2016 Smackdown Draft Results

2012 Harrys Smack-Down Draft Results

2011 NFL Picks

NFL Picks, 2011 Season

NFC East

1. Eagles

2. Cowboys

3. Giants

4. Redskins

NFC North

1. Packers

2. Lions

3. Bears

4. Vikings

NFC South

1. Saints

2. Falcons

3. Buccaneers

4. Panthers

NFC West

1. Rams

2. Cardinals

3. Seachickens

4. Niners

AFC East

1. Patriots

2. Jets

3. Bills

4. Dolphins

AFC North

1. Steelers

2. Ravens

3. Browns

4. Bengals

AFC South

1. Texans

2. Colts

3. Titans

4. Jaguars

AFC West

1. Chargers

2. Broncos

3. Chiefs

4. Raiders

MVP: Phillip Rivers

Most Passing Yards: Phillip Rivers

Most Rushing TDs: Adrian Peterson

Most Receiving TDs: Vincent Jackson

Most Sacks: Elvis Dumervil

AFC Wild Cards: Ravens, Jets

First Round Winners: Chargers, Jets

Divisional Round Winners: Patriots, Chargers

Conference Championship: Patriots

NFC Wild Cards: Cowboys, Falcons

First Round Winners: Falcons, Packers

Divisional Round Winners: Saints, Packers

Conference Championship: Saints

Super Bowl Champ: Saints

Super Bowl MVP: Drew Brees

1. Over/Under Games Played Albert Haynesworth, 7.5: Over

2. O/U Games Started by TJack, 9.5: Over

3. O/U Games Played by Peyton Manning, 11.5: Under

4. O/U Games Played by Michael Vick, 13.5: Under

5. O/U TDs by Chad Ochocinco, 6.5: Under

6. Better QB Rating, Bradford or Stafford (min 6 games - if qb plays less than six games, other guy gets it): Bradford

7. Worst Team (record, offensive stats if there's a tie) (aka, Winner of the "Suck for Luck" sweepstakes): Cincinnati Bengals

8. O/U Rookie QB's who Start a Game, 4.5: Over

9. Highest Scoring Team: Atlanta

10. More Rushing Yards, Chris Johnson or Adrian Peterson: Chris Johnson

NFC East

1. Eagles
2. Cowboys
3. Giants
4. Racist Logos

NFC North

1. Packers
2. Lions
3. Bears
4. Vikings

NFC South

1. Falcons
2. Saints
3. Bucs
4. Panthers

NFC West

1.Cardinals
2. Rams
3. Seagulls
4.49ers

AFC East

1. Pats
2. Jets
3. Bills
4. Dolphins

AFC North

1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Browns
4. Bengals

AFC South

1. Texans
2. Colts
3. Titans
4. Jags

AFC West

1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Raiders
4. Broncos

MVP: Aaron Rodgers
Most Passing Yards: Philip Rivers
Most Rushing TD: Arian Foster
Most Receiving TDs: Roddy White
Most Sacks: DeMarcus Ware

AFC Wild Cards: Jets Colts
First Round Winners: Chargers Texans
Second Round Winners: Chargers Steelers
AFC Champs: Chargers

NFC Wild Card: Cowboys Saints
NFC First Round Winners: Falcons Saints
NFC Second Round Winners: Packers Eagles
NFC Champ: Packers

Super Bowl Champ: Packers
Super Bowl MVP: Ryan Grant

1. Over Under Games Played Albert Haynesworth 7.5: over
2. O/U Games Started by Tavaris Jackson 9.5: under
3. O/U Games Played by Peyton Manning 11.5: over
4. O/U Games Played by Michael Vick 13.5: over
5. O/U Touchdowns by Ochocinco 6.5: over
6. Better QB Rating, Bradford or Stafford (min 6 games - if qb plays less than six games, other guy gets it): Stafford
7. Worst Team (record, offensive stats if there's a tie) (aka, Winner of the "Suck for Luck" sweepstakes): 49ers
8. O/U Rookie QB's who Start a Game, 4.5: Over
9. Highest Scoring Team: Patriots
10. More Rushing Yards, Chris Johnson or Adrian Peterson: Peterson

I Know This Game

My picks? You say you want my picks? Listen, we'll get to my picks... you see, sonny, I know this game. I know the number of granules of sand in the infield. EVERY infield. I know the density of every blade of grass in every outfield in this country - that's right, this country. I don't accept that baseball plays north of the border - yes, i count the stats and records of the game up there, but i'm not going to clutter this gem of a brain with details about that wonky retractable roof monstrosity up there in Toe Rahn Toe...

But what I know that you don't, kid, besides all my picks this season, is the secret history of the game. Let me give you an example - you know how all these games get played at night these days, right? That wasn't always the case. Oh you know that? You know that, do ya? Look at you, tellin the old man what he knows and doesn't know.

Well ok, so you know they used to play only during the day. Well did you ever hear the story about Ed Coleman? Wasn't a great player by any means, but has some solid years for the Atheletics (and i still call them that... what's this "A's" business... they're the Atheletics, gawddammit!) in the early 30's. But then 1935 hits, and night games start, this guys career drops off almost immediately. What's that about, I ask you?

See, the problem with Coleman was that he was a werewolf. That's right, a werewolf. Couldn't keep his shit together in night games, always thought the full moon would come out... Day games, he could keep it together just fine - he'd play his game, get to the hotel, lock himself in his room with a bottle of booze and soothe his inner demons... but the night games meant he had to play under moonlight... wouldn't ya know it, within a year, he'd skeedaddled his way out of the league...

Bullshit? Bullshit, you claim? Oh, how would you know, little man, with your internets and your pda's and all that nonsense... always believe what you read, eh?

Just get to the picks??? That's all i'm good for... i get it. Here they are... now beat it and let me get back to my game on the radio...

My Picks

American League

East:

1. Boston

2. New York

3. Tampa

4. Toronto

5. Baltimore

Central:

1. Chicago

2. Minnesota

3. Detroit

4. Kansas City

5. Cleveland

West:

1. Texas

2. Oakland

3. Seattle

4. Los Angeles

AL Wild Card: Yankees

National League

East:

1. Phillies

2. Braves

3. Florida

4. Washington

5. New York

Central:

1. Cincinnati

2. Milwaukee

3. St. Louis

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West:

1. San Francisco

2. Colorado

3. Los Angeles

4. San Diego

5. Arizona

NL Wild Card: Braves

First round playoff winners:

AL: Boston, Texas

NL: Atlanta, Philadelphia

AL Champs: Boston

NL Champs: Philadelphia

World Series Champs: Philadelphia

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez, Bos

NL MVP: Jay Bruce, Cin

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

NL Cy Young: Cliff Lee

HR Leader:

AL: Miguel Cabrera

NL: Jay Bruce

AVG Leader:

AL: Ichiro Suzuki

NL: Albert Pujols

ERA Leader:

AL: Felix Hernandez

NL: Roy Halladay

K's Leader:

AL: Jon Lester

NL: Tim Lincecum

Questions:

1. More Wins: Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee? Cliff Lee

2. Who leads the league in OPS+? Adrian Gonzalez

3. Which league has a greater percentage of teams with winning records, American or National? National

4. Over/Under on number of different Yankees who start a game this season at 7.5? Over

5. Worst Stafff ERA in the Major Leagues? Cleveland

6. When will Jeter get 3,000? June 18

7. Over/Under on Ichiro's XBH at 37.5? Over

8. How many starts by Erik Bedard? 20

9. More Runs by Pedroia or Cano? Pedroia

10. Better Stats, Lincecum or Felix (W, K, ERA, WHIP, SO, CG, HR allowed)? Felix

The Bet - Baseball Edition

Just as a refresher, I'd like to reiterate the rules from last year:

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
• 1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

Old Time Baseball

It ain't something I like to talk about. No sir. Best to let the past be. You go a dragging it up and you like to bring back trouble. Better to let things die.

But I can see you ain't about to let it alone. Youth is like that; can't sit still, can't leave well enough alone. Want to know the truth do you, no matter what the stakes. Fine. But once I pass the knowledge along to you it's your burden.

Back in nineteen and twenty five I was doing a bit of work for the government. I'd fought in the first great war, and on account of my Mother being from Munich, did a little cross trench spying for our boys. Good teacher my Ma. Had me the accent down and everything.

When I got back state side, the federal boys kept in touch. Nothing too official mind you. Just a job here or there. Never much information. Never enough to put together what was going on. But you could guess. Yes sir, you could.

But back in twenty five the federal boys sent a telegram telling me to go on up to New York City. Had me a room booked at the Algonquin hotel. Once I got in I was to get a table at the bar and wait for my orders.

Now The Algonquin was the place to be back then. Any number of famous people in and out of there. So I gets in to the hotel and gets my table at the bar and start knocking down Sazeracs.

Pretty soon this young fella in a nice suit sits down beside me. Had fed written all over him. Name of Jost. Says I had a mark coming by the hotel bar soon. Says I was to find a way to belly up next to him. Gave me a pouch of powder to slip into his drink.

Then he warned me. Don't back out just cause you may recognize this fella. He's a famous ball player he says. Seems the Government had an interest in Baseball. Saw it as a symbol. This ball player I was to meet came off the wrong way, and some people wanted to teach him a lesson. Get him out the picture for a spell. Also they figured he was half black.

And can you guess who that ball player turned out to be? It was Babe Ruth. He was easy to get close to; seemed like he was booked entertainment and not a customer the way he was talking people up.

I hated to slip him the powder that gave him that famous stomach ache that made him miss half the season. But that was my job back then. I went right out after and bet a whole bunch of money against the Yankees winning anything that year and sure enough they didn't even finish .500. Won a truck load of money. Ain't never looked back neither. That's how I'm still picking them today. Winners too boy, you bet.

AL East

1. Yankees

2. Red Sux

3. Blue Jays

4. Orioles

5. Rays

AL Central

1. White sox

2. Twins

3. Tigers

4. Royals

5. Racist Logos

AL West

1. Rangers

2 Angels

3. A's

4. Swabbies

NL East

1. Phillies

2. Braves

3. Marlins

4. Mets

5. Nationals

NL Central

1. Reds

2. Brewers

3. Cardinals

4. Cubs

5. Pirates

6. Astros

NL West

1. Giants

2. Dodgers

3. Rockies

4. Diamondbacks

AL Wild Card: Red Sux

NL Wild Card: Braves

Alcs winner: Yankees over Rangers

Nlcs winner: Reds over Phillies

WS Winner: Yankees over Reds

WS MVP: CC Sabathia

AL MVP Mark Texiera

NL MVP Puljos

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay

AL ROY: Jeremy Hellickson

NL ROY: Freddie Freeman

NL Avg: Hanley Ramirez

AL Avg: Miguel Cabrera

NL HR: Prince Fielder

AL HR: Mark Texiera

NL ERA: Roy Halladay

AL ERA: Felix Hernandez

NL K: Roy Halladay

AL K: Justin Verlander

1. When will Jeter reach 3000 hits? July 2nd

2. Over under on Ichiro's extra base hits- 37.5? Under

3. Better stats Lincecum or Felix- W, K, ERA, WHIP, SO, CG, HR allowed? Felix

4. Games started by E. Bedard? 14

5. More runs scored Pedroia or Cano? Pedroia

6. More Wins: Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee? Halladay

7. Who leads the league in OPS+? Pujlos

8. Which league has a greater percentage of teams with winning records, American or

National? American

9. Over/Under on number of different Yankees who start a game this season at 7.5? Over

10. Worst Stafff ERA in the Major Leagues? Houston

Pad and Paper

I knew they were coming for me. I could hear the shrill growling off in the distance, the moaning and shifting of legs. They were so fast - who knew they could be so fast? We all thought the undead walked with the slow, groaning pace of the old Romero movies. Boy were we wrong. Those fuckers can cruise.

I slinked along the shadows, the only light from the fires burning in the distance and an obscenely full moon. That moon would be my savior and my downfall, I was sure. Yes, I could see the bastards, but they could see me too. Their vacant, yellowing eyes bulge and glinted red when they caught sight of me. At that point, it was kill or be killed, and pacifist as I once was, I ain't too bad a shot.

As I rounded the corner of the decaying brownstone block, I saw them. There was a feeding frenzy off in the distance, and the bastards seemed to be coming from miles around to join in the mayhem. I took the opportunity to swing up on the fire escape, one of few that I had seen that seemed sturdy and still attached to the building. Always go for higher ground, pappy always told me.

A blessedly cool breeze met me at the top of the 4 story building, carrying with it embers of the burning city, but also a refreshing spirit. Maybe I could make it after all. God knows how, but maybe... It was then that, at the far end of the building, I spied him. A tall, ragged figure hunched over a pen and paper. I didn't know any of those remained in this hell hole, but like everything else, if you lucked into it, you could find stashes of just about everything. Canned food, porn, baby dolls, magazines, you name it.

He scribbled with such intensity, such fury. What could he be writing? Had he learned a way to defeat the undead hordes? I rushed over to him, sawed-off cocked and ready. As I neared, he finished scrawling, pausing to re-read the tome. At that point, he must have heard my weak footsteps, as his head perked up. Then it cocked at the most unnatural angle to look straight through me.

Those eyes. Those yellowing eyes, tinged with red. He was one of them! It took no time at all for me to do what was needed. Fucker had to die, and die he did. As he staggered backwards and fell from the precipice, I crouched and snuck over to the pad to see what secrets he had to share. Ugh, figures... the non-sensical scribblings of a zombified madman.... I kept down and sought cover.

NFC

East

1. Cowboys

2. Giants

3. Eagles

4. Redskins

South

1. Saints

2. Falcons

3. Bucs

4. Panthers

North

1. Packers

2. Vikings

3. Lions

4. Bears

West

1. 49ers

2. Seahawks

3. Cardinals

4. Rams

AFC

East

1. Patriots

2. Jets

3. Dolphins

4. Bills

South

1. Colts

2. Texans

3. Titans

4. Jaguars

North

1. Ravens

2. Bengals

3. Steelers

4. Browns

West

1. Chargers

2. Broncos

3. Chiefs

4. Raiders

NFC Wildcards: Giants, Falcons

AFC Wildcards: Bengals, Texans

NFC First Round Winners: 49ers, Cowboys

AFC First Round Winners: Texans, Patriots

NFC Divisional Winners: Cowboys, Packers

AFC Divisional Winners: Colts, Ravens

NFC Champion: Packers

AFC Champion: Ravens

Super Bowl Champion: Packers

Super Bowl MVP: Aaron Rodgers

MVP: Aaron Rodgers, GB

Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees, NO

Defensive Player of the Year: Patrick Willis, SF

Questions:

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20 - Over

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten) - Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7 - Over

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? - TO

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4 = Over

6. Best Record in the NFL: Saints
7. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
8. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
9. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
10. Sack Leader in NFL: Mario Williams

The moments of forgetfulness are what matter. Release of the mind allows me to survive in the present. Instinct forms the man into the beast within. Just like them.

But I can't forget. Not for long. It chases me, the past. Taunts me with its mundane complexities, and comfortable simplicities. My boring bloodless life before the Moon turned red, and the Sun shone black.

I hunt people now, just like the dead. They hunt for food. I hunt for hope. I'd found one months ago. Obviously a bear of a man once, he'd shrunken and bent to the bitter realities of a world cursed. He was anxious to leave. Like most people after the fall, he felt there was safety in hermitage: stay low, stay quiet, stay hidden. Any group draws attention, and the only ones paying were the hoards.

We talked around a fire that night; a dangerous thing. His spirit had grown so dark as to be a shadow. In an effort to help, I broke my rule against memory. We talked about football. That silly pointless game that left the players broken, and the fans broke. We both had loved it once.

He surprised me with a sudden brightening. An offer of a wager. The prize a bottle of fine whiskey. It was a silly thing, a pointless thing. I couldn't say yes fast enough.

The horrors came before dawn, and we were scattered. I ran over a mile before looking back. The creatures are fast, but clumsy over rough, uneven terrain. Once out of sight they stop chasing. The prey forgotten. The dead have no memory.

But mine was back. I'd scratched my answers to the wager in ash with a smoldering twig onto the pages of a battered hymnal. I'll find him I told myself. And I'll win that bottle of whiskey. And I'll drink this whole damned world away.

Fin.

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Racist Logos
4. Eagles

NFC West,
1. 49ers
2. Cardinals
3. Seagulls
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Raiders
3. Chiefs
4. Broncos

AFC North
1. Ravens
2. Steelers
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Texans
3. Titans
4. Jags

MVP: Drew Brees
Offensive Player of the Year: Chris Johnson
Defensive player of the Year: Demarcus Ware
AFC Wildcards: Steelers, Jets
NFC Wildcards: Giants, Vikings
AFC First Round Winners: Ravens, Patriots
AFC Second Round Winners: Ravens, Colts
AFC Champ: Ravens
NFC First Round Winners: Giants, Cowboys
NFC Second Round Winners: Packers, Cowboys
NFC Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl Champ: Cowboys
Super Bowl MVP: Tony Romo

1. Best Record in the NFL: Colts
2. Worst Record in the NFL: Bills
3. More Yards Passing Rivers, or Brady?: Brady
4. Cowboy with Most Rushing TDs: Barber
5. Sack Leader in NFL: DeMarcus Ware

1. Over/Under Interceptions for Favre at 20: Under

2. More rushing yards, Adrian Peterson (Minn) or Chris Johnson (Ten): Johnson

3. Over/Under wins for Seahawks at 7: Under

4. More receptions, TO or Ochocinco? Ochocinco

5. Over/Under on games Tony Romo throws 2 or more interceptions at 4: Under

I used to love hacking. Cracking codes, inserting worms and basically fucking with the system was what I lived for. Now its a job. But as jobs go it's better than most. Hacking got me off the family ranch and its stench of cow shit and into New York where everybody's full of bull shit. I'll take that trade every time.

Take this whack-job who hires me last week. Wanted me to setup a remote video/audio receiver with speak/mic capability. No problem. Than he says he wants it the size of a skin cell. Sure I says. I'll get it to you in a hundred years. He mumbles something about more like 65. Anyway I let him know what I Could Do, which was pretty badass.

Turns out this weirdo's a big time gambler. Places these bets on baseball of all things. Regular Pete Rose this guy. I told him UFC 's what's up these days. He says only until 2015 and it's revealed that 80% of the fighters are gay. When I asked how he'd know something like that, he feeds me the biggest load of shit since the farm. From the future he says. Riggghhtt.

Seems Future-Boy got some blood feud with a backwoods Pacific Northwestern clan called Jasters or Toasters or something. Figures he could fool one of them into believing a light bulb was the voice of God, or the Devil, or Jimmy the fucking Greek. Cute idea. Ask me it'll never work unless this guys a total 'tard. But hey his money's green and it must be growing off trees for as much as he's willing to lay down to get it done.

The job goes like as smooth as Kevin Durant. In and out in less than 30 minutes. An hour later I'm at the nut-job's Tribeca loft. An hour after that we're smoking cigars while he's speaking into a mic and low and behold that dimwit in the Slope thinks it's some miraculous space voice. Gotta give it to this nut-job, he's a real con who knew his mark.


AMERICAN LEAGUE:
East:

1. Yankees


2. Sux


3. Rays


4. Orioles


5. Blue Jays

Central:

1. Twins


2. White Sox
   
3. Tigers


4. Indians


5. Royals

West:

1. Angels


2. Mariners


3. Rangers


4. A's

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

East:

1. Phillies


2. Braves


3. Mets


4. Marlins


5. Nationals

Central:

1. Cardinals


2. Brewers


3. Cubs


4. Reds


5. Astros


6. Pirates

West:

1. Dodgers


2. Rockies
   


3. Giants
   


4. Diamondbacks


5. Padres

NL WC: Braves

AL WC: Sux

AL: Yanks over Angels, Sux over Twins

NL: Phillies over Dodgers, Cardinals over Braves

AL:Yanks over Sux
NL:Cardinals over Phillies

Cardinals over Yanks

Batting Champ:

AL- Ichiro

NL- Albert Puljos

Home Run Champ:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Prince Fielder

ERA Champ:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

Strikeout Champ:

AL- Zack Greinke

NL- Tim Lincecum

MVP:

AL- A-Rod

NL- Chase Utley

Cy Young:

AL- Felix Hernandez

NL- Roy Halladay

More K's Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay: Halladay

More Games Started Rich Harden or Ben Sheets: Rich Harden

When does the Stephen the Anchor Strasburg get his first start: May 22nd

How many fewer runs do the Sux allow: 16

Worst Team in MLB: San Diego Padres

O/U AL Home Run Leader 42.5- Over

O/U AL Pitching Wins Leader 20.5- Under

O/U Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played 236.5- Under

Higher AVG. Cano or Pedroia-Cano

O/U Mariners HR Leader 27.5- Over

2010 MLB Wager Rules

As an annual reminder, here are this year's rules, with the new categories added at the end.

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points
• 1 point each for correctly answering the 10 yearly questions generated by BS and Zaaq - 10 possible points

Perfect season = 136 points

In Search of the Fourth

Beneath my apartment, in the treacly dark depths, across the cobweb abyss, lies a pulsating blue orb. Its' low-level hum can hypnotize - you can be drawn into the blue fog and emerge in dimensions unknown. The properties of this orb are myriad and largely benevolent - keeps away insects and vermin, encourages deep and sound sleep, provides protection from all muggers and parasitic viral infection. But perhaps most important of them all, the pulsating blue orb provides counsel, support and protection from futuristic, booze-slinging-and-swilling Yankee prognosticators.

While the orb is not perfect, it's successes have been well documented. Repeated Cowboy and Yankee trouncings were only made possible by the disrupting forces which emanate from its electic core. It's cold fusion based energy propel all who supplicate themselves into stratospheric heights, particularly in the confusingly narrow confines of sports predictions.

Now I was reluctant to turn over authority to this orb of obscure origins, this ball of befuddlement, this sphere of sports picks, this globe of guesses, this pellet of prediction. But as they say in the good book, results are results.

...

...

hmmhmhmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmhmhnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmm

(That was the blue ball. He just recited an entire novel's worth of information. If your inferior mind can hack it, i suggest you try to unpack it and see what's there. Your mind will be blown)

And so, with no further adieu, and to get to the end so I can return the glowing orb to its treacly dark, I give you Zaaq's Baseball picks.

American League

East

1. New York

2. Boston

3. Tampa

4. Baltimore

5. Toronto

Central

1. Minnesota

2. Chicago

3. Detroit

4. Cleveland

5. Kansas City

West

1. Seattle

2. Texas

3. Los Angeles

4. Oakland

Wildcard: Boston

MVP: Alex Rodriguez

Cy Young: Felix Hernandez

HR Leader: Miguel Cabrera

Average Leader: Joe Mauer

ERA Leader: Felix Hernandez

Strikeouts Leader: C.C. Sabathia

National League

East

1. Atlanta

2. Philadelphia

3. Florida

4. New York

5. Washington

Central

1. St. Louis

2. Cincinnati

3. Milwaukee

4. Chicago

5. Pittsburgh

6. Houston

West

1. Colorado

2. San Francisco

3. Arizona

4. Los Angeles

5. San Diego

Wildcard: Philadelphia

MVP: Chase Utley

Cy Young: Roy Halladay

HR Leader: Prince Fielder

Average Leader: Pablo Sandoval

ERA Leader: Roy Halladay

Strikeouts Leader: Tim Lincecum

Divisional Playoffs and Winners

New York v Seattle, NY wins

Boston v Minnesota, Minnesota wins

Philadelphia v St. Louis, Philadelphia wins

Atlanta v Colorado, Atlanta

wins

AL Champion - Minnesota

NL Champion - Atlanta

World Series - Minnesota

Questions For This Year

1. More K's, Ryan Howard or Roy Halladay? Halladay

2. More Games Started, Ben Sheets or Rich Harden? Sheets

3. What day does Steven Strasburg get his first start? May 23

4. How many fewer runs do the Red Sox allow? 18

5. Worst team in the Majors? Houston Astros

6. Over/Under AL HR Leader, 42.5? Over

7. Over/Under AL Pitching Wins Leader? Under

8. Over/Under Chipper Jones + Troy Glaus combined games played, 236.5? Over

9. Higher Batting Average, Robinson Cano or Dustin Pedroia? Robinson Cano

10. Over/Under Mariners HR Leader, 27.5? Unnnnnnnnder (they'll be lucky to get someone with 22)

Cronk-Rosaly Wedding

Here's my semi-drunken pics - well, some of them are sober...

2009 Football Picks (finally...)

So Bad Sunglasses has been pestering me (with good reason) to get my picks up earlier than him for once. I mean, this criticism is well founded, for sure. He's always the first to post, that can be stipulated. However, I am always the one to win. This means that he must believe my strategy is to see what he picks and then go a fair distance away from such picks.

I can assure you, dear reader (as there is surely only one), that this is not the case. And to prove it, I shall seek to repeat my 2008 Football performance with the following picks:

Zaaq's Picks

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Dolphins
4. Bills

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Bengals
3. Ravens
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Texans
2. Colts
3. Titans
4. Jaguars

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

NFC East
1. Giants
2. Cowboys
3. Eagles
4. Redskins

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Bears
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

NFC West
1. Seahawks
2. Cardinals
3. Niners
4. Rams

AFC Wild Card Teams: Jets, Colts
NFC Wild Card Teams: Cowboys, Falcons

Winners of AFC Wild Card Round: Patriots, Colts
Winners of NFC Wild Card Round: Cowboys, Seahawks

Winners of AFC Division Round: Steelers, Patriots
Winners of NFC Division Round: Giants, Saints

Winners of Conference Championship Games: Giants, Patriots

Winner of Super Bowl: Patriots

MVP: Tom Brady
Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees
Defensive Player of the Year: Mario Williams
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry



Also, here is a reiteration of the ground rules (patterned on the 2009 Baseball modifications):

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the AFC and NFC, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the Super Bowl champs. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's offensive and defensive players of the year, as well as offensive rookies of the year for offense and defense and the comeback player of the year.

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 32 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 8 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 40 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 8 total points
• 4 points for picking the correct winners of the wild card playoff round - 16 possible points
  
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 8 points for picking the correct league champion - 16 possible points
• 10 points for picking the Super Bowl winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for Offensive Player of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Offensive Rookie of the Year, Defensive Rookie of the Year, and MVP - 5 possible points

Perfect season = 151 points

The shame. The horror. Losing to a barbarian from the unsettled Northeast, and I a proud son of the original thirteen; a citizen of import, of stature.

No more. It can not stand! here it ends and ends well for all citizens of the civilized east as they glory at the cast down husk of the land's-end upstart.

Redemption! I will taste your waters when I drink his blood. Victory! I will plant your flag of true men of the thirteen deep in his chest. Conquest! I will pick the 2009 NFL season to perfection turning all barbarous barristers brains jellied with envy.




NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Eagles
4. Racist Logos

NFC West,
1. Seagulls
2. Cardinals
3. 49ers
4. Rams

NFC North
1. Vikings
2.Bears
3. Packers
4. Lions

NFC South
1. Falcons
2. Saints
3. Panthers
4. Bucs

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Dolphins
3. Bills
4. Jets

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Chiefs
3. Broncos
4. Raiders

AFC North
1. Steelers
2. Ravens
3. Bengals
4. Browns

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Titans
3. Texans
4. Jags

MVP: Phillip Rivers
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive player of the Year: Ed Reed
Offens ive Rookie of the Year: Knowshon Moreno
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Tyson Jackson

AFC Wildcards: Ravens Titans
NFC Wildcards: Giants Bears

AFC First Round Winners: Colts Steelers
AFC Second Round Winners: Chargers Colts
AFC Champ: Chargers

NFC First Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Second Round Winners: Giants Vikings
NFC Champ: Giants

Super Bowl Champ: Chargers
Super Bowl MVP: Phillip Rivers

25 Dubious DVD Double Features

Thought I'd take a break from ranting about the sports world, as the Yankees are currently driving me batshit. Instead I've cooked up something a little different. A cockamamie list that will deprive you of precious moments you'll never get back.

When I used to go to my video store here in Brooklyn, which could pass for The Weather Underground's east coast head quarters, I always ended pairing up my movies. You know two horror flicks, or maybe a couple of foreign pictures.

But I noticed that since I switched to Netflix (with my two films at a time plan), my pairings have gotten more specific. Instead of just two comedies say, I'll send off for two 1990s adolescent sex romps, or two social satires about joining the military.

So in an effort to infect others with my own cinefile swine flu, I've pieced together some films that I think go together like Meth and trailer parks. Here's hoping it curdles the desire in your brain to ever watch a movie by itself again.

The Documentary Style, French War Crimes Double Feature:

The Battle of Algiers and The Sorrow and the Pity

Really they shouldn't be scolding anybody. Have your Prozac on hand for afterwards.

The Claustrophobic Horror of The Icy Poles Double Feature:

The Thing and The Last Winter

One deals with murderous extra-terrestrials in Antarctica and the other with murderous inner-terrestrials in the Arctic. Where you gonna run when it's fifty below outside?

The White Hat, Black Hat Western Double Feature:

Shane and Once Upon a Time in the West

Marx and Lenin would love these movies. The evil land grabber and his cronies against the reformed gunslinger protecting the homesteaders. Americans just dig on the violence.

The Sadistic Apathy of American Youth Double Feature:

River's Edge and Kids

Say your bud strangles his girlfriend, or has AIDS and is raping chicks at your party. What do you do? Keep getting high.

The I Hate You, I Love You Romantic Comedy, Road Movie Double Feature:

It Happened One Night and Romancing the Stone

Two opposites argue their way across country and eventually into each others arms. Kinda like your Parents on vacation, without the each others arms bit.

The What Am I Complaining About, Triumph Over Deformity Double Feature

The Elephant Man and Mask

Reminds you what a shallow, whiny, jerk you are. In a good way.

The Dear God, Please Have An Abortion Next Time Double Feature

It's Alive and Eraserhead

No really. No more babies for you. Ever.

The Don't Orphans Have It Bad Enough Already Double Feature

The Devil's Backbone and The Orphanage

Dickens meets Polanski and the poor wee ones get the shaft.

The That Bitch Is Bad News Double Feature

Double Indemnity and Body Heat

Yeah I know she's smoking. But dude, it's just not worth it. OK maybe a little bit.

The That Bitch is Crazy Double Feature

Fatal Attraction and Single White Female

You know a movie works when the title is commonly used as an adverb and an adjective. As in " Watch out Bro, that bitch will go Fatal Attraction on your ass", or "That bitch is so Single White Female".

The Old-Timer's Got One Last Journey In Them, Road Movie Double Feature

The Trip To Bountiful and The Straight Story

It's a little messed up that we're surprised when really old people express free will. Tellingly, neither story takes place in Florida.

The Scream At The Screen "Idiot! Don't Do It!", Modern Noir Double Feature

Blood Simple and Red Rock West

Rednecks are so dumb. So homicidally dumb.

The I Think I'll Drink Myself To Death This Weekend Double Feature

The Lost Weekend and Leaving Las Vegas

At least one of them gets it right.

The Washed-Up Country Singer Tries For A Comeback Double Feature

Tender Mercies, and Honkytonk Man

Released at about the same time, Duvall's picture took a lot of steam out of Eastwood's, but they're pretty much equal flicks.

The Emotionally Manipulative Boxing Tear-Jerker Double Feature

The Champ and Million Dollar Baby

Why should someone, who's only trying to beat people unconscious for money, have to end so tragically? Just so unfair.

The Individual Location As American Zeitgeist, Ensemble Piece Double Feature

Nashville and Magnolia

A decade conveniently reduced for you consumption. Like a generational all day sucker.

The I'm So Fucking Confused Double Feature

Jacob's Ladder and The Machinist

So what just happened? That was a flashback? I thought it was a dream sequence. Wait. Rewind it, rewind it.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold And The Accidental Pimp, Farce Double Feature

Night Shift and Doctor Detroit

There were actually a lot of these in the early eighties; back in the land before AIDS.

The Beware Eastern European Women At All Costs, Horror Movie Double Feature

Cat People and Hostel

No, go ahead. Don't take my word for it. But don't blame me when she turns into a panther and sells your ass to a torturers club.

The English Are Depraved Murderous Cretins Double Feature

Straw Dogs and A Clockwork Orange

Both films were banned in Britain, so you know they've got to be good.

The American Junkie Double Feature

Drugstore Cowboy and The Panic In Needle Park

No glorification here. Probably Matt Dillion's best movie, and the movie that got Pacino his role in the Godfather.

The Subversively Hilarious Gore Fest Double Feature

Evil Dead II and Dead Alive

Chainsaws and lawnmowers finally used as God intended. And by God, I mean Cthulhu the devourer of souls.

The Last Day Of High School, Coming Of Age, Period Piece Double Feature

American Graffiti and Dazed and Confused

One was made in the seventies about the fifties and the other in the nineties about the seventies. So we should expect another of this same type of film in about five years or so.

The Let's Hope The Current Recession Doesn't Get This Bad, Great Depression Double Feature

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? and Ironweed

So which is more depressingly desperate: dancing yourself to death or drinking yourself to death? You just might get to choose!


And Finally...


The Film Set in Kenya All About The Romantic Troubles Of A Rich White Woman, Double Feature

Out Of Africa and I Dreamed Of Africa

OK people, you really shouldn't watch these last two horrible, horrible movies; unless it's for their sheer jaw dropping obliviousness to their own galaxy sized douche-baggery. Then it's OK.

Lucky Number Three

So it was the weirdest thing... It was the third day of March, and I was halfway through a six-pack of my Ommegang Three Philosophers. I had just returned home via the 3 train from my job at the rope factory, and was well into the George Clooney - Mark Wahlberg - Spike Jonze classic "Three Kings" when I heard the distinct clanging of a cowbell from my backyard.

I sprung to attention and lept to the backyard, only to hear three more clangings of the cowbell, and a strange, hobbit/witch hybrid creature appear in a puff of smoke.

In a gravelly, creaky and downright unsettling tone, this peculiar creature croaked, "You have 3's in your future. It has happened twice before, and your opportunity for the thrice shall appear within the fortnight..." I was about to quibble with this woman/hobbit abomination, but before I could get a word out, another three clangs on the cowbell and a puff of smoke. She was gone.

In her stead, a crow. Three caws and he too was gone.

I chalked this up to having had 3 large, heavily alcohol laden beers, but even under my most blotto conditions, never had I hallucinated crows and hobbit witches...

I spent the next several days at the ready, searching for any possible meanings for "the thrice" and coming up blank time after time. Soon thereafter, though, on the creepiest Friday the 13th I was ever to know, a flash of light blinded me as I walked the lonely streets of Brooklyn.

Across the street, in the distance, I noticed a bewildered man in strange dress. The strange was not the source of my interest, for in his hand, the man clutched a large starfish. All my life, for no apparent reason, I have harbored unnatural aversions to the most peculiar of sea-faring creatures, but have felt strangely compelled to them.

Drawn as though possessed by magnetism, I approached the frightened and bewildered man... I know that man... that is a Coxian visage if ever I saw him... He held in his other hand... THE WAGER!!!!

It was then that I knew my quest - I must summon forth from the depths of my being my list. My wager. That was the thrice. I had mustered the forethought and prognosticatory ability to master the Cox before, and as the hobbit-witch lady predicted, my chance for a third time now presented itself.

"Behold, Future Man! Your challenge is accepted. I shall prove to the Cox line, once and for all, the Jostian superiority over all things prognosticating. Shake in your futuristic boots, bionic boy!"

The Predictions

AL East:
1. Boston
2. New York
3. Tampa
4. Toronto
5. Baltimore

AL Central:
1. Cleveland
2. Minnesota
3. Detroit
4. Kansas City
5. Chicago

AL West:
1. Los Angeles
2. Oakland
3. Seattle
4. Texas

NL East:
1. New York
2. Philadelphia
3. Florida
4. Atlanta
5. Washington

NL Central:
1. Chicago
2. Milwaukee
3. Cincinnati
4. St. Louis
5. Houston
6. Pittsburgh

NL West:
1. Los Angeles
2. San Francisco
3. Arizona
4. Colorado
5. Padres


Wild Card Teams:
AL: New York
NL: Milwaukee

Division Playoffs:
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels
Cubs over Dodgers
Mets over Brewers

AL Champions: Red Sox
NL Champions: Mets
World Series: Red Sox in 6

Batting Champ:
AL: Ichiro
NL: Chipper Jones

Home Run Champ:
AL: Mark Teixeira
NL: Ryan Howard

ERA Champ:
AL: Roy Halladay
NL: Johan Santana

Strikeout Champ:
AL: Tim Lincecum
NL: C.C. Sabathia

MVP:
AL: Grady Sizemore
NL: David Wright

Cy Young:
AL: C.C. Sabathia
NL: Johan Santana

Contest Rules

In order to reduce to writing the new, improved rules of the challenge before us, they are as follows:

The wager: One bottle of mid-grade spirits, to be chosen by the victor. No plastic jugs from the bottom shelf, no dusty bottles from the top shelf... somewhere in the 30-60 dollar range.

The rules: Each participant - Zaaq and BS - must choose the correct final standings of all divisions in the American League and National League, the Wild Card teams, the Division Series winners, the League Championship winners, and the World Series champ. Additionally, each participant must choose each league's MVP, Cy Young Winner, HR champ, Batting Average Champ, Strikeouts Champ and ERA champ (for starting pitching).

The point structure:

• One point for each correct slot picked - 30 total possible points
• 2 additional points for each division winner correctly picked - 12 points
• 5 additional points for each division completely correctly picked - 30 total points
• 2 points for picking the correct wild card teams - 4 total points
• 4 points for picking each correct divisional championship winner - 16 possible points
• 6 points for picking the correct league champion - 12 possible points
• 10 points for picking the world series winner - 10 possible points
• 1 point each for MVP, Cy Young, HR leader, Average leader, ERA leader and Ks leader - 12 possible points

Perfect season = 126 points

The Wager II - 2009 MLB Predictions

I work in a world you can't see. A world of nanotechnology surveillance. Robots, as small as skin cells and as numerous as gnats, fly around and feed visuals back to my head-set. I can direct each individual bot. In times of urgency, I can unleash an J.W.B. ( assassin bot) the size of a bumble bee to deliver a fatal dose of Ricin. It's not the most efficient poison, but we can always blame it on the Russians.

The off-hours were the best and I looked forward to them. Despair reached new heights on the street. Every seedy hell-hole was full of first-timers.

I had a place: below the grid and hidden astride the tight winding side-streets of Downtown. I liked it because it lacked identity. Never the same people. Never the same Gangs.

Slipping in the bar, I immediately spied my corner seat open. It had a view of the front door, a back to the wall, and a clear path to the kitchen and the rear exit. I was always a man who needed options.

Ordering a double Pappy Van Winkle and a tall-boy Chimay, I scanned the place. It was something I picked up after they shipped me overseas. When you do what I do for a living, you're always behind enemy lines. And when you're behind the lines, there's always a sniper.

The place looked clean. I knew all the employees. There were a group of kids wasting credits reenacting the Altamont concert on the Virtual Replicator towards the back. They were no worry. The Display Wall had the game on.

The New York Yankees versus the Oklahoma City Mariners. Great match-up. My family had made their fortune betting Baseball games against an obscure family of rope-binders from Seattle. Strangely the family of Jost was always willing to bet obscene amounts of money against their rope-binding business ( the entire Pacific Northwest live in Tree-Huts ). After an initial feint of betting weakness; we drew the truffle to our ravenous pig-snout. Baseball was in my blood, and in my credit card.

I was on my second Van Winkle, and the game was about to start, when a large man dressed in the dense wool and hemp of a Puget Sound sailor bellied up to the bar beside me. There were bits of sardines in his beard.

" Be you buying me a drink," he said. " A Laphroaig will do."

I have a full defense skin job. They sent millions of bots into my epidermis. A mother-fucker touches me and he's Tased. I get a nice tingling sensation. So I wasn't worried about the man.

The bartender brought the scotch. "Drink up", I said, and got up to leave.

"Now don't be hasty, my name's Jost". He stopped me dead in my tracks. "I've come a long way to bring you this". He had a Giant Starfish.

"What do you want"? I cloistered back beside him ready to pounce if his salty villainy would surface. "The bet has been made this year. I could kill you for trespassing on The Wager."

"But being I wasn't from this year?" He took his scotch and downed it like vodka. "Then what might you say? Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather sent me here with this beast. It has the ability to send one through time...if you feed it only turnips. Don't ask, your ancestors were fucked".

I ordered another round and the disheveled Mariner rapped on.

"Back in the year of 2009 your besotted ancestors forgot to include their baseball predictions in their letter to me family. By accident they had instead inserted detailed instructions for bizarre vegetable sex rituals. Grim stuff it be. And me thinks on purpose it might be."

At this point I fingered the bot injector in my pocket. I could inject this madman with a bot the size of a flea and once in contact with heat it would expand to the size of a grapefruit rupturing any vital arteries or organs around it. But there was a ring of truth to his backward speech. And I also had a turnip in my pocket.

"Me and mine were ready to declare victory once again until your damnable ancestors found in our original agreement a caveat at the bottom, in fine print, written backwards, in coded Sanskrit, upside down, scribed in stealthy ink only visible by firelight. Funny how that a seems to happen more than you'd think."

"So let me guess Stinky," I said. "My rocking ancestors who mastered time-travel sent you here to get me to pick the 2009 season. But couldn't I cheat and just check out the results? Why did you go forward in time instead of back"?

"Like I said, your ancestors were fucked. But they bred these giant crustaceans to have power over the minds of men, and once grasped even a lying scallywag like yourself must be true to their word. Now take your burden!" He shoved the Giant Starfish into my hands and instantly disappeared.

Looking down at the exposed underbelly of this strange beast, my mind swam. It's large beak, exposed and slowly clicking, hypnotized me. I felt myself falling, falling...falling.

I awoke in a daze. I was lying on the street as people strangely dressed stepped by without a second look. After gaining my bearings, I stood and took in my surroundings. I was aghast.

The cars, the buildings, everything around me was like the Holo-History in school. I would have believed I had been bushwhacked and thrown into a Sim-Player, but for the Giant Starfish still gripping my hand and my ability to touch the people passing by.

After multiple attempts to get someone to tell me the date, finally a young Mother told me my doom: Friday the 13th March 2009. I turned my face to the sky and let out a violent,"No!"

fin
( for now)

American League:

East
1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Rays
4. Orioles
5. Jays

Central
1. Twins
2. Racist Logos
3. White Sox
4. Tigers
5. Royals

West
1. Angels
2.A's
3. Rangers
4. Mariners

National League:

East
1. Mets
2. Phillies
3. Braves
4. Marlins
5. Nationals

Central
1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
3. Brewers
4. Reds
5. Astros
6. Pirates

West
1. Dodgers
2. Diamondbacks
3. Giants
4. Rockies
5. Padres

Batting Champ

AL: Dustin Pedroia, Sox
NL: Albert Pujols, Cardinals

Home Run Champ

AL: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
NL: Ryan Howard, Philles

ERA Champ

AL: Roy Halladay, Blue Jays
NL: Johan Santana, Mets

Strikeout Champ

AL: A.J. Burnett
NL: Tim Lincecum

MVP's

AL: Mark Teixeira, Yankees-1B
NL: Manny Ramirez, Dodgers-LF

Cy Young

AL: Jon Lester- Red Sox
NL: Johan Santana- Mets

Divisional Series:
AL: Yanks over Angels in 5 games
Red Sox over in Twins 3 games

NL: Mets over Dodgers in 3 games
Cubs over Phillies in 5 games

Championship Series:
AL: Yanks over Red Sox in 7 games
NL: Cubs over Mets in 6 games

World Series:

Yankees over Cubs in 5 games