The moments of forgetfulness are what matter. Release of the mind allows me to survive in the present. Instinct forms the man into the beast within. Just like them.

But I can't forget. Not for long. It chases me, the past. Taunts me with its mundane complexities, and comfortable simplicities. My boring bloodless life before the Moon turned red, and the Sun shone black.

I hunt people now, just like the dead. They hunt for food. I hunt for hope. I'd found one months ago. Obviously a bear of a man once, he'd shrunken and bent to the bitter realities of a world cursed. He was anxious to leave. Like most people after the fall, he felt there was safety in hermitage: stay low, stay quiet, stay hidden. Any group draws attention, and the only ones paying were the hoards.

We talked around a fire that night; a dangerous thing. His spirit had grown so dark as to be a shadow. In an effort to help, I broke my rule against memory. We talked about football. That silly pointless game that left the players broken, and the fans broke. We both had loved it once.

He surprised me with a sudden brightening. An offer of a wager. The prize a bottle of fine whiskey. It was a silly thing, a pointless thing. I couldn't say yes fast enough.

The horrors came before dawn, and we were scattered. I ran over a mile before looking back. The creatures are fast, but clumsy over rough, uneven terrain. Once out of sight they stop chasing. The prey forgotten. The dead have no memory.

But mine was back. I'd scratched my answers to the wager in ash with a smoldering twig onto the pages of a battered hymnal. I'll find him I told myself. And I'll win that bottle of whiskey. And I'll drink this whole damned world away.

Fin.

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Racist Logos
4. Eagles

NFC West,
1. 49ers
2. Cardinals
3. Seagulls
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Raiders
3. Chiefs
4. Broncos

AFC North
1. Ravens
2. Steelers
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Texans
3. Titans
4. Jags

MVP: Drew Brees
Offensive Player of the Year: Chris Johnson
Defensive player of the Year: Demarcus Ware
AFC Wildcards: Steelers, Jets
NFC Wildcards: Giants, Vikings
AFC First Round Winners: Ravens, Patriots
AFC Second Round Winners: Ravens, Colts
AFC Champ: Ravens
NFC First Round Winners: Giants, Cowboys
NFC Second Round Winners: Packers, Cowboys
NFC Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl MVP: Tony Romo

1. Best Record in the NFL: Colts
2. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
3. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
4. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
5. Sack Leader in NFL: DeMarcus Ware

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20: Under

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten): Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7: Under

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? Ochocinco

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4: Under

I used to love hacking. Cracking codes, inserting worms and basically fucking with the system was what I lived for. Now its a job. But as jobs go it's better than most. Hacking got me off the family ranch and its stench of cow shit and into New York where everybody's full of bull shit. I'll take that trade every time.

Take this whack-job who hires me last week. Wanted me to setup a remote video/audio receiver with speak/mic capability. No problem. Than he says he wants it the size of a skin cell. Sure I says. I'll get it to you in a hundred years. He mumbles something about more like 65. Anyway I let him know what I Could Do, which was pretty badass.

Turns out this weirdo's a big time gambler. Places these bets on baseball of all things. Regular Pete Rose this guy. I told him UFC 's what's up these days. He says only until 2015 and it's revealed that 80% of the fighters are gay. When I asked how he'd know something like that, he feeds me the biggest load of shit since the farm. From the future he says. Riggghhtt.

Seems Future-Boy got some blood feud with a backwoods Pacific Northwestern clan called Jasters or Toasters or something. Figures he could fool one of them into believing a light bulb was the voice of God, or the Devil, or Jimmy the fucking Greek. Cute idea. Ask me it'll never work unless this guys a total 'tard. But hey his money's green and it must be growing off trees for as much as he's willing to lay down to get it done.

The job goes like as smooth as Kevin Durant. In and out in less than 30 minutes. An hour later I'm at the nut-job's Tribeca loft. An hour after that we're smoking cigars while he's speaking into a mic and low and behold that dimwit in the Slope thinks it's some miraculous space voice. Gotta give it to this nut-job, he's a real con who knew his mark.


AMERICAN LEAGUE:
East:

1. Yankees


2. Sux


3. Rays


4. Orioles


5. Blue Jays

Central:

1. Twins


2. White Sox
   
3. Tigers


4. Indians


5. Royals

West:

1. Angels


2. Mariners


3. Rangers


4. A's

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

East:

1. Phillies


2. Braves


3. Mets


4. Marlins


5. Nationals

Central:

1. Cardinals


2. Brewers


3. Cubs


4. Reds


5. Astros


6. Pirates

West:

1. Dodgers


2. Rockies
   


3. Giants
   


4. Diamondbacks


5. Padres

NL WC: Braves

AL WC: Sux

AL: Yanks over Angels, Sux over Twins

NL: Phillies over Dodgers, Cardinals over Braves

AL:Yanks over Sux
NL:Cardinals over Phillies

Cardinals over Yanks

Batting Champ:

AL- Ichiro

NL- Albert Puljos

Home Run Champ:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Prince Fielder

ERA Champ:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

Strikeout Champ:

AL- Zack Greinke

NL- Tim Lincecum

MVP:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Chase Utley

Cy Young:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

More K's Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay: Halladay

More Games Started Rich Harden or Ben Sheets: Rich Harden

When does the Stephen the Anchor Strasburg get his first start: May 22nd

How many fewer runs do the Sux allow: 16

Worst Team in MLB: San Diego Padres

O/U AL Home Run Leader 42.5- Over

O/U AL Pitching Wins Leader 20.5- Under

O/U Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played 236.5- Under

Higher AVG. Cano or Pedroia-Cano

O/U Mariners HR Leader 27.5- Over

2010 MLB Wager Rules

As an annual reminder, here are this year's rules, with the new categories added at the end.

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
• 1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

In Search of the Fourth

Beneath my apartment, in the treacly dark depths, across the cobweb abyss, lies a pulsating blue orb. Its' low-level hum can hypnotize - you can be drawn into the blue fog and emerge in dimensions unknown. The properties of this orb are myriad and largely benevolent - keeps away insects and vermin, encourages deep and sound sleep, provides protection from all muggers and parasitic viral infection. But perhaps most important of them all, the pulsating blue orb provides counsel, support and protection from futuristic, booze-slinging-and-swilling Yankee prognosticators.

While the orb is not perfect, it's successes have been well documented. Repeated Cowboy and Yankee trouncings were only made possible by the disrupting forces which emanate from its electic core. It's cold fusion based energy propel all who supplicate themselves into stratospheric heights, particularly in the confusingly narrow confines of sports predictions.

Now I was reluctant to turn over authority to this orb of obscure origins, this ball of befuddlement, this sphere of sports picks, this globe of guesses, this pellet of prediction. But as they say in the good book, results are results.

...

...

hmmhmhmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmhmhnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmm

(That was the blue ball. He just recited an entire novel's worth of information. If your inferior mind can hack it, i suggest you try to unpack it and see what's there. Your mind will be blown)

And so, with no further adieu, and to get to the end so I can return the glowing orb to its treacly dark, I give you Zaaq's Baseball picks.

American League

East

1. New York

2. Boston

3. Tampa

4. Baltimore

5. Toronto

Central

1. Minnesota

2. Chicago

3. Detroit

4. Cleveland

5. Kansas City

West

1. Seattle

2. Texas

3. Los Angeles

4. Oakland

Wildcard: Boston

MVP: Alex Rodriguez

Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

HR Leader: Miguel Cabrera

Average Leader: Joe Mauer

ERA Leader: Felix Hernandez

Strikeouts Leader: C.C. Sabathia

National League

East

1. Atlanta

2. Philadelphia

3. Florida

4. New York

5. Washington

Central

1. St. Louis

2. Cincinnati

3. Milwaukee

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West

1. Colorado

2. San Francisco

3. Arizona

4. Los Angeles

5. San Diego

Wildcard: Philadelphia

MVP: Chase Utley

Cy Young: Roy Halladay

HR Leader: Prince Fielder

Average Leader: Pablo Sandoval

ERA Leader: Roy Halladay

Strikeouts Leader: Tim Lincecum

Divisional Playoffs and Winners

New York v Seattle, NY wins

Boston v Minnesota, Minnesota wins

Philadelphia v St. Louis, Philadelphia wins

Atlanta v Colorado, Atlanta

wins

AL Champion - Minnesota

NL Champion - Atlanta

World Series - Minnesota

Questions For This Year

1. More K's, Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay? Halladay

2. More Games Started, Ben Sheets or Rich Harden? Sheets

3. What day does Steven Strasburg get his first start? May 23

4. How many fewer runs do the Red Sox allow? 18

5. Worst team in the Majors? Houston Astros

6. Over/Under AL HR Leader, 42.5? Over

7. Over/Under AL Pitching Wins Leader? Under

8. Over/Under Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played, 236.5? Over

9. Higher Batting Average, Robinson Cano or Dustin Pedroia? Robinson Cano

10. Over/Under Mariners HR Leader, 27.5? Unnnnnnnnder (they'll be lucky to get someone with 22)

Cronk-Rosaly Wedding

Here's my semi-drunken pics - well, some of them are sober...

2009 Football Picks (finally...)

So Bad Sunglasses has been pestering me (with good reason) to get my picks up earlier than him for once. I mean, this criticism is well founded, for sure. He's always the first to post, that can be stipulated. However, I am always the one to win. This means that he must believe my strategy is to see what he picks and then go a fair distance away from such picks.

I can assure you, dear reader (as there is surely only one), that this is not the case. And to prove it, I shall seek to repeat my 2008 Football performance with the following picks:

Zaaq's Picks

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Bengals
3. Ravens
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Texans
2. Colts
3. Titans
4. Jaguars

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

NFC East
1. Giants
2. Cowboys
3. Eagles
4. Redskins

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

NFC West
1. Seahawks
2. Cardinals
3. Niners
4. Rams

AFC Wild Card Teams: Jets, Colts
NFC Wild Card Teams: Cowboys, Falcons

Winners of AFC Wild Card Round: Patriots, Colts
Winners of NFC Wild Card Round: Cowboys, Seahawks

Winners of AFC Division Round: Steelers, Patriots
Winners of NFC Division Round: Giants, Saints

Winners of Conference Championship Games: Giants, Patriots

Winner of Super Bowl: Patriots

MVP: Tom Brady
Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees
Defensive Player of the Year: Mario Williams
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry



Also, here is a reiteration of the ground rules (patterned on the 2009 Baseball modifications):

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the AFC and NFC, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the Super Bowl champs. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's offensive and defensive players of the year, as well as offensive rookies of the year for offense and defense and the comeback player of the year.

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 32 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 8 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 40 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 8 total points
• 4 points for picking the correct winners of the wild card playoff round - 16 possible points
  
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 8 points for picking the correct league champion - 16 possible points
• 10 points for picking the Super Bowl winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for Offensive Player of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Offensive Rookie of the Year, Defensive Rookie of the Year, and MVP - 5 possible points

Perfect season = 151 points

The shame. The horror. Losing to a barbarian from the unsettled Northeast, and I a proud son of the original thirteen; a citizen of import, of stature.

No more. It can not stand! here it ends and ends well for all citizens of the civilized east as they glory at the cast down husk of the land's-end upstart.

Redemption! I will taste your waters when I drink his blood. Victory! I will plant your flag of true men of the thirteen deep in his chest. Conquest! I will pick the 2009 NFL season to perfection turning all barbarous barristers brains jellied with envy.




NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Eagles
4. Racist Logos

NFC West,
1. Seagulls
2. Cardinals
3. 49ers
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Vikings
2.Bears
3. Packers
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Falcons
2. Saints
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Dolphins
3. Bills
4. Jets

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Titans
3. Texans
4. Jags

MVP: Phillip Rivers
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive player of the Year: Ed Reed
Offens ive Rookie of the Year: Knowshon Moreno
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Tyson Jackson

AFC Wildcards: Ravens Titans
NFC Wildcards: Giants Bears

AFC First Round Winners: Colts Steelers
AFC Second Round Winners: Chargers Colts
AFC Champ: Chargers

NFC First Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Second Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Champ: Giants

Super Bowl Champ: Chargers
Super Bowl MVP: Phillip Rivers