More than any other sports league, the N.B.A. suffers from a widespread image problem named Ron Artest. But it's not the N.B.A.'s fault; Ron chose them, not the other way around. So the following list in no way applies to Mr. Artest, and maybe Stephen Jackson.
5. They Don't Play The Game Right
This is coded speech for: "The league's too black!" The fundamentals of the game have gotten better, but the old men keep talking crap. Because the players today are in better shape and more committed to defense, the old spacing of the game doesn't work. But still the cry goes out for the mid-range jumper. The truth is that the game has changed to accentuate versatility, where it used to reward compatibility. The league used to look for for square pegs for square holes, round pegs for round holes, etc.... Now it demands the same high skill set 1-5.
Baseball has been down this road in reverse, with the introduction of Babe Ruth. Before the Babe, batters 1-9 hit pretty much the same: like slapping rabbits. After the Babe, Managers started the heavy specialization of the batting line-up we see today.
In the N.B.A., it was Michael Jordan who brought the revolution. Jordans demanding nature caused Jerry Krause to build the first N.B.A. team as we know it today: the '96 Bulls. When Phil Jackson played Jordan, Pippen, Harper, Rodman, and Kukoc together they didn't beat teams as much as send them into a metaphysical tailspin.
The whole league is constructed with this modern model in mind now. That's why Shawn Marion, a poor man's Scottie Pippen can be traded for Shaq. Something you'd never have seen in Adolf Rupp's day.
4. David Stern is the Best Commissioner in Sports
The Game has suffered from the reactionary David Stern, who embraced the Hip-Hop movement in the N.B.A. when he first heard Two Live Crew, but then rejected it soon after he met Old Dirty Bastard at a pool party. Stern has floundered since the late nineties, throwing so much shit against the wall you'd think it was a Spartan wrestling hall: Canadian franchises, the W.N.B.A., the new ball, the dress code, that team in Memphis, and most importantly his acquiescence to every owner except Mark Cuban, the one guy who seems to make the most sense. The man is less the Allen Greenspan of sports, than the Henry Kissinger.
3. The Players are Thugs
So much has been said about this myth, that I hesitate to even talk about it. And yet until this year, the "Thug" myth would have ranked as a top issue for the N.B.A.. But Pacman Jones and Mike Vick stepped up, setting the record straight for America this year, giving the NBA breathing room.
Never forget, the N.B.A. is the elite league for North American athletes and increasingly the world. If you ever wonder where the next Jessie Owens, or Steve Yzerman is; he is out back practicing his left hand layup. As the Ivy League of North American Sports, the N.B.A. gathers only the few. Deion Sanders played Baseball and Football, but if he had his choice, he'd be a basketball player.
2. It's a Players League
This criticism seems to stick because the N.B.A.'s players are more famous than other sports leagues', creating an image of a bunch of Paris Hilton's shooting jump shots. In fact, the N.B.A. is more like a Dickensian orphanage, than a Marxist playground. With it's small number of participants creating an insular cultish environment, no sport is as over-coached as basketball( see Johnson, Avery). Unlike Baseball, which has a contested, muddy origin, Basketball has a tidy, verifiable beginning; like Mormonism ( that's a blog unto itself). This codified starting point allows dictatorial coaches everywhere to harken back to the peach baskets of James Naismith, every time Allen Iverson breaks ankles with his cross-over dribble. Baseball players are so powerful that Managers are reduced to buying them lunches (see Baker, Dusty). In the N.B.A., George Karl still has a job, but is still holding-off on the little under-nose moustache.
1. They Don't Play Hard
This is the most baffling criticism. In a world where office workers surf the web 25 minutes out of every hour, union workers aren't allowed to climb a ladder, and hung-over baristas roll their eyes when you order a caramel macchiato ("You know that's not a real macchiato, right?"-Yeah I do, and I also know that a barista's not a real job for A THIRTY YEAR OLD!). NBA players who run more than any sport except soccer players (who don't have to deal with the rigors of jumping on hardwood), play longer seasons than anybody but baseball players (who get to stand around a lot and in whose game a walk is a good thing), and unlike football and baseball, don't wear any pads or protection (and it's not like it wouldn't help).
Kobe Bryant is currently playing with a broken finger on his shooting hand. Grant Hill is still playing after having about eighty-two ankle surgeries (seriously, the man's ankle bones are reduced to 1/100 ratio of bone to aluminum). Dikembe Mutombo is 42 and he still runs up and down for the Rockets. The league is filled with players whose only cartilage in their legs has been implanted from a cadaver.
It's also "routine" for players to undergo the horrific Microfracture surgery. This surgery involves multiple fractures "created" with an awl in the adjacent bones of the knee, allowing blood and bone marrow (containing stem cells) to seep out which they hope will clot and eventually form new cartilage. Yes, you read that right, an awl, not a drill or any other modern instrument, but a fucking caveman created awl! Why don't they trepan the guy's skull for fun while they've got him under as well! So basically doctors are shanking patients' knees like Adebisi from Oz, in hopes that the knee will realize that the joint is a dangerous place and get some protection. NBA players are voluntarily getting this surgery, some on both knees, so they can get back on the court, even though their contracts are guaranteed and they get paid whether they play again or not. So the next time your hand is sore from too many taps on the keyboard, and you feel like you need some rest-do what an NBA player would do. Stab yourself between the knuckles with an icepick in hopes that it might help you type faster when it heals.
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