Well, Call, Premium--MLB in April '08 Part 2

It could very well be the scotch induced dementia, but are the Cardinals, Marlins, and Twins in first place? Round two of the Depth Chart's MLB April retrospective, like all good second rounds, includes shots. Bartender's choice, and don't forget to pick up the tab (just as long as it's not Yukon Jack or Goldslagger).

The Jack Daniels Division: The official drink of Frank Sinatra. A respected brand around the world. One of the few brands of booze that is included in 100% of all bars. But hold on before you give your money to the hooker, Governor. How is Jack Daniels continuing it's great tradition into the 21rst century? By adding more water to the mix, lowering the revered power proof to 80 from 90, just to save a few dollars. Sure JD contends they're doing this to accommodate the laws in certain states that only allow for the sale of spirits at 80 proof or below. The problem is there are no such states, but JD continues to contend there are. Remind you of anybody?

So the next time you order a Jack and Coke, remember you're also acknowledging the existence of WMD's, and the smirking lies of corporate douche bags everywhere. So hop in your Ford Excursion and crack open a Busch Light!
Examples: Yankees, Braves, Dodgers, Mets. Highpoint: The Yankees refusing to trade Phil Hughes or Ian Kennedy for the best pitcher in baseball followed by the two rookies combining to leave an 0-6 in 11 starts, burning shit-bag at the front door of Yankee fans. Well done boys, well done.

The Cuervo Gold Division: I won't drink this shit. The "gold" color is from food coloring, not barrel aging, and it possess the minimum allowed amount of Agave (51%) to be considered Tequila at all! That being said, it's always around, relatively affordable, consistent in its gag-inducing aroma and flavor, and will fuck you down the river on an inner-tube laden with rabid wolverines. Examples: Astros, Blue Jays. Highpoint: The Jays cutting future hall of famer, and notoriously slow starter Frank Thomas. Still on the hook for 7 million of Frank's contract, the Jays got to see him sign for the minimum with Oakland and come within one at bat of hitting for the cycle. I'll need the salt and lime for this one, baby.

The Smirnoff Vodka Division: An absolute bargain(no pun intended). Better tasting than direct price rivals: Sky, Stoli,Absolute,Gordons, et all. A better history than any vodka on the market: the Smirnoffs were the official vodka maker's of the Czar, and were forced to flee to America during the Bolshevik revolution. Had the humbling distinction of marketing itself as "white whiskey" to avoid discrimination during the McCarthy years. Triple distilled and just as smooth as it's pricier rivals, Smirnoff Vodka is probably the best value to price ratio behind the bar, as evidenced by this NY Times review. Examples: Rays, Twins, A's, and Marlins. Highlight: The Rays go 15-12 with their number one pitcher(Kazmir)on the DL for the entire month.


The Patron Division: Over-priced, and over-hyped, but still an undeniable pleasure. There are much better Tequila's on the market, but if you want your date to drink some you'd better order Patron. Actually Patron is a perfect example of how far we come as Americans; fifteen years ago the same could be said of Cuervo Gold. Example: Cubs. Highlight: A sweep of a two game series with the Mets by a combined score of 15-2.

The Makers Mark Division Strong, full and rich in flavor, but maybe a trifle too unbalanced and hot. If Gene Hackman or Bette Davis were a Bourbon they'd be Makers Mark. Examples: Cardinals, Phillies, Angels. Highlight: Chase Utley leading the majors in home runs and trying to be the third Phillie in a row to win the MVP award (Howard, Rollins).

The Grey Goose Division: You can't escape it. It's way overpriced, is hated by bartenders everywhere(ridiculously heavy bottle), and paired with a Red Bull is the official drink of status-whores everywhere. It's possible that there has never been a bigger bandwagon liquor, or a greater market changing product. Just dominant out of nowhere. It makes me sick. Is it good Vodka? Yes it's good. Is it $50 a bottle good? My ass. Example: The Red Sox. Highlight: They go to Japan to start the season, a notorious April killer, have Big Pappi off to his worst start since he started taking HGH, have Schilling on the DL, and they STILL have the best record in the American League! The Horror...the horror...