Well, Call, Premium--MLB in April '08 Part One

We at The Depth Chart are so besotted that we can only understand the world through booze metaphors. So let's take inventory of the first month of the Baseball season! (Remember to include broken bottles and buy-backs)

The Crystal Palace Gin Division:


OK so even good Gin is 3 part waste water, 2 part juniper berries, and 1 part human tears. If you're drinking well gin, then stop cooking your pork, and start running red lights; you'll get there faster(but not much). Examples--Padres, Rockies, and Nationals. Highlight: Trevor Hoffman blowing the save for Greg Maddux's 350th win, the baseball equivalent of puking on your dates feet when she's wearing flip-flops. Classy.

The Montezuma Tequila Division:

Here's just a small sampling of real on-line reviews of this hideous brew:

Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
Health hazard
by lirubis
Pros: Good for getting rid of pests around home
Cons: Oughta be banned from the market.
Just by hearing its "light tequila" definition makes me cry. But, hey....some people like this stuff and its up to them to bear the consequences.

Product Rating: Product Rating: 1.0
It makes me hurt!!
by dirknrolrgirl
Pros: cheap
Cons: horrible taste etc
This is the brand that a lot of restaurants use as their well tequila. It is horrible!!! I love margaritas and this stuff kills them. Not only does it not taste good, but it actually makes my ribs ache when I drink it. I know it sounds weird, but if...

Product Rating: Product Rating: 2.0
Bite Your Lip and Swallow
by GalloNero
Pros: Cheap
Cons: Tastes like Mexican Ass
This tequilla is the by far and away the dirtiest cheapest tequila I have ever had. When I picture a drunk drinking tequila, the image of a plastic bottle of Montezuma isn't far behind. Although it tastes like ass it is cheap. Let me reiterate. It is...

Enough said. Examples: Reds, Brewers, and Rangers. Highlight: Dusty Baker invents the term "Smart-Hacking" explaining, "walks aren't what you want from players hitting third through sixth". Reds off to worst start since...

The Ten High Bourbon Division: Hey, at least you know they had to age it in a barrel to call it bourbon; although tasting sites refer to its flavor as "heat, suede, and old nuts" and it's aroma as "cigar box, and paint" (you can't make this stuff up). Examples: Tigers, White Sox,and Mariners. Highlight: Seattle's 4 error game to welcome Bedard off the DL, or Detroit's 0-7 start to the season. Pick your turd.


The Aristocrat Vodka Division: It's Vodka for Christ sakes! How bad can it be? If you're young, on a budget, and recover quickly from acute aneurysms this is the brew for you!
Examples:Orioles,Pirates,and Giants. Highlight: Barry Zito 0-7, 6.95 ERA, 2008 salary $14,500,000. If he was a race horse he'd be dead by now.

The Triple-Sec Division: Hardly anything is expected of it. You're never going to drink it by itself. So hey, appreciate it for it's subtle contributions to your margaritas, and cosmos and not for the shitty medicinal after-taste. Example: Royals. Highlight: Zach Greinke-- 4 wins, and a 1.80 ERA.

Part Two Tomorrow...