Thought I'd take a break from ranting about the sports world, as the Yankees are currently driving me batshit. Instead I've cooked up something a little different. A cockamamie list that will deprive you of precious moments you'll never get back.
When I used to go to my video store here in Brooklyn, which could pass for The Weather Underground's east coast head quarters, I always ended pairing up my movies. You know two horror flicks, or maybe a couple of foreign pictures.
But I noticed that since I switched to Netflix (with my two films at a time plan), my pairings have gotten more specific. Instead of just two comedies say, I'll send off for two 1990s adolescent sex romps, or two social satires about joining the military.
So in an effort to infect others with my own cinefile swine flu, I've pieced together some films that I think go together like Meth and trailer parks. Here's hoping it curdles the desire in your brain to ever watch a movie by itself again.
The Documentary Style, French War Crimes Double Feature:The Battle of Algiers and
The Sorrow and the PityReally they shouldn't be scolding anybody. Have your Prozac on hand for afterwards.
The Claustrophobic Horror of The Icy Poles Double Feature:The Thing and
The Last WinterOne deals with murderous extra-terrestrials in Antarctica and the other with murderous inner-terrestrials in the Arctic. Where you gonna run when it's fifty below outside?
The White Hat, Black Hat Western Double Feature:Shane and
Once Upon a Time in the WestMarx and Lenin would love these movies. The evil land grabber and his cronies against the reformed gunslinger protecting the homesteaders. Americans just dig on the violence.
The Sadistic Apathy of American Youth Double Feature:River's Edge and
KidsSay your bud strangles his girlfriend, or has AIDS and is raping chicks at your party. What do you do? Keep getting high.
The I Hate You, I Love You Romantic Comedy, Road Movie Double Feature:It Happened One Night and
Romancing the StoneTwo opposites argue their way across country and eventually into each others arms. Kinda like your Parents on vacation, without the each others arms bit.
The What Am I Complaining About, Triumph Over Deformity Double FeatureThe Elephant Man and
MaskReminds you what a shallow, whiny, jerk you are. In a good way.
The Dear God, Please Have An Abortion Next Time Double FeatureIt's Alive and
EraserheadNo really. No more babies for you. Ever.
T
he Don't Orphans Have It Bad Enough Already Double FeatureThe Devil's Backbone and
The OrphanageDickens meets Polanski and the poor wee ones get the shaft.
The That Bitch Is Bad News Double FeatureDouble Indemnity and
Body HeatYeah I know she's smoking. But dude, it's just not worth it. OK maybe a little bit.
The That Bitch is Crazy Double Feature
Fatal Attraction and
Single White FemaleYou know a movie works when the title is commonly used as an adverb and an adjective. As in " Watch out Bro, that bitch will go Fatal Attraction on your ass", or "That bitch is so Single White Female".
The Old-Timer's Got One Last Journey In Them, Road Movie Double FeatureThe Trip To Bountiful and
The Straight StoryIt's a little messed up that we're surprised when really old people express free will. Tellingly, neither story takes place in Florida.
The Scream At The Screen "Idiot! Don't Do It!", Modern Noir Double FeatureBlood Simple and
Red Rock WestRednecks are so dumb. So homicidally dumb.
The I Think I'll Drink Myself To Death This Weekend Double FeatureThe Lost Weekend and
Leaving Las VegasAt least one of them gets it right.
The Washed-Up Country Singer Tries For A Comeback Double FeatureTender Mercies, and
Honkytonk ManReleased at about the same time, Duvall's picture took a lot of steam out of Eastwood's, but they're pretty much equal flicks.
The Emotionally Manipulative Boxing Tear-Jerker Double FeatureThe Champ and
Million Dollar BabyWhy should someone, who's only trying to beat people unconscious for money, have to end so tragically? Just so unfair.
The Individual Location As American Zeitgeist, Ensemble Piece Double FeatureNashville and
MagnoliaA decade conveniently reduced for you consumption. Like a generational all day sucker.
The I'm So Fucking Confused Double FeatureJacob's Ladder and
The MachinistSo what just happened? That was a flashback? I thought it was a dream sequence. Wait. Rewind it, rewind it.
The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold And The Accidental Pimp, Farce Double Feature
Night Shift and
Doctor DetroitThere were actually a lot of these in the early eighties; back in the land before AIDS.
The Beware Eastern European Women At All Costs, Horror Movie Double FeatureCat People and
HostelNo, go ahead. Don't take my word for it. But don't blame me when she turns into a panther and sells your ass to a torturers club.
The English Are Depraved Murderous Cretins Double FeatureStraw Dogs and A
Clockwork OrangeBoth films were banned in Britain, so you know they've got to be good.
The American Junkie Double Feature
Drugstore Cowboy and
The Panic In Needle ParkNo glorification here. Probably Matt Dillion's best movie, and the movie that got Pacino his role in the Godfather.
The Subversively Hilarious Gore Fest Double FeatureEvil Dead II and
Dead AliveChainsaws and lawnmowers finally used as God intended. And by God, I mean Cthulhu the devourer of souls.
The Last Day Of High School, Coming Of Age, Period Piece Double FeatureAmerican Graffiti and
Dazed and ConfusedOne was made in the seventies about the fifties and the other in the nineties about the seventies. So we should expect another of this same type of film in about five years or so.
The Let's Hope The Current Recession Doesn't Get This Bad, Great Depression Double FeatureThey Shoot Horses, Don't They? and
IronweedSo which is more depressingly desperate: dancing yourself to death or drinking yourself to death? You just might get to choose!
And Finally...The Film Set in Kenya All About The Romantic Troubles Of A Rich White Woman, Double FeatureOut Of Africa and
I Dreamed Of AfricaOK people, you really shouldn't watch these last two horrible, horrible movies; unless it's for their sheer jaw dropping obliviousness to their own galaxy sized douche-baggery. Then it's OK.
