Pad and Paper

I knew they were coming for me. I could hear the shrill growling off in the distance, the moaning and shifting of legs. They were so fast - who knew they could be so fast? We all thought the undead walked with the slow, groaning pace of the old Romero movies. Boy were we wrong. Those fuckers can cruise.

I slinked along the shadows, the only light from the fires burning in the distance and an obscenely full moon. That moon would be my savior and my downfall, I was sure. Yes, I could see the bastards, but they could see me too. Their vacant, yellowing eyes bulge and glinted red when they caught sight of me. At that point, it was kill or be killed, and pacifist as I once was, I ain't too bad a shot.

As I rounded the corner of the decaying brownstone block, I saw them. There was a feeding frenzy off in the distance, and the bastards seemed to be coming from miles around to join in the mayhem. I took the opportunity to swing up on the fire escape, one of few that I had seen that seemed sturdy and still attached to the building. Always go for higher ground, pappy always told me.

A blessedly cool breeze met me at the top of the 4 story building, carrying with it embers of the burning city, but also a refreshing spirit. Maybe I could make it after all. God knows how, but maybe... It was then that, at the far end of the building, I spied him. A tall, ragged figure hunched over a pen and paper. I didn't know any of those remained in this hell hole, but like everything else, if you lucked into it, you could find stashes of just about everything. Canned food, porn, baby dolls, magazines, you name it.

He scribbled with such intensity, such fury. What could he be writing? Had he learned a way to defeat the undead hordes? I rushed over to him, sawed-off cocked and ready. As I neared, he finished scrawling, pausing to re-read the tome. At that point, he must have heard my weak footsteps, as his head perked up. Then it cocked at the most unnatural angle to look straight through me.

Those eyes. Those yellowing eyes, tinged with red. He was one of them! It took no time at all for me to do what was needed. Fucker had to die, and die he did. As he staggered backwards and fell from the precipice, I crouched and snuck over to the pad to see what secrets he had to share. Ugh, figures... the non-sensical scribblings of a zombified madman.... I kept down and sought cover.

NFC

East

1. Cowboys

2. Giants

3. Eagles

4. Redskins

South

1. Saints

2. Falcons

3. Bucs

4. Panthers

North

1. Packers

2. Vikings

3. Lions

4. Bears

West

1. 49ers

2. Seahawks

3. Cardinals

4. Rams

AFC

East

1. Patriots

2. Jets

3. Dolphins

4. Bills

South

1. Colts

2. Texans

3. Titans

4. Jaguars

North

1. Ravens

2. Bengals

3. Steelers

4. Browns

West

1. Chargers

2. Broncos

3. Chiefs

4. Raiders

NFC Wildcards: Giants, Falcons

AFC Wildcards: Bengals, Texans

NFC First Round Winners: 49ers, Cowboys

AFC First Round Winners: Texans, Patriots

NFC Divisional Winners: Cowboys, Packers

AFC Divisional Winners: Colts, Ravens

NFC Champion: Packers

AFC Champion: Ravens

Super Bowl Champion: Packers

Super Bowl MVP: Aaron Rodgers

MVP: Aaron Rodgers, GB

Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees, NO

Defensive Player of the Year: Patrick Willis, SF

Questions:

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20 - Over

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten) - Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7 - Over

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? - TO

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4 = Over

6. Best Record in the NFL: Saints
7. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
8. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
9. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
10. Sack Leader in NFL: Mario Williams

The moments of forgetfulness are what matter. Release of the mind allows me to survive in the present. Instinct forms the man into the beast within. Just like them.

But I can't forget. Not for long. It chases me, the past. Taunts me with its mundane complexities, and comfortable simplicities. My boring bloodless life before the Moon turned red, and the Sun shone black.

I hunt people now, just like the dead. They hunt for food. I hunt for hope. I'd found one months ago. Obviously a bear of a man once, he'd shrunken and bent to the bitter realities of a world cursed. He was anxious to leave. Like most people after the fall, he felt there was safety in hermitage: stay low, stay quiet, stay hidden. Any group draws attention, and the only ones paying were the hoards.

We talked around a fire that night; a dangerous thing. His spirit had grown so dark as to be a shadow. In an effort to help, I broke my rule against memory. We talked about football. That silly pointless game that left the players broken, and the fans broke. We both had loved it once.

He surprised me with a sudden brightening. An offer of a wager. The prize a bottle of fine whiskey. It was a silly thing, a pointless thing. I couldn't say yes fast enough.

The horrors came before dawn, and we were scattered. I ran over a mile before looking back. The creatures are fast, but clumsy over rough, uneven terrain. Once out of sight they stop chasing. The prey forgotten. The dead have no memory.

But mine was back. I'd scratched my answers to the wager in ash with a smoldering twig onto the pages of a battered hymnal. I'll find him I told myself. And I'll win that bottle of whiskey. And I'll drink this whole damned world away.

Fin.

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Racist Logos
4. Eagles

NFC West,
1. 49ers
2. Cardinals
3. Seagulls
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Raiders
3. Chiefs
4. Broncos

AFC North
1. Ravens
2. Steelers
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Texans
3. Titans
4. Jags

MVP: Drew Brees
Offensive Player of the Year: Chris Johnson
Defensive player of the Year: Demarcus Ware
AFC Wildcards: Steelers, Jets
NFC Wildcards: Giants, Vikings
AFC First Round Winners: Ravens, Patriots
AFC Second Round Winners: Ravens, Colts
AFC Champ: Ravens
NFC First Round Winners: Giants, Cowboys
NFC Second Round Winners: Packers, Cowboys
NFC Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl MVP: Tony Romo

1. Best Record in the NFL: Colts
2. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
3. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
4. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
5. Sack Leader in NFL: DeMarcus Ware

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20: Under

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten): Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7: Under

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? Ochocinco

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4: Under

I used to love hacking. Cracking codes, inserting worms and basically fucking with the system was what I lived for. Now its a job. But as jobs go it's better than most. Hacking got me off the family ranch and its stench of cow shit and into New York where everybody's full of bull shit. I'll take that trade every time.

Take this whack-job who hires me last week. Wanted me to setup a remote video/audio receiver with speak/mic capability. No problem. Than he says he wants it the size of a skin cell. Sure I says. I'll get it to you in a hundred years. He mumbles something about more like 65. Anyway I let him know what I Could Do, which was pretty badass.

Turns out this weirdo's a big time gambler. Places these bets on baseball of all things. Regular Pete Rose this guy. I told him UFC 's what's up these days. He says only until 2015 and it's revealed that 80% of the fighters are gay. When I asked how he'd know something like that, he feeds me the biggest load of shit since the farm. From the future he says. Riggghhtt.

Seems Future-Boy got some blood feud with a backwoods Pacific Northwestern clan called Jasters or Toasters or something. Figures he could fool one of them into believing a light bulb was the voice of God, or the Devil, or Jimmy the fucking Greek. Cute idea. Ask me it'll never work unless this guys a total 'tard. But hey his money's green and it must be growing off trees for as much as he's willing to lay down to get it done.

The job goes like as smooth as Kevin Durant. In and out in less than 30 minutes. An hour later I'm at the nut-job's Tribeca loft. An hour after that we're smoking cigars while he's speaking into a mic and low and behold that dimwit in the Slope thinks it's some miraculous space voice. Gotta give it to this nut-job, he's a real con who knew his mark.


AMERICAN LEAGUE:
East:

1. Yankees


2. Sux


3. Rays


4. Orioles


5. Blue Jays

Central:

1. Twins


2. White Sox
   
3. Tigers


4. Indians


5. Royals

West:

1. Angels


2. Mariners


3. Rangers


4. A's

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

East:

1. Phillies


2. Braves


3. Mets


4. Marlins


5. Nationals

Central:

1. Cardinals


2. Brewers


3. Cubs


4. Reds


5. Astros


6. Pirates

West:

1. Dodgers


2. Rockies
   


3. Giants
   


4. Diamondbacks


5. Padres

NL WC: Braves

AL WC: Sux

AL: Yanks over Angels, Sux over Twins

NL: Phillies over Dodgers, Cardinals over Braves

AL:Yanks over Sux
NL:Cardinals over Phillies

Cardinals over Yanks

Batting Champ:

AL- Ichiro

NL- Albert Puljos

Home Run Champ:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Prince Fielder

ERA Champ:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

Strikeout Champ:

AL- Zack Greinke

NL- Tim Lincecum

MVP:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Chase Utley

Cy Young:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

More K's Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay: Halladay

More Games Started Rich Harden or Ben Sheets: Rich Harden

When does the Stephen the Anchor Strasburg get his first start: May 22nd

How many fewer runs do the Sux allow: 16

Worst Team in MLB: San Diego Padres

O/U AL Home Run Leader 42.5- Over

O/U AL Pitching Wins Leader 20.5- Under

O/U Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played 236.5- Under

Higher AVG. Cano or Pedroia-Cano

O/U Mariners HR Leader 27.5- Over

2010 MLB Wager Rules

As an annual reminder, here are this year's rules, with the new categories added at the end.

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
• 1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

In Search of the Fourth

Beneath my apartment, in the treacly dark depths, across the cobweb abyss, lies a pulsating blue orb. Its' low-level hum can hypnotize - you can be drawn into the blue fog and emerge in dimensions unknown. The properties of this orb are myriad and largely benevolent - keeps away insects and vermin, encourages deep and sound sleep, provides protection from all muggers and parasitic viral infection. But perhaps most important of them all, the pulsating blue orb provides counsel, support and protection from futuristic, booze-slinging-and-swilling Yankee prognosticators.

While the orb is not perfect, it's successes have been well documented. Repeated Cowboy and Yankee trouncings were only made possible by the disrupting forces which emanate from its electic core. It's cold fusion based energy propel all who supplicate themselves into stratospheric heights, particularly in the confusingly narrow confines of sports predictions.

Now I was reluctant to turn over authority to this orb of obscure origins, this ball of befuddlement, this sphere of sports picks, this globe of guesses, this pellet of prediction. But as they say in the good book, results are results.

...

...

hmmhmhmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmhmhnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmm

(That was the blue ball. He just recited an entire novel's worth of information. If your inferior mind can hack it, i suggest you try to unpack it and see what's there. Your mind will be blown)

And so, with no further adieu, and to get to the end so I can return the glowing orb to its treacly dark, I give you Zaaq's Baseball picks.

American League

East

1. New York

2. Boston

3. Tampa

4. Baltimore

5. Toronto

Central

1. Minnesota

2. Chicago

3. Detroit

4. Cleveland

5. Kansas City

West

1. Seattle

2. Texas

3. Los Angeles

4. Oakland

Wildcard: Boston

MVP: Alex Rodriguez

Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

HR Leader: Miguel Cabrera

Average Leader: Joe Mauer

ERA Leader: Felix Hernandez

Strikeouts Leader: C.C. Sabathia

National League

East

1. Atlanta

2. Philadelphia

3. Florida

4. New York

5. Washington

Central

1. St. Louis

2. Cincinnati

3. Milwaukee

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West

1. Colorado

2. San Francisco

3. Arizona

4. Los Angeles

5. San Diego

Wildcard: Philadelphia

MVP: Chase Utley

Cy Young: Roy Halladay

HR Leader: Prince Fielder

Average Leader: Pablo Sandoval

ERA Leader: Roy Halladay

Strikeouts Leader: Tim Lincecum

Divisional Playoffs and Winners

New York v Seattle, NY wins

Boston v Minnesota, Minnesota wins

Philadelphia v St. Louis, Philadelphia wins

Atlanta v Colorado, Atlanta

wins

AL Champion - Minnesota

NL Champion - Atlanta

World Series - Minnesota

Questions For This Year

1. More K's, Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay? Halladay

2. More Games Started, Ben Sheets or Rich Harden? Sheets

3. What day does Steven Strasburg get his first start? May 23

4. How many fewer runs do the Red Sox allow? 18

5. Worst team in the Majors? Houston Astros

6. Over/Under AL HR Leader, 42.5? Over

7. Over/Under AL Pitching Wins Leader? Under

8. Over/Under Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played, 236.5? Over

9. Higher Batting Average, Robinson Cano or Dustin Pedroia? Robinson Cano

10. Over/Under Mariners HR Leader, 27.5? Unnnnnnnnder (they'll be lucky to get someone with 22)