Cronk-Rosaly Wedding

Here's my semi-drunken pics - well, some of them are sober...

2009 Football Picks (finally...)

So Bad Sunglasses has been pestering me (with good reason) to get my picks up earlier than him for once. I mean, this criticism is well founded, for sure. He's always the first to post, that can be stipulated. However, I am always the one to win. This means that he must believe my strategy is to see what he picks and then go a fair distance away from such picks.

I can assure you, dear reader (as there is surely only one), that this is not the case. And to prove it, I shall seek to repeat my 2008 Football performance with the following picks:

Zaaq's Picks

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Bengals
3. Ravens
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Texans
2. Colts
3. Titans
4. Jaguars

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

NFC East
1. Giants
2. Cowboys
3. Eagles
4. Redskins

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

NFC West
1. Seahawks
2. Cardinals
3. Niners
4. Rams

AFC Wild Card Teams: Jets, Colts
NFC Wild Card Teams: Cowboys, Falcons

Winners of AFC Wild Card Round: Patriots, Colts
Winners of NFC Wild Card Round: Cowboys, Seahawks

Winners of AFC Division Round: Steelers, Patriots
Winners of NFC Division Round: Giants, Saints

Winners of Conference Championship Games: Giants, Patriots

Winner of Super Bowl: Patriots

MVP: Tom Brady
Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees
Defensive Player of the Year: Mario Williams
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry



Also, here is a reiteration of the ground rules (patterned on the 2009 Baseball modifications):

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the AFC and NFC, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the Super Bowl champs. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's offensive and defensive players of the year, as well as offensive rookies of the year for offense and defense and the comeback player of the year.

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 32 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 8 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 40 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 8 total points
• 4 points for picking the correct winners of the wild card playoff round - 16 possible points
  
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 8 points for picking the correct league champion - 16 possible points
• 10 points for picking the Super Bowl winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for Offensive Player of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Offensive Rookie of the Year, Defensive Rookie of the Year, and MVP - 5 possible points

Perfect season = 151 points

The shame. The horror. Losing to a barbarian from the unsettled Northeast, and I a proud son of the original thirteen; a citizen of import, of stature.

No more. It can not stand! here it ends and ends well for all citizens of the civilized east as they glory at the cast down husk of the land's-end upstart.

Redemption! I will taste your waters when I drink his blood. Victory! I will plant your flag of true men of the thirteen deep in his chest. Conquest! I will pick the 2009 NFL season to perfection turning all barbarous barristers brains jellied with envy.




NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Eagles
4. Racist Logos

NFC West,
1. Seagulls
2. Cardinals
3. 49ers
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Vikings
2.Bears
3. Packers
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Falcons
2. Saints
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Dolphins
3. Bills
4. Jets

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Titans
3. Texans
4. Jags

MVP: Phillip Rivers
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive player of the Year: Ed Reed
Offens ive Rookie of the Year: Knowshon Moreno
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Tyson Jackson

AFC Wildcards: Ravens Titans
NFC Wildcards: Giants Bears

AFC First Round Winners: Colts Steelers
AFC Second Round Winners: Chargers Colts
AFC Champ: Chargers

NFC First Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Second Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Champ: Giants

Super Bowl Champ: Chargers
Super Bowl MVP: Phillip Rivers

25 Dubious DVD Double Features

Thought I'd take a break from ranting about the sports world, as the Yankees are currently driving me batshit. Instead I've cooked up something a little different. A cockamamie list that will deprive you of precious moments you'll never get back.

When I used to go to my video store here in Brooklyn, which could pass for The Weather Underground's east coast head quarters, I always ended pairing up my movies. You know two horror flicks, or maybe a couple of foreign pictures.

But I noticed that since I switched to Netflix (with my two films at a time plan), my pairings have gotten more specific. Instead of just two comedies say, I'll send off for two 1990s adolescent sex romps, or two social satires about joining the military.

So in an effort to infect others with my own cinefile swine flu, I've pieced together some films that I think go together like Meth and trailer parks. Here's hoping it curdles the desire in your brain to ever watch a movie by itself again.

The Documentary Style, French War Crimes Double Feature:

The Battle of Algiers and The Sorrow and the Pity

Really they shouldn't be scolding anybody. Have your Prozac on hand for afterwards.

The Claustrophobic Horror of The Icy Poles Double Feature:

The Thing and The Last Winter

One deals with murderous extra-terrestrials in Antarctica and the other with murderous inner-terrestrials in the Arctic. Where you gonna run when it's fifty below outside?

The White Hat, Black Hat Western Double Feature:

Shane and Once Upon a Time in the West

Marx and Lenin would love these movies. The evil land grabber and his cronies against the reformed gunslinger protecting the homesteaders. Americans just dig on the violence.

The Sadistic Apathy of American Youth Double Feature:

River's Edge and Kids

Say your bud strangles his girlfriend, or has AIDS and is raping chicks at your party. What do you do? Keep getting high.

The I Hate You, I Love You Romantic Comedy, Road Movie Double Feature:

It Happened One Night and Romancing the Stone

Two opposites argue their way across country and eventually into each others arms. Kinda like your Parents on vacation, without the each others arms bit.

The What Am I Complaining About, Triumph Over Deformity Double Feature

The Elephant Man and Mask

Reminds you what a shallow, whiny, jerk you are. In a good way.

The Dear God, Please Have An Abortion Next Time Double Feature

It's Alive and Eraserhead

No really. No more babies for you. Ever.

The Don't Orphans Have It Bad Enough Already Double Feature

The Devil's Backbone and The Orphanage

Dickens meets Polanski and the poor wee ones get the shaft.

The That Bitch Is Bad News Double Feature

Double Indemnity and Body Heat

Yeah I know she's smoking. But dude, it's just not worth it. OK maybe a little bit.

The That Bitch is Crazy Double Feature

Fatal Attraction and Single White Female

You know a movie works when the title is commonly used as an adverb and an adjective. As in " Watch out Bro, that bitch will go Fatal Attraction on your ass", or "That bitch is so Single White Female".

The Old-Timer's Got One Last Journey In Them, Road Movie Double Feature

The Trip To Bountiful and The Straight Story

It's a little messed up that we're surprised when really old people express free will. Tellingly, neither story takes place in Florida.

The Scream At The Screen "Idiot! Don't Do It!", Modern Noir Double Feature

Blood Simple and Red Rock West

Rednecks are so dumb. So homicidally dumb.

The I Think I'll Drink Myself To Death This Weekend Double Feature

The Lost Weekend and Leaving Las Vegas

At least one of them gets it right.

The Washed-Up Country Singer Tries For A Comeback Double Feature

Tender Mercies, and Honkytonk Man

Released at about the same time, Duvall's picture took a lot of steam out of Eastwood's, but they're pretty much equal flicks.

The Emotionally Manipulative Boxing Tear-Jerker Double Feature

The Champ and Million Dollar Baby

Why should someone, who's only trying to beat people unconscious for money, have to end so tragically? Just so unfair.

The Individual Location As American Zeitgeist, Ensemble Piece Double Feature

Nashville and Magnolia

A decade conveniently reduced for you consumption. Like a generational all day sucker.

The I'm So Fucking Confused Double Feature

Jacob's Ladder and The Machinist

So what just happened? That was a flashback? I thought it was a dream sequence. Wait. Rewind it, rewind it.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold And The Accidental Pimp, Farce Double Feature

Night Shift and Doctor Detroit

There were actually a lot of these in the early eighties; back in the land before AIDS.

The Beware Eastern European Women At All Costs, Horror Movie Double Feature

Cat People and Hostel

No, go ahead. Don't take my word for it. But don't blame me when she turns into a panther and sells your ass to a torturers club.

The English Are Depraved Murderous Cretins Double Feature

Straw Dogs and A Clockwork Orange

Both films were banned in Britain, so you know they've got to be good.

The American Junkie Double Feature

Drugstore Cowboy and The Panic In Needle Park

No glorification here. Probably Matt Dillion's best movie, and the movie that got Pacino his role in the Godfather.

The Subversively Hilarious Gore Fest Double Feature

Evil Dead II and Dead Alive

Chainsaws and lawnmowers finally used as God intended. And by God, I mean Cthulhu the devourer of souls.

The Last Day Of High School, Coming Of Age, Period Piece Double Feature

American Graffiti and Dazed and Confused

One was made in the seventies about the fifties and the other in the nineties about the seventies. So we should expect another of this same type of film in about five years or so.

The Let's Hope The Current Recession Doesn't Get This Bad, Great Depression Double Feature

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? and Ironweed

So which is more depressingly desperate: dancing yourself to death or drinking yourself to death? You just might get to choose!


And Finally...


The Film Set in Kenya All About The Romantic Troubles Of A Rich White Woman, Double Feature

Out Of Africa and I Dreamed Of Africa

OK people, you really shouldn't watch these last two horrible, horrible movies; unless it's for their sheer jaw dropping obliviousness to their own galaxy sized douche-baggery. Then it's OK.

Lucky Number Three

So it was the weirdest thing... It was the third day of March, and I was halfway through a six-pack of my Ommegang Three Philosophers. I had just returned home via the 3 train from my job at the rope factory, and was well into the George Clooney - Mark Wahlberg - Spike Jonze classic "Three Kings" when I heard the distinct clanging of a cowbell from my backyard.

I sprung to attention and lept to the backyard, only to hear three more clangings of the cowbell, and a strange, hobbit/witch hybrid creature appear in a puff of smoke.

In a gravelly, creaky and downright unsettling tone, this peculiar creature croaked, "You have 3's in your future. It has happened twice before, and your opportunity for the thrice shall appear within the fortnight..." I was about to quibble with this woman/hobbit abomination, but before I could get a word out, another three clangs on the cowbell and a puff of smoke. She was gone.

In her stead, a crow. Three caws and he too was gone.

I chalked this up to having had 3 large, heavily alcohol laden beers, but even under my most blotto conditions, never had I hallucinated crows and hobbit witches...

I spent the next several days at the ready, searching for any possible meanings for "the thrice" and coming up blank time after time. Soon thereafter, though, on the creepiest Friday the 13th I was ever to know, a flash of light blinded me as I walked the lonely streets of Brooklyn.

Across the street, in the distance, I noticed a bewildered man in strange dress. The strange was not the source of my interest, for in his hand, the man clutched a large starfish. All my life, for no apparent reason, I have harbored unnatural aversions to the most peculiar of sea-faring creatures, but have felt strangely compelled to them.

Drawn as though possessed by magnetism, I approached the frightened and bewildered man... I know that man... that is a Coxian visage if ever I saw him... He held in his other hand... THE WAGER!!!!

It was then that I knew my quest - I must summon forth from the depths of my being my list. My wager. That was the thrice. I had mustered the forethought and prognosticatory ability to master the Cox before, and as the hobbit-witch lady predicted, my chance for a third time now presented itself.

"Behold, Future Man! Your challenge is accepted. I shall prove to the Cox line, once and for all, the Jostian superiority over all things prognosticating. Shake in your futuristic boots, bionic boy!"

The Predictions

AL East:
1. Boston
2. New York
3. Tampa
4. Toronto
5. Baltimore

AL Central:
1. Cleveland
2. Minnesota
3. Detroit
4. Kansas City
5. Chicago

AL West:
1. Los Angeles
2. Oakland
3. Seattle
4. Texas

NL East:
1. New York
2. Philadelphia
3. Florida
4. Atlanta
5. Washington

NL Central:
1. Chicago
2. Milwaukee
3. Cincinnati
4. St. Louis
5. Houston
6. Pittsburgh

NL West:
1. Los Angeles
2. San Francisco
3. Arizona
4. Colorado
5. Padres


Wild Card Teams:
AL: New York
NL: Milwaukee

Division Playoffs:
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels
Cubs over Dodgers
Mets over Brewers

AL Champions: Red Sox
NL Champions: Mets
World Series: Red Sox in 6

Batting Champ:
AL: Ichiro
NL: Chipper Jones

Home Run Champ:
AL: Mark Teixeira
NL: Ryan Howard

ERA Champ:
AL: Roy Halladay
NL: Johan Santana

Strikeout Champ:
AL: Tim Lincecum
NL: C.C. Sabathia

MVP:
AL: Grady Sizemore
NL: David Wright

Cy Young:
AL: C.C. Sabathia
NL: Johan Santana

Contest Rules

In order to reduce to writing the new, improved rules of the challenge before us, they are as follows:

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points

Perfect season = 126 points

The Wager II - 2009 MLB Predictions

I work in a world you can't see. A world of nanotechnology surveillance. Robots, as small as skin cells and as numerous as gnats, fly around and feed visuals back to my head-set. I can direct each individual bot. In times of urgency, I can unleash an J.W.B. ( assassin bot) the size of a bumble bee to deliver a fatal dose of Ricin. It's not the most efficient poison, but we can always blame it on the Russians.

The off-hours were the best and I looked forward to them. Despair reached new heights on the street. Every seedy hell-hole was full of first-timers.

I had a place: below the grid and hidden astride the tight winding side-streets of Downtown. I liked it because it lacked identity. Never the same people. Never the same Gangs.

Slipping in the bar, I immediately spied my corner seat open. It had a view of the front door, a back to the wall, and a clear path to the kitchen and the rear exit. I was always a man who needed options.

Ordering a double Pappy Van Winkle and a tall-boy Chimay, I scanned the place. It was something I picked up after they shipped me overseas. When you do what I do for a living, you're always behind enemy lines. And when you're behind the lines, there's always a sniper.

The place looked clean. I knew all the employees. There were a group of kids wasting credits reenacting the Altamont concert on the Virtual Replicator towards the back. They were no worry. The Display Wall had the game on.

The New York Yankees versus the Oklahoma City Mariners. Great match-up. My family had made their fortune betting Baseball games against an obscure family of rope-binders from Seattle. Strangely the family of Jost was always willing to bet obscene amounts of money against their rope-binding business ( the entire Pacific Northwest live in Tree-Huts ). After an initial feint of betting weakness; we drew the truffle to our ravenous pig-snout. Baseball was in my blood, and in my credit card.

I was on my second Van Winkle, and the game was about to start, when a large man dressed in the dense wool and hemp of a Puget Sound sailor bellied up to the bar beside me. There were bits of sardines in his beard.

" Be you buying me a drink," he said. " A Laphroaig will do."

I have a full defense skin job. They sent millions of bots into my epidermis. A mother-fucker touches me and he's Tased. I get a nice tingling sensation. So I wasn't worried about the man.

The bartender brought the scotch. "Drink up", I said, and got up to leave.

"Now don't be hasty, my name's Jost". He stopped me dead in my tracks. "I've come a long way to bring you this". He had a Giant Starfish.

"What do you want"? I cloistered back beside him ready to pounce if his salty villainy would surface. "The bet has been made this year. I could kill you for trespassing on The Wager."

"But being I wasn't from this year?" He took his scotch and downed it like vodka. "Then what might you say? Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather sent me here with this beast. It has the ability to send one through time...if you feed it only turnips. Don't ask, your ancestors were fucked".

I ordered another round and the disheveled Mariner rapped on.

"Back in the year of 2009 your besotted ancestors forgot to include their baseball predictions in their letter to me family. By accident they had instead inserted detailed instructions for bizarre vegetable sex rituals. Grim stuff it be. And me thinks on purpose it might be."

At this point I fingered the bot injector in my pocket. I could inject this madman with a bot the size of a flea and once in contact with heat it would expand to the size of a grapefruit rupturing any vital arteries or organs around it. But there was a ring of truth to his backward speech. And I also had a turnip in my pocket.

"Me and mine were ready to declare victory once again until your damnable ancestors found in our original agreement a caveat at the bottom, in fine print, written backwards, in coded Sanskrit, upside down, scribed in stealthy ink only visible by firelight. Funny how that a seems to happen more than you'd think."

"So let me guess Stinky," I said. "My rocking ancestors who mastered time-travel sent you here to get me to pick the 2009 season. But couldn't I cheat and just check out the results? Why did you go forward in time instead of back"?

"Like I said, your ancestors were fucked. But they bred these giant crustaceans to have power over the minds of men, and once grasped even a lying scallywag like yourself must be true to their word. Now take your burden!" He shoved the Giant Starfish into my hands and instantly disappeared.

Looking down at the exposed underbelly of this strange beast, my mind swam. It's large beak, exposed and slowly clicking, hypnotized me. I felt myself falling, falling...falling.

I awoke in a daze. I was lying on the street as people strangely dressed stepped by without a second look. After gaining my bearings, I stood and took in my surroundings. I was aghast.

The cars, the buildings, everything around me was like the Holo-History in school. I would have believed I had been bushwhacked and thrown into a Sim-Player, but for the Giant Starfish still gripping my hand and my ability to touch the people passing by.

After multiple attempts to get someone to tell me the date, finally a young Mother told me my doom: Friday the 13th March 2009. I turned my face to the sky and let out a violent,"No!"

fin
( for now)

American League:

East
1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Rays
4. Orioles
5. Jays

Central
1. Twins
2. Racist Logos
3. White Sox
4. Tigers
5. Royals

West
1. Angels
2.A's
3. Rangers
4. Mariners

National League:

East
1. Mets
2. Phillies
3. Braves
4. Marlins
5. Nationals

Central
1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
3. Brewers
4. Reds
5. Astros
6. Pirates

West
1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Giants
4. Rockies
5. Padres

Batting Champ

AL: Dustin Pedroia, Sox
NL: Albert Pujols, Cardinals

Home Run Champ

AL: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
NL: Ryan Howard, Philles

ERA Champ

AL: Roy Halladay, Blue Jays
NL: Johan Santana, Mets

Strikeout Champ

AL: A.J. Burnett
NL: Tim Lincecum

MVP's

AL: Mark Teixeira, Yankees-1B
NL: Manny Ramirez, Dodgers-LF

Cy Young

AL: Jon Lester- Red Sox
NL: Johan Santana- Mets

Divisional Series:
AL: Yanks over Angels in 5 games
Red Sox over in Twins 3 games

NL: Mets over Dodgers in 3 games
Cubs over Phillies in 5 games

Championship Series:
AL: Yanks over Red Sox in 7 games
NL: Cubs over Mets in 6 games

World Series:

Yankees over Cubs in 5 games