football History
Stumbled upon by some great Pabst, or Schlitz enthusiast of our post-industrial past, The Beeramid stands as a testament to hollow accomplishments. A rite of American youth: cheap canned beer stacked like an Egyptian tomb. And like Brett Favre's career, celebrated as historic by unwary individuals.
I never got the whole Favre thing. His "exuberance" never charmed me, and always seemed more like showboating. The media gave him a pass on this. Whatever. I can't help feeling that if Favre were black, he'd be lumped in with T.O. or Michael Irving, as the pampered egotist who smears success in his opponents faces.
Sure Favre's got impressive numbers and holds numerous records but, like, this is football not baseball. The numbers don't tell as complete a story in football as they do in baseball. Big career passing yard Quarterbacks played in offenses that depended on them throwing the ball and didn't play with a great running back most of their careers. Of the top Qb's in career passing yards, you have to drop all the way down to Johnny Unitas at number eleven before you get to another Hall-of-Famer in the back-field (Lenny Moore, who spent half of his career as a receiver and the rest catching balls out of the backfield). So in that light, Favre is the king of the unbalanced offense.
By far Favre's most impressive record is the consecutive games played streak. But the truth is that the only reason any player, in any sport, holds a consecutive games played record is that people like them. You don't let a douche bag play when they're hurt. In this respect, consecutive games played is the opposite of the record for most hits in baseball: it is a collective obsession as opposed to a personal one ( also the Hit Kings, Cobb, and Rose, are first-ballot, hall-of-fame douche bags). If Favre acted like say Jeff George, his coach would be dying to give somebody else a chance to play, if only to stick it to the fucking guy. The Same held true for Ripkin and Gehrig; people liked them, and were willing to help them when they needed it. But unlike Ripkin and Gehrig, Favre's diminished effectiveness as he got older was rarely connected with the lack of rest and recovery the streak created.
But what is the correct criteria for the best QB of all time? If you take it by the numbers, Favre's right there. A closer look, keeping his interceptions in mind, paints a picture of an all or nothing player; a Chris Moneymaker type who kept going all-in no matter what cards he's holding. You can almost hear the inner monologue of the opposing DB's, when Favre threw another ball up for grabs: "Again? This mother-fucker's crazy!"
If you judge by the less empirical aesthetics of football, Favre's case is weaker. There are some "Big Game Wins" but more on Monday night, than in January. There are fewer comebacks with Favre, and far too many important give-aways. He does have the one Super Bowl win, but he also has a Super Bowl loss.
Only a few guys played in multiple Super Bowls and never lost: Starr in the sixties, Bradshaw in the seventies, Montana in the eighties, Aikman in the nineties. Brady was poised to continue this decade trend until he lost this year, putting him in a second tier with Len Dawson, Johnny Unitas, Bob Griese, Roger Staubach, and then after twenty years, Brett Favre, who's loss also enabled John Elway to join the group; a double whammy.
When Favre started piling up the numbers and refusing to retire while playing for bad teams late in his career, it was by then an Old Chestnut. We'd seen this recently in Baseball with Clemens and Bonds, the modern athlete padding his all time stats in plain sight. It became obvious why he was sticking around. So when he finally gets his records, and surprise, surprise, a winning team, what does he do? He retires, because what he'd been really after for five years was Marino.
Favre's magical numbers are a result of people liking him, and enabling him t chuck it down field long after he should have been home cutting the grass. It's like the Beeramid. Sure it's sweet when you top it off with the final crowning empty can. But shouldn't you have stopped drinking four beers ago?
I never got the whole Favre thing. His "exuberance" never charmed me, and always seemed more like showboating. The media gave him a pass on this. Whatever. I can't help feeling that if Favre were black, he'd be lumped in with T.O. or Michael Irving, as the pampered egotist who smears success in his opponents faces.
Sure Favre's got impressive numbers and holds numerous records but, like, this is football not baseball. The numbers don't tell as complete a story in football as they do in baseball. Big career passing yard Quarterbacks played in offenses that depended on them throwing the ball and didn't play with a great running back most of their careers. Of the top Qb's in career passing yards, you have to drop all the way down to Johnny Unitas at number eleven before you get to another Hall-of-Famer in the back-field (Lenny Moore, who spent half of his career as a receiver and the rest catching balls out of the backfield). So in that light, Favre is the king of the unbalanced offense.
By far Favre's most impressive record is the consecutive games played streak. But the truth is that the only reason any player, in any sport, holds a consecutive games played record is that people like them. You don't let a douche bag play when they're hurt. In this respect, consecutive games played is the opposite of the record for most hits in baseball: it is a collective obsession as opposed to a personal one ( also the Hit Kings, Cobb, and Rose, are first-ballot, hall-of-fame douche bags). If Favre acted like say Jeff George, his coach would be dying to give somebody else a chance to play, if only to stick it to the fucking guy. The Same held true for Ripkin and Gehrig; people liked them, and were willing to help them when they needed it. But unlike Ripkin and Gehrig, Favre's diminished effectiveness as he got older was rarely connected with the lack of rest and recovery the streak created.
But what is the correct criteria for the best QB of all time? If you take it by the numbers, Favre's right there. A closer look, keeping his interceptions in mind, paints a picture of an all or nothing player; a Chris Moneymaker type who kept going all-in no matter what cards he's holding. You can almost hear the inner monologue of the opposing DB's, when Favre threw another ball up for grabs: "Again? This mother-fucker's crazy!"
If you judge by the less empirical aesthetics of football, Favre's case is weaker. There are some "Big Game Wins" but more on Monday night, than in January. There are fewer comebacks with Favre, and far too many important give-aways. He does have the one Super Bowl win, but he also has a Super Bowl loss.
Only a few guys played in multiple Super Bowls and never lost: Starr in the sixties, Bradshaw in the seventies, Montana in the eighties, Aikman in the nineties. Brady was poised to continue this decade trend until he lost this year, putting him in a second tier with Len Dawson, Johnny Unitas, Bob Griese, Roger Staubach, and then after twenty years, Brett Favre, who's loss also enabled John Elway to join the group; a double whammy.
When Favre started piling up the numbers and refusing to retire while playing for bad teams late in his career, it was by then an Old Chestnut. We'd seen this recently in Baseball with Clemens and Bonds, the modern athlete padding his all time stats in plain sight. It became obvious why he was sticking around. So when he finally gets his records, and surprise, surprise, a winning team, what does he do? He retires, because what he'd been really after for five years was Marino.
Favre's magical numbers are a result of people liking him, and enabling him t chuck it down field long after he should have been home cutting the grass. It's like the Beeramid. Sure it's sweet when you top it off with the final crowning empty can. But shouldn't you have stopped drinking four beers ago?
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