The NBA's not back, but it's on the right path for the first time since the early 90s. These playoffs have produced some solidly dramatic, if not terribly memorable moments.
This lack of a defining moment has been especially punctuated by the three game sevens played so far. Each of these clinching games has proven anticlimactic in their lack of competitiveness, and more unfortunately,they have been the worst played games of each respective series. Not exactly the perfect formula for grabbing the casual viewers who tend to tune in for elimination games.
Boston's performance in their two series has been underwhelming. Owners of the best record in the league, as well as the most homers in the media, the Celtics have now been exposed as an extremely limited, if not fatally flawed, offensive team. Their defense on the other hand has held up better in the playoffs, but only at home. Boston has always been the hardest place in the NBA for an opposing team to get a call, and this year is no different. But even the calls at home can't get them easy buckets. I can't remember a favorite that has had to work this hard to score. If they go on to win the title, they will undoubtedly be the most offensively limited team in my lifetime to win the title.
These Celtics remind me a lot of the mid-nineties Knicks; not a championship comparison, but not a slap in the face. Those Knicks are still respected as great, influential teams who played hard and never gave an inch. They could also be viewed as the best team of the nineties not to win it all; topping Barkley's '93 Suns, Brad Daugherty's '92 Cavaliers( the most underrated team of the nineties)Shaq's '95 Magic, Kemp's '96 Supersonics, and Malone's '97 Jazz.
Those Knicks, a better team than these Celtics in my mind, were ultimately betrayed by their inability to get easy baskets. Both teams had young emerging scorers at the point in Starks, and Rondo ( Starks was better), a Hall of Fame post player starting the down side of his career, yet still effective, and a fading All-Star shooter who has suddenly lost his range ( Rolando Blackman, and Ray Allen; basically a push).
Neither team runs well, outside of the one man-Starks, Rondo- break. Both teams' spacing is compromised by their shooter's (Blackman, Allen) post-season inability to knock down open shots. These roster flaws make it imperative for the HOF post player to take over every game, ala Hakeem. But unlike Hakeem(by far the best athlete of the bunch), Garnett and Ewing where 2 years too old to have that kind of domination in the tank anymore.
The Celtics do have Paul Pierce at the 3 whose high end potential is much higher than the Knicks with Anthony Mason( at least scoring wise, Mason was the better rebounder and passer, the defense is a push). But for the Knicks, Charles Oakley is head and shoulders above Kendrick Perkins; it's a country mile comparison.
The Knicks, with Doc Rivers, Greg Anthony, Hubert Davis, and Charles Smith had the much better bench. They also had the better coach, by another wide margin, in Pat Riley over the Celtics with Doc Rivers; no comparison.
If the Celtics want to make it to the finals, they will need Allen or Sam Cassell to knock down open shots. The Pistons will continue to pack it in the paint against Garnett's fade-aways, and Pierce's drives until they prove that they can be hurt by the shooters they're leaving open.
My prediction: Allen never gets it together. Cassell plays, but his minutes make Rondo less effective, resulting in a zero to negative impact. Garnett has his moments, but can't take over. Best chance-make the Finals after a tough game seven.
Worst chance-lose in five games to the Pistons with the final game a blow-out in Boston. Most likely-Lose in six games with the final game being decided by 5 point or less.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Well, Call, Premium--MLB in April '08 Part 2
It could very well be the scotch induced dementia, but are the Cardinals, Marlins, and Twins in first place? Round two of the Depth Chart's MLB April retrospective, like all good second rounds, includes shots. Bartender's choice, and don't forget to pick up the tab (just as long as it's not Yukon Jack or Goldslagger).
The Jack Daniels Division: The official drink of Frank Sinatra. A respected brand around the world. One of the few brands of booze that is included in 100% of all bars. But hold on before you give your money to the hooker, Governor. How is Jack Daniels continuing it's great tradition into the 21rst century? By adding more water to the mix, lowering the revered power proof to 80 from 90, just to save a few dollars. Sure JD contends they're doing this to accommodate the laws in certain states that only allow for the sale of spirits at 80 proof or below. The problem is there are no such states, but JD continues to contend there are. Remind you of anybody?
So the next time you order a Jack and Coke, remember you're also acknowledging the existence of WMD's, and the smirking lies of corporate douche bags everywhere. So hop in your Ford Excursion and crack open a Busch Light!
Examples: Yankees, Braves, Dodgers, Mets. Highpoint: The Yankees refusing to trade Phil Hughes or Ian Kennedy for the best pitcher in baseball followed by the two rookies combining to leave an 0-6 in 11 starts, burning shit-bag at the front door of Yankee fans. Well done boys, well done.
The Cuervo Gold Division: I won't drink this shit. The "gold" color is from food coloring, not barrel aging, and it possess the minimum allowed amount of Agave (51%) to be considered Tequila at all! That being said, it's always around, relatively affordable, consistent in its gag-inducing aroma and flavor, and will fuck you down the river on an inner-tube laden with rabid wolverines. Examples: Astros, Blue Jays. Highpoint: The Jays cutting future hall of famer, and notoriously slow starter Frank Thomas. Still on the hook for 7 million of Frank's contract, the Jays got to see him sign for the minimum with Oakland and come within one at bat of hitting for the cycle. I'll need the salt and lime for this one, baby.
The Smirnoff Vodka Division: An absolute bargain(no pun intended). Better tasting than direct price rivals: Sky, Stoli,Absolute,Gordons, et all. A better history than any vodka on the market: the Smirnoffs were the official vodka maker's of the Czar, and were forced to flee to America during the Bolshevik revolution. Had the humbling distinction of marketing itself as "white whiskey" to avoid discrimination during the McCarthy years. Triple distilled and just as smooth as it's pricier rivals, Smirnoff Vodka is probably the best value to price ratio behind the bar, as evidenced by this NY Times review. Examples: Rays, Twins, A's, and Marlins. Highlight: The Rays go 15-12 with their number one pitcher(Kazmir)on the DL for the entire month.
The Patron Division: Over-priced, and over-hyped, but still an undeniable pleasure. There are much better Tequila's on the market, but if you want your date to drink some you'd better order Patron. Actually Patron is a perfect example of how far we come as Americans; fifteen years ago the same could be said of Cuervo Gold. Example: Cubs. Highlight: A sweep of a two game series with the Mets by a combined score of 15-2.
The Makers Mark Division Strong, full and rich in flavor, but maybe a trifle too unbalanced and hot. If Gene Hackman or Bette Davis were a Bourbon they'd be Makers Mark.
Examples: Cardinals, Phillies, Angels. Highlight: Chase Utley leading the majors in home runs and trying to be the third Phillie in a row to win the MVP award (Howard, Rollins).
The Grey Goose Division: You can't escape it. It's way overpriced, is hated by bartenders everywhere(ridiculously heavy bottle), and paired with a Red Bull is the official drink of status-whores everywhere. It's possible that there has never been a bigger bandwagon liquor, or a greater market changing product. Just dominant out of nowhere. It makes me sick. Is it good Vodka? Yes it's good. Is it $50 a bottle good? My ass. Example: The Red Sox. Highlight: They go to Japan to start the season, a notorious April killer, have Big Pappi off to his worst start since he started taking HGH, have Schilling on the DL, and they STILL have the best record in the American League! The Horror...the horror...
The Jack Daniels Division: The official drink of Frank Sinatra. A respected brand around the world. One of the few brands of booze that is included in 100% of all bars. But hold on before you give your money to the hooker, Governor. How is Jack Daniels continuing it's great tradition into the 21rst century? By adding more water to the mix, lowering the revered power proof to 80 from 90, just to save a few dollars. Sure JD contends they're doing this to accommodate the laws in certain states that only allow for the sale of spirits at 80 proof or below. The problem is there are no such states, but JD continues to contend there are. Remind you of anybody?
So the next time you order a Jack and Coke, remember you're also acknowledging the existence of WMD's, and the smirking lies of corporate douche bags everywhere. So hop in your Ford Excursion and crack open a Busch Light!
Examples: Yankees, Braves, Dodgers, Mets. Highpoint: The Yankees refusing to trade Phil Hughes or Ian Kennedy for the best pitcher in baseball followed by the two rookies combining to leave an 0-6 in 11 starts, burning shit-bag at the front door of Yankee fans. Well done boys, well done.
The Cuervo Gold Division: I won't drink this shit. The "gold" color is from food coloring, not barrel aging, and it possess the minimum allowed amount of Agave (51%) to be considered Tequila at all! That being said, it's always around, relatively affordable, consistent in its gag-inducing aroma and flavor, and will fuck you down the river on an inner-tube laden with rabid wolverines. Examples: Astros, Blue Jays. Highpoint: The Jays cutting future hall of famer, and notoriously slow starter Frank Thomas. Still on the hook for 7 million of Frank's contract, the Jays got to see him sign for the minimum with Oakland and come within one at bat of hitting for the cycle. I'll need the salt and lime for this one, baby.
The Smirnoff Vodka Division: An absolute bargain(no pun intended). Better tasting than direct price rivals: Sky, Stoli,Absolute,Gordons, et all. A better history than any vodka on the market: the Smirnoffs were the official vodka maker's of the Czar, and were forced to flee to America during the Bolshevik revolution. Had the humbling distinction of marketing itself as "white whiskey" to avoid discrimination during the McCarthy years. Triple distilled and just as smooth as it's pricier rivals, Smirnoff Vodka is probably the best value to price ratio behind the bar, as evidenced by this NY Times review. Examples: Rays, Twins, A's, and Marlins. Highlight: The Rays go 15-12 with their number one pitcher(Kazmir)on the DL for the entire month.
The Patron Division: Over-priced, and over-hyped, but still an undeniable pleasure. There are much better Tequila's on the market, but if you want your date to drink some you'd better order Patron. Actually Patron is a perfect example of how far we come as Americans; fifteen years ago the same could be said of Cuervo Gold. Example: Cubs. Highlight: A sweep of a two game series with the Mets by a combined score of 15-2.
The Makers Mark Division Strong, full and rich in flavor, but maybe a trifle too unbalanced and hot. If Gene Hackman or Bette Davis were a Bourbon they'd be Makers Mark.
Examples: Cardinals, Phillies, Angels. Highlight: Chase Utley leading the majors in home runs and trying to be the third Phillie in a row to win the MVP award (Howard, Rollins).The Grey Goose Division: You can't escape it. It's way overpriced, is hated by bartenders everywhere(ridiculously heavy bottle), and paired with a Red Bull is the official drink of status-whores everywhere. It's possible that there has never been a bigger bandwagon liquor, or a greater market changing product. Just dominant out of nowhere. It makes me sick. Is it good Vodka? Yes it's good. Is it $50 a bottle good? My ass. Example: The Red Sox. Highlight: They go to Japan to start the season, a notorious April killer, have Big Pappi off to his worst start since he started taking HGH, have Schilling on the DL, and they STILL have the best record in the American League! The Horror...the horror...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Well, Call, Premium--MLB in April '08 Part One
We at The Depth Chart are so besotted that we can only understand the world through booze metaphors. So let's take inventory of the first month of the Baseball season! (Remember to include broken bottles and buy-backs)
The Crystal Palace Gin Division:
OK so even good Gin is 3 part waste water, 2 part juniper berries, and 1 part human tears. If you're drinking well gin, then stop cooking your pork, and start running red lights; you'll get there faster(but not much). Examples--Padres, Rockies, and Nationals. Highlight: Trevor Hoffman blowing the save for Greg Maddux's 350th win, the baseball equivalent of puking on your dates feet when she's wearing flip-flops. Classy.
The Montezuma Tequila Division:
Here's just a small sampling of real on-line reviews of this hideous brew:
Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
Health hazard
by lirubis
Pros: Good for getting rid of pests around home
Cons: Oughta be banned from the market.
Just by hearing its "light tequila" definition makes me cry. But, hey....some people like this stuff and its up to them to bear the consequences.
Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
It makes me hurt!!
by dirknrolrgirl
Pros: cheap
Cons: horrible taste etc
This is the brand that a lot of restaurants use as their well tequila. It is horrible!!! I love margaritas and this stuff kills them. Not only does it not taste good, but it actually makes my ribs ache when I drink it. I know it sounds weird, but if...
Product Rating: Product Rating: 2.0
Bite Your Lip and Swallow
by GalloNero
Pros: Cheap
Cons: Tastes like Mexican Ass
This tequilla is the by far and away the dirtiest cheapest tequila I have ever had. When I picture a drunk drinking tequila, the image of a plastic bottle of Montezuma isn't far behind. Although it tastes like ass it is cheap. Let me reiterate. It is...
Enough said. Examples: Reds, Brewers, and Rangers. Highlight: Dusty Baker invents the term "Smart-Hacking" explaining, "walks aren't what you want from players hitting third through sixth". Reds off to worst start since...
The Ten High Bourbon Division: Hey, at least you know they had to age it in a barrel to call it bourbon; although tasting sites refer to its flavor as "heat, suede, and old nuts" and it's aroma as "cigar box, and paint" (you can't make this stuff up). Examples: Tigers, White Sox,and Mariners. Highlight: Seattle's 4 error game to welcome Bedard off the DL, or Detroit's 0-7 start to the season. Pick your turd.
The Aristocrat Vodka Division: It's Vodka for Christ sakes! How bad can it be? If you're young, on a budget, and recover quickly from acute aneurysms
this is the brew for you!
Examples:Orioles,Pirates,and Giants. Highlight: Barry Zito 0-7, 6.95 ERA, 2008 salary $14,500,000. If he was a race horse he'd be dead by now.
The Triple-Sec Division: Hardly anything is expected of it. You're never going to drink it by itself. So hey, appreciate it for it's subtle contributions to your margaritas, and cosmos and not for the shitty medicinal after-taste. Example: Royals. Highlight: Zach Greinke-- 4 wins, and a 1.80 ERA.
Part Two Tomorrow...
The Crystal Palace Gin Division:
OK so even good Gin is 3 part waste water, 2 part juniper berries, and 1 part human tears. If you're drinking well gin, then stop cooking your pork, and start running red lights; you'll get there faster(but not much). Examples--Padres, Rockies, and Nationals. Highlight: Trevor Hoffman blowing the save for Greg Maddux's 350th win, the baseball equivalent of puking on your dates feet when she's wearing flip-flops. Classy.
The Montezuma Tequila Division:
Here's just a small sampling of real on-line reviews of this hideous brew:
Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
Health hazard
by lirubis
Pros: Good for getting rid of pests around home
Cons: Oughta be banned from the market.
Just by hearing its "light tequila" definition makes me cry. But, hey....some people like this stuff and its up to them to bear the consequences.
Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
It makes me hurt!!
by dirknrolrgirl
Pros: cheap
Cons: horrible taste etc
This is the brand that a lot of restaurants use as their well tequila. It is horrible!!! I love margaritas and this stuff kills them. Not only does it not taste good, but it actually makes my ribs ache when I drink it. I know it sounds weird, but if...
Product Rating: Product Rating: 2.0
Bite Your Lip and Swallow
by GalloNero
Pros: Cheap
Cons: Tastes like Mexican Ass
This tequilla is the by far and away the dirtiest cheapest tequila I have ever had. When I picture a drunk drinking tequila, the image of a plastic bottle of Montezuma isn't far behind. Although it tastes like ass it is cheap. Let me reiterate. It is...
Enough said. Examples: Reds, Brewers, and Rangers. Highlight: Dusty Baker invents the term "Smart-Hacking" explaining, "walks aren't what you want from players hitting third through sixth". Reds off to worst start since...
The Ten High Bourbon Division: Hey, at least you know they had to age it in a barrel to call it bourbon; although tasting sites refer to its flavor as "heat, suede, and old nuts" and it's aroma as "cigar box, and paint" (you can't make this stuff up). Examples: Tigers, White Sox,and Mariners. Highlight: Seattle's 4 error game to welcome Bedard off the DL, or Detroit's 0-7 start to the season. Pick your turd.
The Aristocrat Vodka Division: It's Vodka for Christ sakes! How bad can it be? If you're young, on a budget, and recover quickly from acute aneurysms
this is the brew for you! Examples:Orioles,Pirates,and Giants. Highlight: Barry Zito 0-7, 6.95 ERA, 2008 salary $14,500,000. If he was a race horse he'd be dead by now.
The Triple-Sec Division: Hardly anything is expected of it. You're never going to drink it by itself. So hey, appreciate it for it's subtle contributions to your margaritas, and cosmos and not for the shitty medicinal after-taste. Example: Royals. Highlight: Zach Greinke-- 4 wins, and a 1.80 ERA.
Part Two Tomorrow...
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